What Are You Thinking?

I was born on the day that movie came out. I always hated it!
Also, to go along with the thread topic, I'm thinking about how I should be doing things other than watching video game competitions and "attack on titan". and the past is shite, I don't remember most of it though, probably for a good reason.

 

I don't know how else to say it. This depression has completely enveloped me again. So this is it? This is how the rest of my life is going to be. Why does everyone expect me to fight this? I can't anymore, it's pointless. It will only come back just as strong no matter what I do.

This isn't what I wanted for my life. I thought I could be a teacher or an author. No, the best hope I have is to live off of the government locked away in some house all by myself.

I'm tired of lying. I'm fucking miserable and I have no plans to get any better. Everyone can do what they want with me but I'm done. They may not like it but I AM my depression and, no matter how much I wish it wasn't true, nobody on this planet can change that.

 

Dear brain, stop giving me mixed messages. o^o

 

Besides my dad yelling, today is pretty great.

 

Today= No
Blah. Blah. *insert boring story here* blah. blah.
Today was decent, only thanks to some people streaming.

 

Seems when the dysphoria's at its worse, my self doubt bites me in the ass.

I don't even know the person in the mirror anymore and I hate her...

 

Ugh self doubt is a real pain. (*hug*)

 

I threw my arms around her legs... Came to weeping......

I think my perfectionism causes me to be both extremely productive and unproductive in alternating instances. It forces me to always get done what is absolutely necessary, but always feel like there is something that needs to be done is quite exhausting. At times to the point where I just cave in and accomplish nothing.

I am always appreciative of my accomplishments; I just wish I could be content with the personal standards most of the rest of the human population live by. I'm tired of always being busy juggling dozens of different things.

Anyway, I need to take something for this migraine.

 

Okay why wasn't this around when I was a kid? This is awesome.

[YOUTUBE]tmfXgvT9h3s[/YOUTUBE]

 

I might like my friend concert, even though I'm the one who needs to song up there with her.

 

It's pretty nice to be able to use male pronouns when I am talking about myself in third person. I really have no idea why I didn't figure this out earlier..

 

Right? I've started using my male name when referring to myself and it's great. Even if I'm calling myself an idiot. Finally feels like I'm talking about my real self. :lol:

---------- Post added 18th Jul 2013 at 09:46 PM ----------

How did it take me this long to get into Killswitch Engage? :0

 

My parents want me to be self-sufficient but then they offer to loan me money? Uh...I thought you were teaching me to be self-sufficient. I'll gladly take the money, but I just don't get this gest...it confuses me. Also, drove on the highway by myself today after 3 years of having a license...I got a lecture on how they can't replace me but they can replace a car. Yeah...after I leave, I don't plan to look or come back unless it's crucial. They just confuse the hell outta me.

 

So. Two big epiphanies tonight.

1. I've been using writing to cope. Literally lived for the stories I was writing. My gender issues began around puberty, which is when my anxiety/depression kicked in and when I began to write. No idea how I would have survived my teen years without writing because it was the only thing keeping me around.

2. I've never lived. Not really. I lived in my head and refused to acknowledge the person I was becoming- not anymore. Damn it, I'm going to finally live the way I was meant to.

---------- Post added 18th Jul 2013 at 11:36 PM ----------

And someone reblogged one of my poems on Tumblr. They said it brought tears to their eyes. Probably the best thing a writer can hear. :3

 

The Dells was a lot of fun. Uploaded some pics from the trip

 

Just wondering... Am I the only person who reads every post on a thread that I create? As well as atleast 3 pages of posts before and after a post I make on a thread plus the original topic on the thread? I just believe some people put a lot of thought into their posts and all posts deserve to be read ^)^

 

I try and do that most of the time. Sometimes though I'm just lazy, and I feel bad for not reading each and every post.

 

[YOUTUBE]u62OtM_vt5k[/YOUTUBE]

The waterworks are flowing alright.

 

Cried so much tonight. Feel like throwing up

 

Ugh. Bad dream. Not a nightmare, just an annoying dream that I know from experience is going to set a damper on my entire day even after I forget about the details. Just as well I'm going home tonight, something to look forward to.