I will admit that I did not read every word of every post, but has it already been mentioned that Eric might suffer from Homosexual OCD (HOCD), a type of OCD in which a person becomes obsessed and terrified about potentially being a different sexual orientation than they actually are to the point of causing confusion, depression, and great distress? HOCD: Homosexual OCD & Sexual Orientation OCD | Steven J. Seay, Ph.D. To answer the original question: I sometimes feel devastated that I cannot be the person that my father, who has sacrificed so much for me, wants me to be (this extends beyond my sexuality, but my sexuality is part of it). I sometimes feel that I would rather die than continue to be a perpetual disappointment to him (I would say that these feelings started when I was about sixteen; I started suspecting that I was not heterosexual when I was around 11 and had consolidated such when I was almost 15). However, I realize that my death would be more traumatic to him and to everyone that loves him than would my non-heterosexuality or my neurodivergence. Also, breaking the heart of someone that I really loved and cared for because my body and hormones could not "connect" with him made me feel rather self-loathing. I do not much care that my sexuality is a societal minority, nor do I believe that any all-powerful Deity would waste His/Her/Its/Their/Zir precious energy or time on such trivial matters as what the cerebrally-enhanced primates are doing or think about doing with their private parts.
Yes, I was completely devastated, I was 12, got super depressed, at school I pretended to be the same happy kid, but in reality I was dead inside, at home I just isolated myself from my parents and sister. Had exactly the same thoughts you are having, I couldn't see myself living a gay life at all, only thinking about it made me sick, I felt disgusted with myself everytime I'ld have a thought or a dream about a boy, which happened a lot! I felt there was no hope for me, I thought I rather be dead than being gay. It was horrible, this went for at least 5 years, very hard times. At the age of 18-19 I started to give myself a break, I was by no means happy about the way I felt but I decided to stop punishing me for it. Now many years later, I've come to fully accepted myself, I'm still closeted yes, but I'm happier than I ever thought I would be. One day I just asked myself the question "if you could turn straight right now, just by clapping your hands, would you? My answer was no, I liked what I felt, I found I would miss feeling like this, beholding the beauty on other guys and feel incredible things inside me. I couldn't believe I was thinking like that! I mean I must had gone crazy! That day I knew everything would be ok, cause no matter what happened, I knew who I was and I loved it! Had I know this back when I was 12 things would had been very different but I guess things happen for a reason. Keep hopeful, my best wishes. Diego.
