What Are You Thinking?

I might ask for a week ban from EC, I need a break or something to fix me. EC is a major support for me, but at the same time it's incredibly easy for me to read something triggering and fall back down my hole. I don't want to be separated from my friends though, this stuff is so stressful

 

I was reminiscing today about a friend/co-worker. Back in 1996, I was working in some small town in New Mexico. But yes, I was out. My birthday was coming up, so my co-worker approached me about getting me a gift.

"How about if I buy you a gay porn video tape?"
"Yeah, I'd really like that."
"..You really want gay porn for your birthday?"
"Oh, I'm sure I'll enjoy the porn. But my real gift will be you buying it for me."

He suddenly realized...he would have to go into a porn store and buy a gay porn tape. (That's how you had to do it pre-internet days.) He ended up dragging a female co-worker with him to the store. ("You think he'll like this one?" "How the hell should I know?!") but he did buy me the tape. And it was enjoyable.

Lex

 

I just came out to another one of my friends from home!!

 

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY! I need to work the courage to do so to my childhood friend. I am sure that he is accepting but I am not sure.

 

DEAR MOM,

Look, I understand you're worried about me. I would be too, if you were doing what I'm doing. I've gone through 5 today alone. That's insane, I understand. But I CAN'T STOP. I NEED this. My addiction is too powerful. I know it seperates me from the family. I know my friends avoid me because of it. I stay up all night, and all through the day I'm in a daze, not all the way here in this world.

I've tried to stop. I know it interferes with my daily life. Hell, I skip class because my addiiction is too strong, not that I need to go to virtual classes. I know your husband thinks I have a problem and nags you because of it. He threatens to raid my room and search for the only thing that makes me FEEL through this numb shell I have.

But I really need this. It takes me away from this cruel world. I'm free, if only for a little while, in a place that is safe. I think that's why you let me keep doing it. You know I can't handle the stress, so you let me do this to myself, even if I lose hours of sleep and slip out of reality. My vision blurs, my eyes glaze over, and yet I keep doing this shit until it finally knocks me out.

I keep needing more and more. I don't know if I can keep up with even EATING, because whenever I stop, reality kicks in and I realize that my fantasy world is just that; fantasy. So I take in more and more. I don't know how much more I can take before I OD.

Please mom, I know it's scary, but PLEASE don't take my books away!!! I will DIE if I can't read all these "The Far Side" comics!!!!

 

I hate feeling. I hate right now.

Nice. Real nice. I loved seeing that. Thank you, I'm sure it was hard for you to sleep. I'll believe that.

 

hmm... I'm almost positive that my dad's cousin is bisexual. He's gotta be...

 

Nyaaaaah! So cute! I wantz! Just...don't name it Squidward, whatever you do. -__-




My mind has been infiltrated....

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time

---------- Post added 29th Aug 2012 at 09:53 PM ----------

Woot woot!!! *throws party for thecat* cele-braaate! Don't you just love those moments..

---------- Post added 29th Aug 2012 at 09:55 PM ----------

:roflmao: that. was. freaking. hilarious. I was worried, and then all that worry energy turned into mad respect for some good built up comedy bahahah

---------- Post added 29th Aug 2012 at 09:57 PM ----------

Oh and I am thinking, oh crap... I'm going to be addicted to this forum.

 

I've figured out my type as far as the ladies go:

Pale skin
English or American
Slim, shapely
Dark red hair
Mature, strong personality
Can differentiate between vulnerability and weakness
Quirky/interesting eyes are a bonus
Deep thinker/perceptive

 

:roflmao:

Oh I so want to go back in time and watch your co-worker attempt to buy that video tape

 

I kinda really want to be "that guy" and crash the next GSA meeting on Tuesday. Jaws are literally going to drop when I walk in, I know it. I feel like I'm so boring as a person in general, just so average, and it honestly surprises me that I somehow managed to become a lightning rod in this club. Everyone in it, that's been in it for a while, either totally hates my guts, my face, and everything about me, or they want to fuck me and date me. (Mainly because the first boy I've ever had anything serious with is now the club president, who is now one of my mortal enemies.) It's craziness. Total craziness. I've been avoiding the GSA for the last two years because of it. But it's my last year on campus so why not have some fun. I want to see what trouble I can get into.

 

Yesssss. This is amazing. I just want to watch this scenario over and over.

Also...


I can feel it coming. It's coming. And very soon. And I am just not prepared.Then again, I never am. This absolutely sucks.

 

Just when I was about to fall back into my bad habit, the therapist I tried to call earlier this week called me back. Appointment is set up for saturday.
I suppose that's what is a karmic experience.

 

People are always asking me how I was unaware that people dated and broke up or that people didn't talk to each other for x amount of time because y said z. I have 5 answers that I give in this situation:

1. I don't care
2. Nobody tells me this stuff (not that I want them to, see 1)
3. I don't notice people acting strangely
4. I'm barely around these people
5. We're adults. Grow the fuck up.

 

Oh, how relevant to my life right now.

 

Get. The Fuck. Off. My. Back. Damn.
Never good enough. It's just never good enough for you guys.
Maybe I should move back home.
A lot of opportunities will be lost as far as bettering my life, but...
You're making it all kinds of stressful for me here.
And at least there...I wasn't alone.

 

It's official, I'm changing my major to elementary education

 

Awesome people! I think I'm gonna find a job that involves foreigners. It's the only thing that genuinely makes me happy.
Note to self: Please don't have a crush on any of them. I miss them already.