Were you devastated when you realized you were gay?

Do you have a problem with other people living a gay lifestyle? If the answer is no then why are you holding yourself to a different standard? Do you believe you can make yourself want something or not want something else? You seem to be having a very ordinary problem of holding an idealization of yourself as the person you are, which you are not and are beginning to know you can't be. This sucks to realize, and I'm sorry for you.

 

What about it is gross?

Also, here's something my therapist reminded me. Being gay is not just about sex. It's about who you connect with, fall in love with, want to spend your life with. How do you feel about men in those contexts? And does that disgust you, too, or is it just the sexual acts that cause disgust?

 

Then I think we found the root of the problem.

Lex

 

I wasn't devastated at all, since I finally knew *what* I was. I was just scared (and still am) about coming out to the rest of my family and having a serious relationship with another guy. It'd just be really awkward and stuff, but that's another hurdle that I have to get over eventually. I'm grudgingly accepting it, but I'm not devastated at all.

 

If you think "being gay" is synonymous with "anal sex", you might want to do a little more research.

Lex

 

I'm guessing the "do not want" is more of a visceral and reflexive psychological reaction that is (pardon) verging on pathological because of how long you have been thinking about it in negative terms.

 

No, it's not. The most common form of sex between gay guys is oral, not anal. A surprising percentage of gay couples rarely or never have anal sex.

You do not "give people permission" to shoot you. If you honestly believe that, you're suggesting that you think gay people - or, more accurately, guys who engage in that yucky sex stuff - are deserving of being shot. And again, I think that's where the real problem lies.

Lex

 

You could but it wouldn't make any sense.

 

Maybe you could have a full erection if you let go of your inhibitions and fears that you have about the possibility of being gay? What is it that's holding you back, what is it that you are afraid of? There is nothing wrong with having a boyfriend or adopting children. In fact, there are many who need loving parents so that is certainly an option and many heterosexual couples who are unable to conceive adopt, and it's considered acceptable. If you are gay, and it seems like you are resisting making a commitment to it, which is ok, you know yourself best, but if you are, then this is who you are. You can't change that, and no amount of time will help you overcome the devastation you feel, only your own acceptance can do that. I never had the feeling of being devastated I was gay, I was upset but only because I was married to a man, and I didn't want to hurt him, but as for actually realizing I was gay, I was happy. I remember telling the first person I came out to that I finally know who I am. There was always something missing, and I found the missing piece. Have you tried counseling to help you work through your feelings about this. Not focusing only on your erectile dysfunction, but on how you feel about the possibility that you're gay, what it is you're afraid of, and why are you so resistant. Your parents already know your suspicions according to you, and you haven't mentioned negative reactions from them, so the negativity is from you. It's good to come here and talk about it, but you really should look for some form of professional help in your area to work through your issues. Even if you're not gay, there could be other mental reasons for the ED, and therapy will help you address those.

 

No one is trying to 'recruit' you. It's not something you choose, it's who you are. We're trying to help you to help yourself figure this out. I really do think you should look into therapy of some sort as you have very conflicting emotions which can be confusing and damaging. If you are gay, and choose to ignore it, you will never find peace, you'll be trying to runaway from yourself, and that just doesn't work; another very important reason why you need help. You've put all of this time into looking at the physical aspects of your problem and you saw professionals for that, now you should invest time into the mental/emotional aspects of your problem. Good luck.

 

Why would anyone try to 'recruit' you? Where did you get such a silly notion?

 

I'm not sure what you hope to get out of this forum, Eric Dave. You argue with people when they tell you they think you're straight. You accuse people of "recruiting" you if they agree you may be gay. No one can "recruit" anyone into being gay, you either are or you aren't. And none of us can tell you for sure whether you are or not, either. Lex has also been very patient with you despite the fact that you've made some rather offensive comments.

I'm in agreement with HTBO that you really should go back into therapy to discuss these issues with a professional. If the ones you've seen in the past didn't help, seek someone new. As I've said to you before, I think you need to address your anxiety and OCD before you can fully suss out your own orientation. Whether you find you are gay or you are straight if you deal with your OCD at the very least you'll be able to let yourself let go of some of the obsessive thoughts and behaviors you are experiencing now.

 

What did they say? Did you perceive them as trying to get you to be gay against your will?

 

I'm not entirely convinced you're precisely where you're most comfortable - in the throes of "analysis paralysis". Because you won't have to take any more steps forward as long as you don't have all the data yet, yes no? Either way, I think I've reached by limit as to how much I can help you.

Lex