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When/How to come out in new friendship? Should she be the first I tell?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Blue90, Sep 8, 2018.

  1. Love4Ever

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    For sake I hope I'm reading this wrong, since I understand for you this would complicate things, but I don't know, this just doesn't seem like typical straight woman behavior.
     
  2. Blue90

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    Yep so did I! I would’ve thought that anybody would know what that meant on Facebook and that it related to sexuality so interested in men and women = bisexual or pansexual etc! I was always so sure she was straight that I thought she must’ve misunderstood and thought it related to being interested in adding male and female friends on Facebook wishful thinking maybe on my part! Who knows!

    I know it does sounds like flirting doesnt it! Other people have definitely picked up on us getting closer and feel a bit pushed out by how tight we are maybe! And despite having worked together full time for over a year it’s only got this close in the last 2 months probably!
    She really has been the one and only person that has made me feel safe enough to think about coming out. Having her friendship and support makes me think I could do it and tackle the issue with my parents too!
    But... having said that it terrifies me in equal measure. Because we’ve got ‘so close’ and other people have noticed. And if she genuinely doesn’t feel anything for me but platonic friendship then is she going to feel really awkward if she finds out I’m gay and regret how she’s been with me? Because like you’re saying as an outsider the stuff she’s doing could be interpreted as flirting - maybe she’ll realise it could be seen like that and freak out that shes given me the wrong impression or be embarrassed and distance herself? What do you think?
    If I do come out to her soon should I actually say “just to be clear I don’t fancy you”? Because that’s like a kick in the teeth if she has got feelings or super awkward if she hasn’t but it’d need saying all the same?

    I agree it doesn’t seem like typical straight woman behaviour! She’s a special lady and one of a kind so let’s just hope it’s her way and that’s it. I also wonder if she’s just trying to ‘fix’ me. Like she knows I suffer with anxiety and I’ve told her I know what causes it and that I’ve never talked to anyone about it. So maybe she’s just being like that to try and pick me up and look after me? I told her I’d tell her one day what causes it! Whether she’s expecting what it is I don’t know (being in the closet) But then you think back to the rainbow gifts and think wow does she know!

    If I’m honest I’m a little flattered at the thought she might fancy me... who wouldn’t be! And I need to try and keep myself grounded so I don’t get drawn into thinking of our interactions as flirting. It would be easy but I’ve been hurt by a straight girl before! But maybe she isn’t a straight girl!
     
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  3. Broccoli

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    Having read through all your posts, my thoughts are going in the same direction as @Love4Ever's. I think you should at least consider the possibility that she is not straight and is attracted to you, and you should also think, REALLY think, about whether you are potentially attracted to her or not. It's important to be honest with yourself and untangle how you actually feel about her as a person from being flattered by the attention and/or thinking that it would make your work life awkward.
     
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  4. Blue90

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    Ahhh I know I know! Being completely honest with myself YES I’m attracted to her! There... I’ve said it haha!
    I think about her a lot of the time. Wait for her texts and enjoy the banter with her, and look forward to seeing her all the time! All that could be true for a best friend I gues couldn’t it!?
    Other stuff like... would I go for it kissing her, yes but only if she made the first move!
    I’ve imagined her lying next to me in bed and cuddling me, did I like the idea.. yes!
    Would I have sex with her... I guess so if it developed that way, but I haven’t let myself think about that.
    Physical contract is non existent. I’m not sure what that means. It’s like neither of us dare initiate it, not even the slightest touches or anything!? Or maybe neither of us are tactile pepole?!

    But I haven’t got any really good friends except her. So I’m not used to really close female friendship. I really really just wanted it to be that you know!!

    I mean I’m nearly 28 and she has a 20 year old son, a 58 year old husband from a 10+ year marriage! That’s a complicated situation right there.

    Not to mention we work together for 40+ hours a week managing a team of people. How could that work!?

    I really started thinking about all this because she genuinely felt like the first safe person to come out to? Do you think I should or not? And if so how?
    She has made a few comments I’ve picked up on before. Like when a customer came into our work place a whispered comment of “she’s a lesbian”. And comments about being careful what jokes she uses around a gay man who is a distant colleague. But I remember her saying she’d be fine if her son had been gay.
    Regardless of whether she’s accepting towards the gay community, it doesn’t mean she’s accept me and our relationship would be unchanged does it?

    Help!?
     
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  5. Love4Ever

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    This is a very complicated situation. But I think the only way you will get answers is if you follow through and come out to her and see what happens. It's impossible to predict anything, but I think you need to tell her and then see her reaction and re-evaluate from there.
     
