What Are You Thinking?

Today is Wednesd- NO, Tuesday. ... Tuesday? But I don't work Tuesdays I work Wednesdays, and I worked today, so... but the calendar says...

^ Basically how my brain's interpreting what day it is today. I keep thinking it's Wednesday but NOPE, Tuesday. It's so screwy. T_T

 

Ugh, I am such a sissy. I can't even play Mortal Kombat 9 at night because I'm too afraid of the Living Forest stage and the screamers in the Krypt....but I really wanna play...but I don't want nightmares of living trees and screaming ghouls...

 

I wonder what is going to happen with my university housing when I start hormones??

 

Why does it have to be so windy? I was supposed to go out kayaking today, but clearly I can't. My brother is only free on Wednesdays this holiday, so we have to wait until next week. :dry:

 

I really want to hear my dad refer to me as "hijo" again.
If only I could've bottled the euphoria I felt yesterday when he said it..

 

There better be a season two, or else... (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻)

 

theRE ARE LI TER ALLY TEAR SI IN MY EYES OMFGGG "DOO"

 

New Zealand is weird there was just an ad on TV for a sheep shearing program (yeah I know right) and there was a queer person on it moving wool around on a bench and they said "There are a lot of straight-acting people out there that don't think they are gay but they are" and then the ad just ends and goes to the next one.

?????

 

To get my depression back? lol, no, not really. I think that when you have been living with depression for so long you get used to your emotions being raw. It's a part of you, it becomes essential. I miss it like a drug. I believe what I am having now is an ordinary life. Day by day, no big drama, no deep thinking about things and my feelings. It feels like I am someone else.

I think it's called a normal, ordinary life. I will have to find a better substitution for my 'drug' than depression

 

Do men drink tea?

 

Time for bed.

Or rather, time to go lay in bed while playing with my phone alternating between netflix, playing angry birds and reading random stuff online.

I know, such an exciting life

 

Mmm Tea~ Though Iced Tea is better in my opinion.

 

Dysphoria....won't go away I thought I could be happy this way, but once the smoke and the denial cleared...it's all exactly the same as it was pre-transition. Same problems. I have to recognize the fact that....despite my internalized transphobia, I AM transgender. And no matter how much I romanticize gay males or how absolutely adorable I think y'all are....being one, just won't suit me. It wrecks my brain in a way words can hardly even describe.

This hurts....it hurts sooo bad, cuz I'm so afraid to resume transition, because I'm afraid it's not enough (among other things). But I realize that either way I will have problems...but this way, I am a stranger in my own skin. It's not AS bad now that I'm young and femme and boyish and reaaally androgynous (and actually pass as female often, did just last week)...but developing into a MAN? I couldn't handle that.

The problems I have in transition can't be cured by detransition...I need to find a way to stop hating myself for being transgender, because it's not going to go away if I just WISH it away.

I can't deal with this shit, anymore.....

 

I can't believe these hobbit trailers are actually beginning to suck me in...

Hold the dramatic gasps, but, although I respect Tolkien as a writer, I was not a fan of the LOTR, especially not as a trilogy. Though with path they are taking with these hobbit movies; I might have to watch the first before December. I could even read the hobbit by then since I wanted to at some point, but I'm not really feeling Tolkien at the moment.

I think I'm going to restock my shelves after I can overcome the insanity that is this week. I have been reading a ton of contemporary classics, but I'm inching for some dark fantasy. @_@

 

(*hug*) Self-exploration is a tough journey. I think you should focus on how you want to see yourself in the future. Do you want to grow old as a woman? Or a Man? Meditation might help you through all that. It's often helped me when I'm being torn in two by self-doubt and dysphoria.

 

That's exactly it...I KNOW how I want to see myself in the future....and that is without a single doubt, as a female. I couldn't take being a male past 25 or so. Right now...I'm basically a girl, anyways, and everyone says so. I'm just a femme, twinky, young gay BOY atm and I can HANDLE that, to some degree. But being a "man"?? And being treated that way. Nope. I see suicide at 30 or so, and that's not being emo it's just being real about the fact I couldn't handle being that.

And that's whats tearing me apart...I wish I could just be a gay male or a cisfemale. But I can't be either. So, yeahhh. Guess I need to figure out what to do....transition was soo hard on me, because of my expectations. I wanted to be CIS, and even though I passed well and was considered very beautiful by many people, I kept telling myself it wasn't enough. And that since I couldn't have all I'd rather have nothing and live with that.

It's hard cuz this is a crucial time. Inaction is action, in itself. I think transition is honestly probably the only path for sustainable happiness, unfortunately, no matter HOW much I try to talk myself out of it or whether or not I see it as "enough".

I just wonder how much energy I have left for any of this

 

I need my sleeping meds back so bad..

 

So you want to be female, but cisfemale. :\ I totally get it. Passing isn't enough for you...hmm. I wonder if there could be a way for you to compromise with the way you feel on the inside and the male you appear to be on the outside. Though dysphoria is so annoying...it's hard to compromise with it. It finds away to sneak back in your life.

If you started to transition again, would you consider going all the way, even though it's pricey? Because bottom surgery for MtF seems pretty legit...from what I've seen (haven't done much research on it, so maybe you know more about it.)

 

It's like...yeaah, that. But that's wrong cuz it shows I have internalized transphobia I need to work on but yeah, no. I can do it for now, cuz I'm so femme, I'm not usually forced into any roles, but I know down the line...it would be living hell for me. I couldn't be one of those people that's like...I dunno.

My dysphoria is *severe* when it's there, no matter how much I try to pretend it away. When I'm pushed into a masculine role, it's literally like a physical ache inside of me, practically.

I guess my big problem is I have this huuge love for gay males. I think they're so freaking cute and awesome. And in theory, it doesn't seem that bad being one, so that's why I convince myself since I was BORN male, I could do it. But I can't. I can't handle aaactually being one, it feels wrong and out of place and not me.

I dunno about surgery...I'd have to think about all that. I'd want it, but then financing it is such a pain, I don't need that pressure. If I resume transition, it's going to be nooo pressure to do or be anything.

I just don't think there's any compromising with it. Dysphoria...it's rough right NOW and I'm femme. I got ma'med all the time, actually (did just the other day). As I get older and T does more and more damage, it will become unbearable and horrible...and my option of transition to deal with it? It'll still be there, but I will have wasted time...soo much time.

I just feel like....in the end...truly transgendered people, like I KNOW I am...as much as I tried to tell myself there was a way I could live with out it....we all transition in the end. It's more about how much damage you let T and denial do before you decide to.