What's good about being single and gay/LGBT/queer?

I understand your pain. I’m bi and not gay but I was alone for a long time. I’m married to a woman now, but would be happy with either sex. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness and love. I hope you find what you are looking for

 

you are probably right that it is easier. I’m sure that it’s easier being straight than bi also. People assume that if you are bi you are having sex with everyone you see. I’m monogamous and with a woman, so I’m not having any romantic relations with men, but that doesn’t change my attraction. I always sympathize with lonely people. Good luck

 

By the way I want implying that I have faced similar problems as you. I’m a white man who appears to be straight. I haven’t faced discrimination I was only referring to my internal struggles

 

Not my intention. Sorry

 

How about the freedom to do whatever the hell you want? It's easy to take for granted, but when you're in a relationship, that puts a serious restriction on what you're able to do. There's less "I" and more "we". Thinking of moving? Better consult your partner, first. Doesn't like you being around one of your friends? Better decide which is more important. Likes a certain type of sex this many times a week, when you don't? These issues can make or break a couple. And these are in the best case scenarios.

Not to sound mean, but needy and insecure people tend to attract assholes who lie to get what they want, and leave you bitter and hurt. Because as it stands, it sounds like you'll accept anything and anyone. If you can love yourself, put your foot down and say "I don't need you", it will weed out the bad folk and give you control. It's easy to think a relationship will fix all one's problems, but a lot of times can end up creating a new set of problems. Too many people have a Disney movie vision, when it's more about YOU giving, making sacrifices, putting yourself second. Are you ready for that?

 

Well, you can pretty much go anywhere, befriend anyone, and not have to worry about the time. Flirt with strangers to your heart's content and not have to stress over your partner getting jealous, or things going too far. If you've been single and independent all your life, this could take some getting used to. Suddenly, not everything is just your decision, and you have someone else to take into consideration.

Someone once described a relationship as the process of two people becoming one. It means you *will* forget or discard parts of yourself in the process. This could be a good or a bad thing. And guess what? It won't be perfect. You might even be miserable with some things, but to be a good partner, it means sometimes sucking things up. It's pretty common for people past the honeymoon stage to break up, or married couples after seven to nine years to divorce. In the worst cases, it can feel like you were robbed of years of your life!

I'm not trying to scare you, but there have been too many gay men on these boards in the same situation. Those struggling with internal homophobia end up on hook ups or abusive relationships. You open yourself up to anything out there, and not everyone is so nice. My point is, if you can't make yourself happy, how can you make someone else?

It takes a tremendous amount of work to make these things last, and, yes, a degree of maturity. You're trying to run before you can walk. What are your relations with friends and family like? If I met someone, and they had no friends, I'd be like, "Why? What's wrong with them?" Hopefully they're busy with school, work, family, or something else that takes commitment, otherwise, there's something preventing them or others from connecting. Huge red flag.

 

Hrm, how old are you? Are there any LGBT organizations or events there? How about gay family members?

Yes, putting one's self out there can be terrifying. The more you do it, though, the less scary it becomes. Most people are too concerned with their own faults to scrutinize you the way you do yourself. You'll learn what works and what doesn't.

When you say that guys don't befriend girls... is that because you don't want to be outed? In other words, people might ask why you aren't dating a girl you get along with in every other way. Or is it just a belief you were raised with? I have less female than male friends, but our bonds are emotionally stronger.

There is one upside to being gay: you have less "trash" to wade through. Smaller community means there's a chance someone you're dating has dated someone else you've dated! But it also means there's more motivation to make it work. You'll have to lose the pickiness.

Someone once said that it's more common for folk in the gay community to be virgins in their twenties and above. A lot of gay men fear growing old alone. Anyway, just like other "first time" (getting drunk, kissing, sex), they're usually disappointed. People are so desperate to check off the box, just to say they've done it, but so many others have said they wish they had waited. They wanted their first time to be special, not with some creep in a dirty hotel room they never heard from again.

And it's true: if someone is openly gay, they'll have a hard time with a partner who won't introduce them to family.

I'm not sure a boyfriend will be able to give you everything you need.

 

I mean, I want to help, but it sounds like you're doing a bit of rejecting, yourself. You won't give straight men a chance. You won't give straight women a chance. What about gay men and lesbians? Bisexuals? I suppose it will be difficult if you're not connected in any way to the larger community. Otherwise, why not connect through things like hobbies and interests?

And sure, straight women have more possible candidates, but they face jerks who break their hearts, too, not to mention cat calling, being ignored and treated as less important, plus the risk of pregnancy. Here's a trip: there are straight women who are jealous of you and other gay men! They say they wished they were born a gay male, instead. For one, more equality between two men than a man and a woman.

I can't tell you which demographic has it worse: straight black women or gay black men, but hell, if Laverne Cox can make it...

At least you know what you like. Good! Start meeting other people who enjoy movies and smoking pot. There are millions. It's not like you're in the middle of Alaska, or anything. LA should have ample opportunities.

 

Well, I didn't mean dating, but you know, making friends. Hell, just putting yourself out there, without the goal of meeting someone. No pressure.

*shrugs* Lonely women, probably? It's usually straight women who wish their bars and clubs were more like gay ones. Easy to see the positives when you're not a part of that world. And yeah, they like that gay men appear more clean, witty/clever/sensitive, and don't want to sleep with them. Catch 22?

My point was that black trans women, especially who are attracted to men, have it pretty rough. Ever attended a TDOR event? The vast majority of those murdered in the States every year are black trans women. Otherwise, things like homelessness, poverty, and discrimination in health/education/housing/career are to be expected. They have several strikes "against" them, but you'll never see them get the same sort of attention Matthew Shepard received.

I should let you know that this isn't a dating site, and you could lose your privileges by sharing information publicly. It's to keep members (younger, especially) safe.

 

How do you know they don't like you? Unless they've actually told you, its impossible to know what every person you encounter is thinking. I'll grant you this: society still isn't 100% uncomfortable with flamboyant or effeminate gay males. On the other side of the coin is you guys are everywhere! At least where the media is concerned. It makes things difficult for gay men who pass as straight and have a hard time relating, or even being believed when they come out to others.

Trans women face sexism, transphobia, and occasionally homophobia. Your average bigot can't care to tell the difference between a cross dresser/drag queen, trans woman, or gender non-conforming male. There's still stigma attached to dating or sleeping with trans women, and people think its the same thing as a gay couple. And finding someone attractive doesn't automatically mean healthy relationship. They're kept as some dirty secret. You fear being attacked for flirting with the wrong guy, but they have the reality of having their throats slit (or any number of gruesome murders) after sleeping with men who are too ashamed of them and feel their masculinity is threatened.