What are you thinking?

I'm so confused right now

 

Went on my first jog in awhile

 

That I wish I had my crush next to me.... (and that he was gay)

 

I have a crush and I am too shy to do anything about it. She might have a girlfriend already anyway.

 

I may cry ruining my make-up wash away all the things you've taken, I don't care if I don't look pretty big girls cry when their hearts are breaking....
Stupid anhedonia, depression, moodiness and emptiness.
This live is just agony and pointless.
Would I really suicide if it wasn't a sin? the answer scares me

 

We're drifting on the ocean baby, we're not gonna make it out alive. We're drifting on this ocean baby I'll see you on the other side.

 

I am thinking that life is extremely weird.

A man I knew killed himself tonight. My facebook feed is filled with people mourning their friend, and talking about how we need to talk about mental health.

I have mental health problems, I tried to discuss them earlier with my best friend. She changed the subject. I tried tonight again and got a reply saying "I'm not the right person...I zone out and day dream about musical monkeys so I could be nodding in agreement to anything you are saying and giving you completely the wrong advice. So you wanna go on a homicidal rampage, hmmmhmmm yip ok" She sent that to me as I sat reading messages about this mans suicide and as people desperately wanted to know why he hadn't just talked to someone.

I understand why he didn't ...

 

How am I dating such a bae? So cute, so sappy.

 

Ugh, I need a break from grading papers. The past two days, I’ve been a grading machine, but I need some downtime to relax my brain.

 

Sleeping in during the school week feels so strange, but I like it.

 

I need to learn how to ask for help.

 

I wish I didn't have to go out. I want to go to bed!

 

I get distracted too easily

 

One of the students that attends the high school I went to had a handgun with him. It wasn't loaded but he had ammunition with it. I can't help but wonder, 'what if he did have the ammunition loaded?', 'what if he hadn't shown the handgun to the two girls? or 'if he had, and what if they didn't report it?' And the ultimate question: 'how long until the mass shooting at that school'. It's times like these I don't think I'm strong enough to be a public school teacher; not strong enough to admit I don't have all the answers. I thought the community I lived in was safe. I thought I was in the impenetrable bubble where nothing could go wrong and we'd all by happy-go-lucky. I guess I thought wrong.

 

I wish I could get back to sleep... maybe if I just check one more forum... after that I'll be able to go to bed

 

I know. I think about that a lot and sometimes I don't feel safe wherever I go. Like its like I don't even know where I want to live.

 

It's a scary world. I was always far too aware that a shooting could happen anywhere anytime. When I was a high schooler, I was afraid every day of going to school. I tried not to let it get to me, but I knew that the victims never expect it to happen to them. I went to a good high school, lots of rich kids, nice area. But I wasn't going to let myself believe that it couldn't happen to me.
@Randy I am glad that kid got reported before anything happened. I'm glad you and your students were safe.
Now I'm in college, and am aware that it is still likely. But less likely. There is no time a shooter could come where everyone would be there at once. There isn't even a real "everyone" because college is less of an everybody-knows-everybody situation. People are probably less likely to feel singled out. Besides, there is more than one building, no real building where everyone is in at once. Even if there is a shooter, there is only a 1/5th chance he will choose the building I am in at the time, and a 1/10th chance he will be in the area of that building that I am in. For these reasons, I can convince myself that I am safe. For these reasons, I would doubt a shooter would even bother. I am not afraid to go to school anymore.
Wow, crazy country I live in. The very fact that I have to think about all of this is just sad. And the most sad thing of all is that it's becoming more and more common, it seems, for something like this to actually take place. It's always really sad to see that more children and young adults had their lives taken.
EDIT: I actually went to two different high schools, and at the first one, there were a couple bomb threats throughout my time there, and none of the teachers cared unless they actually saw what might be a bomb for themselves. So if it was just a threat, they wouldn't really take precautions or anything. And my mom wouldn't let me ditch school so I kinda just had to go and hope it was a prank. God I hate that first school. If there is a threat, take it seriously! Damn!

 

I didn't sleep well last night due to a crushing sense of loneliness. I should probably reach out to people more, or start dating again. I need to train myself to take a more active role in my friendships and relationships.

 

I have a fever of 101.7F. I'm going to have to call out of work and this is suppose to be a busy weekend. It's also my moms birthday. Ugh it's like there's so much I was supposed to do today and now I'm going to be in bed all day. I'm just gonna sleep.

 

I just threw up I think I might be getting the flu again. You know I've thrown up 3 times this month and 5 times in the last 3 months. On December 12, 2017 I had the stomach flu and was throwing up all day and night. On December 30, 2017 I threw up from drinking this naked juice that was too hard on my belly. On February 3, 2018 I threw up from drinking too much alcohol. (I've decided not to have a drink for 30 days after that and I still haven't had a drink nor do I even crave one.) On February 11, 2018 I threw up from coughing too hard and I was nauseous. Then I threw up this morning. I've had a head cold all week. Which I usually only have a head cold for a day or two but this one is not going away. Everyone's getting sick.