  6. Blue90

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    It certainly is complicated! I’m terrified of telling her because I really don’t know how she’ll be about it.
    I can’t see it ending well either way!

    If she feels nothing but platonic friendship then she’ll probably panic and think I’ve misinterpreted our sudden close bond!

    So to stop her getting the wrong idea I’d feel the need to say “It’s hard coming out to straight female friends you’re close to so just in case it needs saying - I don’t fancy you”
    But that could cause offense too!

    And then her husband get jealous and possessive about her spending time with others! I’m not sure if he knew I was gay how he’d be about me spending time with her?

    So many questions! And once again I’m only thinking about the other person in the coming out process and not myself and that never ends well!

    I’m wondering whether just to come out to my parents with the letter I’ve written. Then go to her for support when it inevitably goes wrong and I’m upset!? And let her find out like that? I still live with my parents so I’ll need to get out of the house when it happens, maybe stay in a hotel or something and I haven’t really got anyone else who’ll support me.

    In the meantime though she still finds our banter and jokes absolutely hilarious as do I. We text continuously for hours til really late and from waking up etc. She gives me presents she thinks I’ll love, like there’s been 5 in the last 2 weeks including 2 handmade ones. But I’ve note really bought her anything. Hopefully I’ve just found the best friend of my life and that’s it! Who knows!?
     
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  7. Love4Ever

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    I think telling her that you are gay is a good idea. But when you tell her I would leave out the part about not being into her. One, because it's technically not true, and you might not want to close a door on something that you might regret later if it turns out she likes you, and two, she likes you, and I think she likes you as more than a friend. So saying you don't like her if this is true might crush her. So I would just say, something like, "you're a great friend to me, which is why I trusted you enough to tell you this." And just tell her. Say she is a good friend, so if she really is just looking for a platonic thing then no harm done, but don't shoot her down if she's looking for a relationship. If you wat to wait until after you tell your parents and need her support then you should. As for her husband, are they getting divorced? Because if they aren't and she wants to be, she needs to end her relationship with him if that's what she wants before becoming involved with you. She needs to be honest with her husband and tell him the truth, because what she is doing right now with you, if she's into you, is not fair or right to him. And you don't need to become a casualty caught in the crossfire.
     
    #27 Love4Ever, Sep 22, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2018
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  8. Bouldghirl

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    Looking back at this thread a week in I think that you are starting to realise that there could possibly be something here for you. I think Love4ever has given you good advice. Be (a little bit) honest. Tell her that you are a gay woman. I’d even say that you hope that it won’t spoil your friendship. Leave it at that and see what develops.
     
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  9. Blue90

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    I think I’ve got to say something soon! I feel like a fraud keeping it from her even though no one else knows I’m gay either. And maybe she’d be offended that I didn’t trust her with it if it keep it from her and we keep getting closer as friends.
    Hmm true, I guess it could upset her if I say I’m not into her! Like you say using things like “you’re an amazing friend” is probably the best idea so she can read into it whatever way she wants. If she only wants to be a friend then hopefully she’ll get that hint from it and all will be good! Honestly though she has been what’s made me feel safe for the first time in years. Knowing she’s there so I might actually be alright if my whole world falls apart when I come out!

    Her husband... no she has no plans to divorce him. She moans about him. But a lot of women moan about their husbands. She said the other day “I feel horrible saying this but I don’t know if I can see myself with him years down the line” or something like that to me and her other friend. But she’s never mentioned leaving him or said she doesn’t love him or anything. She has said she’s bored with him but in a way that it was normal to be bored after years of marriage. She kissed him goodbye infront of me the other day. I don’t think anything is going to end there. But if he knew I was gay and he knew how much she texts me and spends time with me etc he’d have a problem with it - I know it! He’d have a problem with it even if she’s not interested in me. Because he’s always worried about where she is and who she’s with! He’s about 18 years older than her I think.

    To be honest I really can’t work out where the line is between me being friends with her and being into her? How do you tell properly where that line lies?
    It wasn’t love at first sight or anything but I kinda fancy her and would do stuff with her for fun but I’m not sure about a relationship with her long term... I mean there’s an age gap between us and she has a grown up son and I don’t have any kids etc etc. But then maybe it doesn’t always work out perfectly and being like your soul mate is enough...
    I’ve never had a relationship before so I guess you build it up in your head what you’d imagine it being like and her situation isn’t what I’d imagined. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong though I suppose!? Just because it’s not how I’d imagined. But then I go back to thinking about our work relationship and our friendship and I’d be gutted to lose those... would it be worth it? I don’t know! Why do I always fall for my straight friends (if that’s what is happening here), why can’t I just have a normal friendship then a girlfriend and keep it separate

    The other day she said “I’ve never really found any friend that gets me truely like you do” and she reckons we’re “wavelength buddies”... I’m so inexperienced in relationships and friendships I can’t tell what these things mean!! She’s been texting me all day again today and I don’t know if that’s normal for a best friend or not!?
     
