Why ocd makes me much more confused about everything ):

Its such a roller coaster of emotions, ngl lol. I talked with my psychiatrist, i think its the 4th appointment and every appointment i make sure to talk about my compulsions and everything. But is very weird, there are times where im very confident and then i look overbpic of naked men or porn or fantasize and feel almost nothing, but there are times like today and some other days that seeing a pic of naked men, porn or fantasize while masturbationg give me like some arousal feeling i think, its a tingling arousal feeling if i can say.

But i noticed that i do this everytime after a intrusive image appears, like im good masturbating and then a image pop up of a penis or a men and im already aroused but i fele this huge tingling feeling, and i start masturbate, and i dont know if its bc im already aroused but i feel much more arousal feeling then? Like much more tinglings in my penis and this arousal feeling, but like i said is a fcking roller coaster bc then it stops, then i imagine somethinf and feel dome sort of arousal feeling, like i imagined of touching a mens part while this person was getting hard but like when i imagine the penis getting hard my mind change to porn? Or reminds me of porn? Or bc seeing a penjs getting hard is stimulation for me? And then this tingling happen, then a hentai of a trap(sorry for saying this but is the actual name of it) appears in my mind, and ngl im so so so aroused with this kind of hentai, like i can fantasize about those characters and get super hard, and ngl i enjoy fantasizing about this, they are completely likr girls to me and i fantasize about them and i love it. But then this appears in my mind and i get aroused, and i go back to what i was thinking?

Understand the whole confusion?, like i know i have ocd tendencies, i know that, but why sometimes i feel this sort of arousal feeling with men? Is bc of porn? Bc of trans woman? It shouldnt make me more confused but in fact is, i struggle everytime. Maybe is bc im stimulating myself? But i know for sure that i feel some sort of arousal while fantasizing bc i can see my penis getting harder but not fully. If i ask my friends about this they would say that their penis probably dont even move doing this, the fact that i have some sort of arousal i think, it cant be just ocd, but then everybody said it was ocd.

Im very very confused, ill keep up with ocd until i know for sure whats going on.

 

Sorry for this guys, i just got so nervous that i needed to vent a little bit lol. Really sorry for that, but still this happens a lot of times and makes me so confused.

Thank you guys for not hating me and being so patient with me

 

Thank you so much for everything youve done for me, its a difficult jorney.

There are days where all i can do is test myself with fantasies and cry bc i fell again on the same spot. I think the way i try to understand everything about me isnt helpfull at all. Like lets say these days i tested myself with gay fantasie and i didnt get hard, i didnt get today either but the fact that i felt the "arousal feeling" make me repeat the same thing even if yesterday nothing happens, this is the worst part of this obsession lol. I can remeber everytime that i did the same thing, one day nothing, the other this feeling, its been like this forever, honestly im will be okay regardless of the result, i just want to find some peace of this hole of testing.

It really hurts to wake up thinking about this and lay in my bed thinking about this too lol. Im really sorry to hear what youre going through, youre such a good person that i wish you the best, if it was just that easy. But i know you can for sure be well. Thank you so much

 

Hi is good to hear that you have control over your ocd, being in control is so good lol. I understand your point, i wish i could only think for 5 minutes and stop, but i cant bear with the discomfort and i think the main reason is because the feeling that i get in my groinal area(sorry for that). I think that the fact that i indeed feel something when think about this is what makes it much harder to deal, bc lets face it, if you think about something sexual or see something sexual and you feel what i feel, like a tingling feeling, a movement, sometimes a grow feeling in the area, or mostly what it feels like arousal, you would be very hyperaware about the situation right? Bc thats what usually happens to me, i dont really know why i have this feelings when doing this compulsion, but what makes it hard to stop doing it are those arousal feelings or what it should be arousal feelings. So bc of that im constantly checking and having intrusive related thoughts about it. I really want ro know if there will be one day where i would do something like that and wont feel nothing. I can say that even in tv shows, all my life watching tv shows, i never got nothing seeing the "pretty guy" taking his shirt off, but today if i see i will have this tingling feeling instantly, so i had the certain that if i stopped doing it the feeling would fade, probably it would be easier lol.

