Why do I struggle to say it out loud?

Good luck! It helped me a lot when I did it. Or at least it started me down a path of dealing with it in a more healthy way.

 

I think it's one of those things that sounds really silly and like it couldn't possibly ever help. Somehow it just does.

 

If you want therapy to work, then you kinda have to. A lot of your problems are rooted in that shame so unless you work on it, then other problems become really hard to solve. Your therapist will try to help you, but since you aren't solving the main issue then some things just won't work.

You mentioned that you therapist might not have too much experience with lgbt people. Have you considered switching therapist in order to talk about this? Or maybe ask her what her experience with lgbt is? That might be helpful for you to be able to talk about this in the future more.

A lot of therapists do host support groups about this by the way. If you want to talk to peers going through this, google lgbt therapy groups and hopefully one shows up near you.

 

Do you think it's odd talking about it with a therapist or do you think it's harder with her because she pressures you to think about the bits which are difficult?
I think as the others have said the more open and honest you can be with her the better able she will be to give you the path and tools to help you deal with everything.

 

To put it in perspective, when someone tells you they're dating someone or they're engaged or married, is "they must have sex" your first thought (short of knowing someone's on a honeymoon or has a recently announced pregnancy)? Or do you think "oh, they're married". I'm not sure most people focus on that unless their attention is specifically drawn to that for some reason. Maybe that's naive on my part. But, while I know academically the married people or people living with significant others are probably having sex, it's not something I b-line to or dwell on. It's just a fact of life.

Granted, it's easy for me to sit here and say since I haven't started dating yet. But, just taking a step back and thinking about it...

 

Yeah that makes a lot of sense, I can totally understand why that would make it harder to say. It is as the above poster has said, probably not the first thing that jumps into the mind of the person you are telling. I do remember when I was figuring out my sexuality and first coming out though going through this like second puberty (or perhaps the first one which I didnt have). My hormones felt all over the place and it was how I remembered my friends being in college about boys so perhaps for the moment that is where your mind goes. I am sure it will settle down though.

 

Haha yeah maybe don't tell her everything haha...

 

This is exactly what I did and it changed everything. Once I allowed myself to acknowledge, my whole mindset shifted from hiding/denying/burying everything to trying to figure out a plan for the next step. Since it was then impossible to put it back in the box, I knew I had to move forward. I'm still struggling with those next steps, but I agree that if you can bring yourself to do this, it may make a big difference for you.

 

My therapist always says when you struggle to talk about something it will probably be worth talking about it . It was difficult for me too, to say it out loud. It took courage but I'm definitely glad I said it. Talking about it with my therapist gave me and gives me more insight in my feelings.

 

I understand this. I haven’t said it aloud to anyone (not even myself in the mirror). I’ve admitted to questioning but I won’t commit to being gay with my words. And I think there is something to your comment about not wanting to open it to outside opinions. For me, I feel like someone could so easily rip a gaping hole in my own uncertainty and then I’d go back completely to my heterosexual turtle shell. I can just imagine the eye rolls and the jokes about a midlife crisis coming my way.

So I can see that being part of why you can’t say it. It takes so much, I think, to admit and accept it for ourselves - it’s hard to imagine sharing our truth for others to scrutinize.

 

I do understand the reluctance to talk about something as intimate as sexual attraction. When I was seeing my first girlfriend I used to be totally comfortable with the sexual aspect of our relationship whilst we were actually with each other then I would return to my old life, appearing as a straight Mum and think "Did I really behave that way?" She apparently had the same thought but right up to the end she also said she felt guilty for wanting and enjoying sex, whereas I didn't, because I basically felt good and whole......the contrast in our outlooks made me very sad indeed. So each person has his or her own journey. However it took me over a year of being with her to become this accepting of myself and to integrate gay into my self-concept. I think it is sometimes more difficult for gay people to feel comfortable with sex because some people in society focus on the sex aspect of being gay and oversexualise gay people. Of course being gay IS about who you want to have sex with, but it is ALSO about who you want as the closest most significant adult to you, both emotionally and romantically...who you dream of sharing life's adventures with and planning a future with.

 

Hi LostInDaydreams

 

@LostInDaydreams, I wrote a long post to you then I did something wrong and lost all of it except the "Hi lostinDaydreams" part. Then I ran out of time I'm sorry! But it's still good to hear from you

Hugs-
=Sevn

 

Hi @LostInDaydreams -
in that in that post that I accidentally wiped out yesterday what I wrote was that maybe you could find a safe space and try saying some things out loud and just see how it feels. If the words fit and if they feel true, you will know it -- you will feel it in your body. If they don't fit, it's always okay to say "no, that's not quite right", or even "no that's just not true". Maybe the safe space is with a trusted friend, maybe it's with your therapist, or maybe it's just by yourself. You can try the words out loud, much the same way you might try on clothes. You can keep just the ones you like.