Why do I struggle to say it out loud?

At the heart of the matter, your sexual orientation is yours, not for anyone else to lay claim to. Whatever opinion they may have, whatever assumptions they make, they are meaningless besides what you desire in your heart. It may feel like outside opinions bears weight, because of a lifetime of being told how relationships are "supposed" to be. That feeling of uncertainty from those opinions is a facet of oppression. People will tell you how you are supposed to live your life because it gives them power. It's not easy letting something like that go. Not when you spend your whole life hearing it.

 

Queuing off the title: Why do I struggle to say it out loud?
I do not know why either - to say I'm gay out loud. I've pondered "whats the problem" for some time now. To simplify this question I say to myself, "oh there is a lot of negative scar tissue inside me". To clear out negative scar tissue, I need to find and/or create positive experiences. Plain and simple to say, hard to execute.

I guess to see and feel what it's like to be wet, one just has to jump into the river and try to swim. (this is called sink or swim)

 

I wonder if some of this is that you don't feel worthy of having the relationship you really desire? I don't think this is all that uncommon for LGBT folks because we have been programmed to believe we are lessor than other people.

I suffer from this in all my relationships. This sense that I don't deserve what I have. So, I have trouble asking for what I really want or need.

You will be fine. You do just have to jump in as @brainwashed suggested. You are worthy of this!

 

Very good point.

Yep that good old internalized homophobia at work here.

Very good points made here. Reflecting a bit here about myself, I deeply feel I do this subconsciously.

At the Phoenix Pride Festival a couple weeks ago, I got out on the dance floor even though I do not feel I can dance. I watched from the sidelines for the longest time, then finally saying to myself "fuck it" and went for it. I had a blast. There were so many fun people out on the dance floor.

 

For me, saying “I think I’m gay” aloud even just in a mirror in an empty house made it real. It had been this nagging question in the back of my mind for most of my life that I’d always desperately refused to acknowledge. Saying it verbally made it concrete. And telling a human person made it all the more real. Plus, for me, I had spent my entire life desperately wanting no one to know. My worst fear was someone guessing I was attracted to women. Catching me looking. Figuring out my crushes. I hated myself for those and the last thing I wanted was for anyone on this earth to know. So, saying it aloud to a human person the first time (even a person I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt wouldn’t judge) was walking into that fear. May not be the same for you, but that was my experience.

 

I felt similar and still do a little when meeting new people and people that I’ve known a while. I think it’s just nerves, it’s all new and unknown, so a little scary. We’ve conjured up what we think and want things to be like and now we are living it. It’s a process and takes time, keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get to where you want to be.

 

I resonate with so much of what you are saying... I have the same feelings when I am in therapy... we talk about my sexual orientation in detail but it has been very difficult for me to admit directly to her that I desire a relationship with a woman. I will say, I have met a few people through a group that are also later in life lgbt and I have been very comfortable around them and talking freely about my feelings with my sexuality and what I desire. I wonder if the comfort with the small group comes from knowing they can relate to what I am feeling similar to being able to express my feelings more freely here in this group.

Love your comment about your shirt and shoes I love my colorful yet comfy shoes that make me feel like me.

 

For the most part we all struggle with saying out loud that we are gay for the first time. We are so programmed from an early age with the heteronormative brain washing that hetero is the only “right” way to live your life. As we grow and come to realize our same sex attraction a huge internal conflict arises based of what society expects and what you want. We hear organized religion rail against same sex attraction as in inspired by the devil himself. We see violence against LGBT+ people again and again. It is no wonder It is extremely hard to swim against this hetero tide hence even saying your gay to yourself is difficult. I too felt exactly the same way however I knew that in order to be who I really am I needed to be able to say it to myself and then to everyone else. No longer do I fear saying I prefer men as sexual and emotional partners to anyone. It is a wonderful feeling but hard fought to get there. Good luck.

 

This is actually surprisingly hard to do! Have you tried practicing in a mirror?

When I first started coming out it took me the longest time to do it in front of a mirror. One because its a silly thing to do and two because in many ways it makes it real.

If you want to practice with your therapist, writing it down and then reading it might also help you put some distance from your words. Baby steps

 

Give it a go!

Making a video of it also adds a level to it since if you watch it later, it feels VERY real. Seeing yourself say it is both terrifying and so wonderful.

You got this!

 

Well, there’s two parts of making it real. I want to date and have relationships with women. I want that to be real. But on that day back in December when I said the words aloud for the very first time, the FACT that I want those things was a shock to the system. It made that desire real to me for the first time. It was like stepping through the looking glass for the first time.

And in a way it does seem silly, but that’s why I did it in an empty house. And that day my heart was pounding, my hands shook, and I barely ate for several days after. Granted, that was also the first time I allowed myself to make all the connections that I’m gay. Before I was like “sure I like to look at women, have to work to not stare at boobs, and am not remotely sexually attracted to men, but that can’t possibly mean I’m gay because then I’d be gay and there’s just no way I’m gay, right?” It’s silly, but it’s what I did.

 

I can relate to the fraudulent feeling. Just after I my girlfriend had broken up with me at the end of last year, I was with my children and their father in a café when I saw two young women who I realised were a gay couple. I must've been staring because one gestured to the other to look over at me. I longed to scream "Please don't be fooled by appearances! I am as gay as you!! Please see me!"

 

Just because you want something, I don't think that means it can't be difficult.

I think, or certainly for me, however comfortable I got with it in my mind, to begin with it was really difficult to say out loud. I think part of that was that saying out loud to someone in real life made, it also I think to me felt like the point of no return. Before I could say it out loud I felt, even though in my mind I felt gay and I was comfortable on EC at any point I could forget the whole idea and just go back to how it was (even though this isn't realistic) but then I felt that once I'd told someone in my real life, that was it and I could never unsay that. Not that I've ever wanted to.

It was tough for a while but the more I did it the easier it got.

 

Absolutely. I don't think she was questioning whether your decisions were right I think she probably just wanted to get the backstory and details so that when she is trying to help and guide you along she does so in the right way. The issue was that because this is all new and your self confidence is low any kind of questions from the person you are speaking to and your mind starts to doubt itself.
Have you ever tried saying it out loud to yourself in front of the mirror at home?

 

It's about acceptance. Even 14 months after coming out. It's not easy. I remember last year walking by a busy road and I just screamed out at the top of my voice I'm gay. I find it easier telling people that I don't know well. For example I went for a beard trim and I felt comfortable telling her, oh I'm gay but have three kids lol....then the guy in the next chair started asking me questions. But that's good, it got people talking!
Remember it's new to us, alot of us were on the straight path so long, it's not easy to complete divert in another direction. It comes down to time and being comfortable with our sexuality. People I'm not comfortable with I say not straight or bisexual but I'm getting comfortable saying gay. I've just learned to be honest.