But yeah this is what pushes me back everytime to the same spot, the feelings haha. If i ask my friends theyll say, "no if i cant even think about that bc is very disgusting" while i feel like im getting aroused/hard and sometimes im even getting some erection to it. So its very confusing for me how this works. I wish i could talk in ocd places but i saw ppl here saying that chats about Ocd related to this theme arent credible. I went here bc i read that one day, but ive always been in those hocd reddits, and there are a lot of ppl there who seem to have the same as me, even worse sometimes, ppl who gets really aroused masturbating with gay thoughs, and im always like "whats is real and what is not?" What if getting aroused by this like the ppl in that site said is not related to sexuality but with ocd? But what if everybody there is just lying to themselves, what if these ppl that feel aroused doing this and claim that they are straight are in fact not straight, and i domt know which place im in, but yeah a lot of ppl there seem to get aroused sometimes by gay fantasies, are they gay in closet? Or is this only ocd? I guess well never know. So bc of that i started going here bc i though i could get some clarity and yeah i did, but i still get very confused, why i get this feeling in my penis thinking about this? If its ocd why i feel this feelings? Theres a lot of questions that dont seem to have answer. But here i found out a lot of times that i have ocd lol. @Chip and @QuietPeace were almost a therapist for me, they were always saying that its ocd, and in fact nowadays it seems kind obvious, but theres still something inside thats pushing me back bc of this feelings, if only i didnt feel them, damn it would be easier.

Thank you for your comment, and sorry for this long, long text lol

 

Im really sorry for your loss, hope youre well .

Ngl i already heard of stories like this but it never convinced me a lot, is good to know that he found happiness again and beated ocd, and not just this kind of thoughts, i think any kind of ocd is harmfull for someones heart. Is really difficult, im so glad that he beated ocd. I understand about what he says when you said about confusion and how ocd can make you feel awful, and yeah is kind of a shame, ngl i really didnt want to talk about this but i think its time, ive already had an obsession for a period of time about racism, i was so sad bc i know im not racist, but everytime there was thoughts on my head saying i was and saying a lot of bad things about it, i was so pissed of, but at one day the obsession switched to this one. Is vert hard to know the difference when theres arousal in there, so i understand what your uncle was saying, i dont know if he engaged in some kind of compulsion but yeah it makes worse i know that for sure. But i think this is where the ocd likes to focus, the feelings, like i said above if it wasnt for the feelings i wouldnt probably be here ngl, those 2 years that i passed with this was all about this feelings, theres always something in my mind like, go ahead try again, if you dont do it you wont be sure about you, youll be lying, so there i go trying again, and theres the arousal feeling that appears when i test myself with porn, just thinking, or masturbaying and fantasizing, theres always some kind of response and some kind of arousal, but like very different from woman, where is very natural, this is really weird bc is not so natural i think, is just the feeling there, a little grow in the penis, but at some point it would stop.

But yeah, things are bad bc of covid here where i live so i still looking for a therapist but i hope i can find one soon. Thank you so much for your comment. And im really sorry for your loss, i dont know him but i can say for sure that he was awesome.

 

Thank you!

Yes i always try to put that in my mind regardless of whats going on ocd is there haunting me, and actually works sometimes when i think about my life in general, like i have a problem that when i fantasize kissing woman, i get aroused but feel a weird feeling in my stomach and this feeling dont let me enjoy the fantasie. And with men i feel a little disgusting feeling i think but its normal, and sometimes the feeling in my groin. So you know those things are actually what im not thinking about. I kissed a girl sometime ago and felt incredible, amd i even kissed a guy and nothing happened haha lol.

So yeah i keep in my mind that its ocd, and i hopes we all get good with ourselves. Its not easy but im really trying, know that i a m r e a l l y trying.