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  10. Blue90

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    Hmm I don’t know! I don’t know what I want more a friendship or a relationship?! I thought initially she was like a new best friend. But then the friendship has developed so so quickly it’s weird! I never thought I’d want anything more from her. I still don’t know if I do. But she does make me feel safe and loved and cared for.

    I’m so inexperienced in relationships and love that I can’t tell if this is what normal friendships between girls can be like or if it’s more than a friendship!? How do you tell?

    Also there’s never any physical contact between us at all. No hugging or touching or anything. And she isn’t completely open in person about some of the daft jokes we have going by text. Like she doesn’t feel confident carrying it on in person in front of others so I follow her lead. Who knows.

    The other night she was silently laughing so hard at our text conversation she woke her husband up by the bed shake with laughing and she told me about it!

    It’s such a weird situation because I wouldn’t be gutted if there was never anything romantic. The friendship is enough and anything else would just be an interesting journey!
     
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  11. Love4Ever

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    Lots to think about here. I would think about whether you like her as more than a friend or not. It's kinda a stereotype that friendships among women can be more intense, but in my personal opinion I often feel this is an excuse we tell ourselves. It's like the term "girl crush". I mean what the heck is a "girl crush" other than a socially acceptable way to say we're a girl into another girl? Obviously there is a fine line between admiration and love and sometimes we want to be someone or their friend, so maybe in those cases the term is appropriate. But otherwise I can't help but wonder if girls are sometimes just kidding themselves into thinking they're straight. I can't tell you how she sees this because I don't know what's going on in her head, but I would think about how you feel. I also think it's important that even though she says she wants to stay with her husband and has no plans to leave that you be cautious. It wouldn't be right of her to hurt him and be with you without his knowledge and you deserve better than to be anything less than someone recognized in her life. You don't want to find out she does have feelings for you but to continues to be married to her husband. You don't want to be someone's secret. So if it does come to that, you need to be careful and tell her that you want this out in the open and her husband aware of it.
     
    #31 Love4Ever, Sep 22, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2018
  12. Love4Ever

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    In the end though, you need to decide if this woman is worth it for you. There is an age difference as you said, and she has a grown son which also adds a new dimension. And you did say she's not what you imaged your future partner being. Obviously we don't always end up with someone we expect, life is funny that way, but if you don't feel amazing fireworks there is nothing wrong with keeping her as a friend and hanging on for someone else. I think it's just good though to really the think it through.
     
  13. Blue90

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    Hmm I agree with everything you say there about girl crushes! I don’t understand that term at all. I don’t think this is admiration or me wanting to be her at all. It’s different. I care for her a lot. In a protective, deep and loving way. I find her hilarious and thoughtful and she literally lights up my life. She makes me laugh til I’m crying. But.. I’m not 100% sure I’m IN love with her. Where do the sexual feelings lie... well I’m not sure, I do look at her in a way a straight girl wouldnt (I assume). I look at her body, imagine touching her. I imagine kissing her. I imagine making her feel loved and appreciated like she isn’t currently. I imagine her in bed with me at night lying behind me. I hate when she puts herself down about her body imagine and I tell her she looks fine.
    But what I can’t understand is why I don’t think I’d be gutted if she doesn’t fancy me? It’s strange.

    You obviously think she does have feelings for me from what you’ve said. I think she might... and honestly the thought of it terrifies me. Why do I feel scared of her fancying me? Because I’m not used to someone having those feelings for me? I don’t know? Because I don’t want to lose the friendship when it inevitably goes wrong?

    And as for her husband. There’s no worries there, I won’t let that happen to me. There’s no way once I’m finally out that I’ll be having a secret relationship in the long term. I’ve not stayed in the closet for 28 years to do that!

    Yeh we’ll she’s obviously not what I imagined but that doesn’t mean anything really does it. I suppose if it happened then I’d go with it and see where it went!
    In all honesty I think it’d be such a messy situation the thought of the complications probably overshadows everything else.

    As for fireworks... if things keep intensifying at this rate who knows where we’ll be in a few weeks time!
     
