What Are You Thinking?

I felt like this a couple hours ago where I had vehemently attempted to convince myself that I'm actually female, and I just did that a couple days ago too. I have no fucking idea what's going on with me, either.

I'm pretty scared of transition and the further I dive into it, the more anxiety I get. I'm perfectly content with being genderqueer, I'm just not sure of the "male" part. And I feel like it's worthless because I'll never really be male, cis anyway. I'll never have that Y chromosome, and it's really, really frustrating. I'll never exactly be what I should have been.

I just know I can't develop and grow up to be a woman, eugh. Just the thought of that makes my skin crawl. SO even though I'm coming from a mirrored perspective, I totally understand what you mean... with the doubts and everything. The dysphoria, the uncertainty, all of it.

Sorry for totally derailing this and making everything about me, but I get you. I understand all too well.

 

It's hell absolute misery and hell. I keep chasing smoke and mirrors and it keeps leading me nowhere, and like "Umm...now what?". I feel like I have nothing left.....like.........what now?

I feel like, for myself....at the end of the day....10 years from now? That's it, for me. Thinking of growing into a MAN?? Fucking...ugh like you said. My skin CRAWLS. So to actually have to live that as reality 10 years from now? Nope...I won't be able to handle it. Defs not.

So ya know? Whatever. I'm at my wits end. What else do I have left but to just go through with it? Nothing. And maybe one day after I've been on hormones for years, I will be happy with myself. If I'm not, at least my body isn't my enemy. At least that hell I can handle, if it DOES turn out to be its own kinda hell...

I kept listening to this song when I started my transition and thought of it again, now:

Pilgrim by Enya & The Hubble Deep Field by Tony Darnell - YouTube

I'm just....I have to go through with this, even though it's hard and I can't stop or look back, no matter how much I will WANT to like I know I will. Because there are two paths in front of me, and one...I know how it ends. I may get a little bit of happiness but dysphoria will shove me deeper and deeper into a hole inside my mind...and that hole will become my grave. The other path?....I dunno....it has no set end.....but it doesn't HAVE to be bad. So, yeah. I want to go that way...always have...just lost sight of it, I guess.

 

Do you think the transphobia comes from being afraid? Possibly of the unknown?

I feel you. Opposite of course, but I know that pain when you're forced into a role that you don't want to be in. It just isn't comfortable and it feels so wrong. (*hug*)

Lying to yourself is certainly not healthy. Though I know how that goes, because I lied to myself for years and years. It helps for a brief moment, but in the end your true-self will kick down that barrier and come at you tenfold.

 

Partly, also, I dunno, sometimes I just wrongly buy into what society says about trans* people being weird. It's so wrong, but I can't help it I should work on that not so nice side of myself.

And to the second part... YES. I was deep in denial for a while, I dunno, I thought I was happy until the smoke cleared, and all the high of it wore off and I calmed and saw things for what they were...and what they'd be, I just suddenly became lucid and realized how I really felt.

Detransitioning...soo much went on right before I did that probably caused some mindfucking, as well. Being kicked out by my parents for one (no coincidence, maybes, that I stopped a week after).

 

We might be weird, but then again what is normal? No one is truly normal, and even cispeople have their flaws. We just happen to have a very complex flaw that most people can't seem to wrap their heads around. They can't ever truly understand what it's like to be trapped in the wrong body. And pushing their views on to you is very valid. No one wants to be considered a freak. :\ Everyone strives to be that "normal" person, that people don't think twice about.

Yup pretty much. And I think because of all that lying to yourself, self-doubt is born. And depending on how much you lied, and sat in denial, the stronger that self-doubt is.

Ahhh, I'm sorry your parents kicked you out. :< That's just awful.

 

I'd rather just have the questioning culminate. I'm tired of having so much doubt, though I know I need to transition but I'm dealing with a lot of internalized transphobia and worry.

If you know you have to transition, that's the route to go, as terrifying as it can be. Trying to lie and live life as a persona, as someone you really aren't.. it's mind-numbing. It's terrible. I'd rather take transitioning fully than having to live my life as a woman. I'd commit suicide if I had to do that. It's really a life or death situation, for a lot of us anyway.

You know what you want, and what you need... for the sake of keeping some sanity, and living life as comfortable as possible, coming to terms with yourself and accepting who you are.. that's the real bliss. That's what's truly achievable; not trying to convince yourself you're happy living as someone else.

I know being trans sucks. It really, really fucking sucks. I wouldn't wish dysphoria or these problems on anyone. Worst feeling in the entire world. But we have to deal with the cards we were dealt with, and try to make the best of our situation, even if the cards are bleh. But we can achieve happiness, and we have the right to be happy and confident with ourselves.

I feel fucking terrible because I'm a hypocrite saying these things... considering I'm so nervous about transitioning further. I'm pretty confused myself. But I know what I have to do.

 

Agreed (*hug*) despite everything...I think at the end of the day we both know what we need to do. I'm just...sad.....I guess I was sooo hoping and trying to convince myself the path of least resistance could take me where I wanted to go, but it doesn't end well.

*siigh* welllll......here it comes! I'm so so SO sorry you're going through the same thing, and I hate that you have to, but I would be lying if I said it didn't help to know I'm not alone (*hug*)

 

Fall just hurry up and get here, I cannot stand the in between period...I need this weird depression to go away.

 

Eugh, why doesn't Facebook have an option of "rape" when reporting somethin? So many pages and posts encouraging rape, and I'm not able to put that into the "violence" category when reporting them.

 

I want to invent something to deliver instant karma. Like a bracelet that gives you a chocolate every time you do something nice, but zaps the crap out of you if you act like a jerk. Everyone will be required to wear one. Poof. World peace.

 

Feeling a little discouraged, I just realized that I have no real chance of getting into a collage that I just signed up to visit. Its not that I really wanted to go to the collage due to it's overall expense and overall arrogant nature of the student body. Its just the feeling of inadequacy that bugs me...

 

I really feel like I should make some sort of gesture to my best friend before we drift any further apart. But then I realise that I don't know if we are drifting apart or if I'm just being paranoid. And I don't really want to buy him a present because having to buy friendship is just sad.

Also, I think I'd probably better try to make my doctor's appointment for today, a week early. It's been a pretty bad week for my mental health all in all.

 

I am in so much debt, and I work two shitty jobs for less money than I could possibly attempt to live on.

Awesome...

 

LGBT society last night was great! Chatted to loads of people, I'm pleasantly surprised at the size of the gay/trans scene at uni

 

I don't think I can do this anymore

 

What's up? (*hug*) xxx

 

Every time I try to talk to mum she's busy
I don't have friends, and the ones I did have I lost too easily
I cry everyday
I want to cut myself just to see how much I bleed

 

I hope things will get better for you. And soon. (((hug)))

---------- Post added 2nd Oct 2013 at 10:25 AM ----------

What about asking her if she has time later in the evening? Maybe the fact that you are trying 'to make an appointment' with her will make her aware that you really need to talk.

 

Second this, could uou text her and say you need to talk? Xxx