When/How to come out in new friendship? Should she be the first I tell?

Hey!

For context: I’m a 27 year old gay girl. I’ve know I’m gay for years but it’s taken my a long time to work through things and get my head around it. Consequently I’m not out to anyone yet. I have letters written to give to my family but I’m yet to find the courage to tell them. I haven’t got many good friends, I’ve either pushed them all away by never being open enough with them or they’ve drifted due to distance. I’ve never had a relationship with anyone either. I am desperate to come out soon and I’m trying to figure out my first steps. I’m terrified though!

About a year ago I met a friend at work. We work very closely together managing a team of people. She’s a bit older than me (40) but we just click and we’re very similar in many ways. Over the last couple of months we’ve got a lot closer. Opening up to each other about various things, texting all the time, banter and chatting about random rubbish, she buys me very thoughtful gifts, meeting up outside work despite spending all week together. Etc.

I’m not saying I’ve got feelings for her, I haven’t (thankfully - I’ve been there before with friends!) But I’ve got the feeling this friendship is something good. It feels really close and getting closer.

But she doesn’t know I’m gay. We’ve never discussed my relationships/dating/sexuality. I don’t actually know what I’d say if she brought it up with me. I don’t want her feel that I’ve lied to her and feel that I couldn’t open up to her. But neither do I want to freak her out by telling her I’m gay and making her think about everything she’s said and done and how it could be misinterpreted... I don’t want it to change how she is with me just because I’m gay.

I don’t know what to do. The longer I leave it the more guilty I feel about the eventual feelings it’s gonna cause one way or the other.

One option is to come out to my parents then go to her for support when it inevitably goes wrong like last time I attempted it..

I feel like I really trust her and she really cares but I’m not convinced she’d understand or be ok with it. So I’m not sure making her the first I tell is the best idea!?

Any thoughts or advice appreciated?!

 

Hey! I’m glad someone out there is in a similar situation! But obviously sympathise with how hard it is .
I’d really like to just tell her in a normal conversation like you did but I’m really not sure how it’d go! It think I could do it if she was just a friend I work with her for 40-50 hours a week too so it had the potential to be super awkward if it goes anything other that well!
I thought I might write a short letter to her explaining I’m gay and that I don’t fancy her but that feels awkward too. Like I shouldn’t have to say it but maybe it’ll need saying!? Ah I don’t know it’s so hard

Maybe a conversation then let her read my letter I’ve written to my parents (that’s 5 pages long though so maybe it’d be TMI!?)

 

Thanks. Yeh I want her to know! We’re getting closer and closer every week.

She does things like sending me quotes about friendships and gifs of hugs etc. We text til like midnight some nights. She’s always buying my really thoughtful presents and a lot of them have some relation to rainbows!? She knows I like rainbow things but it feels a little weird too!?

I don’t want it to be a big deal when I tell her but at the same time I want to make sure I explain everything. Including how I don’t fancy her!?

So whether I just tell her I’m person then let her read my 5 letter I’ve written to my mum and dad!? I don’t know its so confusing!

 

Yeh she’s been married to a man much older than her, he’s 58, she’s 40. And she was saying yesterday at work how she struggles to see herself with him for a lot longer!?

I don’t want anything from her as far as romance goes. But I don’t want to ruin the friendship either by carrying on lying to her (or more like not mentioning the truth!) or by telling her the truth and her not being ok with it!?

It’s so complicated isn’t it!

 

Haha yeh obviously I’ve played that scenario through in my head! Many times! And I’m trying not to think about the reality of it if I’m honest. I’m trying to rationalise it. Like she loves buying presents and buys presents for various people! Maybe as a fairly new friend I’m just someone new to but them for. The rainbows? I don’t know if she gets the symbolism or not! Maybe she just thinks I like colourful things, who knows!? Or maybe she is straight and does get the symbolism and is trying to let me know it’s ok I.e. she thinks rainbows are cool... and she’ll be cool with me being gay.. I don’t know! Some of the things are really thoughtful though like to do with mindfulness and anxiety to help me feel better! She knows I struggle with it but doesn’t know the reason.. it’s all to do with being stuck in the closet as I’m sure many people find!

Yeh but she said it infront of another woman we work with too who she’s been friends with for years. It was like a moaning about husbands conversation. Which I always find super awkward no matter who they’re with! Because I dread the inevitable relationship questions coming at me! She’s been married for over 10 years. But maybe the 18 year age difference is showing now. She says she bored and doesn’t know if she can see her future with him in the long term!? God knows if that has anything to do with me! I don’t think so but she certainly seems to want to spend time with me and text me all night! Which I’m liking, can’t say I don’t! And the banter is great

Hmm I don’t know! It would make things super awkward at work if any romantic feelings were involved! It just couldn’t work and us both stay doing what we are at work.
I’m kinda super flattered at the idea if I’m honest. I mean I’ve never had a girlfriend but I suppose I hoped when it happened it wouldn’t be complicated! Which this would be!
Let’s hope it’s just her personality and she’s a really over enthusiastic lovable friend. And she’ll love me despite my gayness and thatll be it. Would I go there if she wanted it... probably out of curiosity! I do fancy her a bit but I wouldn’t want a relationship out of it!
Why does it have to be so confusing

 

It’s weird you say that. “You do you”. That’s the one thing that is happening right now. This girl is allowing me to be me for the first time ever really with a friend. We just click so well and she makes me feel so comfortable to open up all the quirky weird sides of my character! And not just be who I think everyone wants to see! And she text me til gone midnight tonight! Is she doing that lying next to her husband!? Probably I don’t know!?

But yes thanks, the idea had definitely crossed my mind but having been in straight girl crush situations before I didn’t want to get hurt by that again. Maybe when I elaborated in the replies above it sounds less likely does it? I don’t know? Time will tell I guess!

We’re spending Sunday together too after having been together all week at work! Maybe the time will be right to tell her I’m gay? Does it sound like it’s best to just do it in a conversation rather than write it in some form of letter or message?

 

It is very valuable you’re right!

I don’t know maybe there is, she’s confusing! It does say on her Facebook profile interested in men and women, but I’ve always though she must’ve misunderstood the question to put it on there you’d think it’d be public knowledge but she never talks like she identifies with the lgbt community and some of the things she says about lgbt issues can come across as though there’s a lack of understanding! So I’ve always assumed she’s straight!
There’s a bit of jealousy creeping in from her other long time friend at work at how close she’s getting to me, she told me that herself!
But other people don’t see the half of it of how we talk/banter compared to the texts and when we’re on our own. She tones it back a bit when we’re around others and so do I subconsciously I guess!
The phrase she’s used in the past when talking about how she thinks of me as a friend is “I think a lot of you”... whatever that means!
I still think she’s straight (and hope she is for less complication) maybe she’s just one of those full on loving people! Who knows! Time will tell!