 

So good to know that your feeling well with your hobbiee, i would like to draw but i dont have tecnichs lol haha.

I play piano too, i love it. Most of the time i spend playing games, or learning about music, i would love to work with music in my life, have a band maybe. So most of the times i spend in something related to music. Im so happy to hear that both of you are well

 

I wish i knew how to animate, i love watching anime and one day i fell in love with fight animation, wish i knew how to draw to do some animation.

Yes like i said music makes me focus a lot and games usually makes me be focus so i dont think about anything. Thank you so much

Oh hi chris ive already read your posts a lot bc i thought we were going through the same. So yeah its exactly like you saying a constantly tingling, but is so weird right? Like sometimes i feel me getting hard but in fact im not hard at all, like im soft but hard, like it tensed up? So weird, for the past two years i had this kind of stuff so is impossible for me to list everything that happend, but ive already tried at all, i had those feelings, some erection at some point, arousal feelings but i was never aroused in fact, i learnt that fear/arousal can actually give arousal at some point, ive always thought it killed arousal.

I dont know if this happens to you too but, for some weird reason when i watch porn i get very aroused by the woman but i find it hard it to finish sometimes, but when i used to do those tests(bc im not doing it anymore, or at least trying) even if i wouldnt get aroused by guys and all, i would feel this feeling and when i switch back to straight porn it gets like 2 times easier for me to ejaculate, i always found this very weird for some reason lol.

 

Oh true, i can relate to that, there are images about men that flashes in my head while masturbating to, sometimes even in porn im feeling aroused and good and then a scene that only the guy appears or like theres a part of a guy and im aroused i feel this deep tingling feeling and i gets anxious too, but im learning to control it, everytime this happens either i continue with my masturbation, witgout caring about what it could mean or i stop, breathe until i get relaxed and start again, it usually helps, you could try it too, always remember like, ive already tried this a lot of times im not going to do it again. But its still a mistery for me why when this happens i can ejaculate faster, i think anxiety have plays a roll in arousal maybe? Bc im always anxious and its easier for me to masturbate when im like that, but this only happens when men appears, thats why the confusion lol.

Ive been there with the, what if im lying or what if im just being a comphet all this time, so i know it feels devastating, not the ideia of being gay, thats not the problem, but lying to yourself your entire life this is hard, so that my main fear lol. But like breathe and tell yourself that is only in your mind, something that took a lot of time to me to understand is, we usually think about woman bc we like it, but i noticed that i never think about guus bc i like it, its always like, i wonder how would it feel to think about this, or i want to know if i like it, always tests, so theres no real intention on doing this, if it wasnt for the tests i wont think about any men. So its seems obvious but i know its not, is very confusing when you have ocd.

But theres always good ppl here, lile @Chip, @QuietPeace, @ShyBirdy that are here to help you, i know its tough when we talk about ocd, and is difficult to understand that is possibly ocd, but like you already tried so much, stop already, ive been doing this for 2 years now, we should rest a little right?

But i know the feelings and all that i can relate so much to you, is hard i know, but well get through, whenever you need me you can message me i will try my best to help you, since doing this we both can finally put an end on this once and for all.

 

Hi guys, so im happy that i could control me over 3 days without any test, unfortunately i did today and i would like some tips.

I saw a handsome guy on twitter and started checking my heartbeat and all bc i was already a little anxious, and then i did the test of kissing him, initially i was very dsgusted, like usual, wasnt enjoying, but i kept doing it and testing until one moment, where i tried to pretend that i was liking kissing him and i felt a feeling there, my pebis was moving and got a little bigger, like suddenly, it was weird, i dont know if this means something since i was disgusted the whole time and wasnt enjoyed and was very anxious too, but now my anxiety spiked and i dont know what to do, do you know some tips that can make anxiety leave?

After this response i tried again 2 times i think but couldnt get the same feeling, and now im left with anxiety lol, i was doing so well, sorry for this guys ):