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  14. Love4Ever

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    Cool! It sounds like you're really figuring things out. That's great. It sounds like you might really like her. The only way I think is to go for it. If she feels the same way, then take it from there. She sounds great. I think it's worth a shot if you believe it is. :slight_smile:
     
  15. Blue90

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    I don’t know how to put it into words. Eventually I’ll tell her I’m gay. But that’ll be as far as it goes on my part, there’s no way I’d make a move on her or tell her I like her. It’d have to be her doing that. And I highly doubt that’ll ever happen considering there are no signs she even likes women!? But if she came

    Basically I don’t want to like her. I’ve been there before where I fallen for the straight girl and it hurt like a b*tch. And I thought she’d finally be the friend I didn’t fancy who could support me with coming out (a friend who would have to think, hang in a minute does she fancy me) but once again I manage to blur the boundaries on my side by having more feelings that I want for her. I’m such an idiot!

    Do you think I should tell her in writing or face to face? I’m not sure I want to see her face when I say it. And I’m not sure I could control my emotions. I might cry or be sick!
     
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  16. Love4Ever

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    I think telling her in writing is just fine. I came out this way and see no problem with it. If you are so afraid that you are making yourself ill then I don't think it's good to push yourself to do it in person if you don't want to. No need to put yourself through all that stress.
     
  17. Blue90

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    Yes, being in the closet and the thought of coming out is making me ill.

    Did you ever worry that you wouldn’t see the initial reaction by coming out in writing. Like what if she’s disgusted or really shocked or uncomfortable but covers it up so then I never really know how she feels?

    I have already written a 5 page coming out letter to give to my parents. I’ve tried coming out to them before so I know it won’t go well and definitely don’t want to be there when they read it.

    I wonder whether to ask her to read the letter I’ve written to my parents a let her find out that way? Or do you think I should just write her a short one and then explain all the details of how I know I’m gay in person...

    I kinda just want it to happen in conversation with an opening where it just feels right to tell her, like a question about relationships or boyfriends or something... that way it’d be natural and matter of fact but only if I could hold my nerve.
     
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  18. Love4Ever

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    I think you should do what you feel most comfortable with. If you feel you can't wait anymore, I would pull her aside at work and confide in her and say that the reason you have been dealing with a lot of anxiety is because you are going to give your parents a letter and that you're worried that will not accept what it contains. She will probably be curious at this point, so you can then tell her that you want her to read it because you want to make sure it's good or something like that. And then just hand it to her. Of course if you do it this way you will be there when she reads it. I wouldn't worry about the initial reaction being less than ideal. I'm not sure what my mom's reaction was to my text message but I know her response was immediately loving. So maybe for a flicker of a second she was unhappy? Who knows? But she is supportive and that's all that matters. Some people take a long time to come around, so I am grateful it only took her a few minutes. And I don't think your friend would have a bad reaction at all. I think she would be relieved you finally told her.
     
  19. Blue90

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    I might give her the letter to read but I’m not sure if it says too much for her to know. There’s no way we could do this at work as our working environment is far too intense. So it’s have to be out of work at her house or a coffee shop or something.

    It’s getting to the point where something needs to happen with me telling her.
    Her son works with us too and said some sarcastic comment the other day like “yeh [my name] the daughter you never had”... awkward! Maybe he’s jealous.

    And my mum has noticed the texting and has said “do you spend all your time texting her”? I told my mum she texts me, which she does - at least 90% of the time she initiates the texting which still goes on all evening every evening! I’ve attempted to come out to my mum before and told her about feelings I’ve had for female friends in the past. But then when she reacted terribly I told her I was confused and actually straight and therefore have lived in the closet for the past 5 years.

    I wanted the next time I come out to my parents to be controlled and on my terms which is why I wrote the letter to them. But the way she’s noticing my sudden friendship with this woman I’m getting worried there’ll be questions coming my way again soon from my mum it’s hard to hide our friendship when she wants me to go to her house and buys me presents all the time which I obviously have to bring home to my parents house.

    The other day she told me by text that I was the nicest kindest person she’d ever met, and she always we just click and understand each other and know what each other is thinking without words. Are these things a friend would say!? I really hope she doesn’t feel anything for me but I really can tell. So many things that she does could be interpreted as flirting but I’m not convinced she means it that way. And I’m terried that assuming she doesn’t “like me” that all these things she’s said and done will come rushing back to her when she finds out I’m gay and she’ll be scared she’s given me the wrong impression!
     
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  20. Love4Ever

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    You could maybe make two versions of the letter? Give her a short and sweet one with the personal family stuff removed? I know you're scared and you don't want to hear this, but every new message you post on here only has me more convinced that she likes you. A lot. I've had close female friends and none of them ever did the things this woman has done. I understand about your mom finding out. Which is why I think you should come out to your friend first, and then tell your mom. That way if it goes badly again, you will have her support. I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. You sound like you have a lot on your plate.