So I identify as Gay and I tend to talk to guys for fun etc. Recently I made a girl friend and we speak about guys and all kinds of things. Over the past 3/4 weeks we've gotten closer. It's just video chats and phone calls because we're in different countries (met online) Lately whilst talking to her on the phone, i get erections. Like every time. It started off just as "soft but firm" kind of thing, now when I talk with her, i just get full blown ones. so.. Now my identity feels wrong. Not gay. Bi... right? But if I imagine being with a women it's a huge turn off. But her voice just DOES something to me. i've come out to her as gay twice. So now I don't know WHAT to do. very confusing stuff. I find it hard to identify as Gay when I'm being turned just by talking to her on the phone. maybe im just super horny?
I spent a large part of my life thinking I was straight (until around 44 and I'm a few months shy of 48 now), so it's definitely possible for these realizations to come later in life. I know in my case, while I have attractions to both, I am more strongly attracted to women, so maybe you don't like most women but have a connection to this one for some reason. Aside from just feeling aroused do you have any fantasies or thoughts about having sex with her?
You could be bi, as you’re getting aroused by a woman. Bisexuality is a huge spectrum, and not all bi people want to actually sleep with both sexes. Some bi people lean almost exclusively one way. I’m similar to you but basically the exact opposite lol. I came out as lesbian years ago but turns out I’m bisexual. However I can’t imagine ever sleeping with a guy or even being in a relationship with one. But only you can know 100%! There are some people who get turned on by random things regardless of their sexuality. There may be an underlying factor to it? I think it’s better to let yourself go with the flow rather than try too hard to analyse things if it causes stress. And there’s no shame in changing your label if that becomes the case
I fantasize kissing her and kind of like just hugging and stroking/touching her while laying in bed all cozy. In a romantic/sensual way, not in a sex way (i imagine being fully closed and comfy with her). But yeah, i keep getting the "wanting to kiss her" feeling. And I also keep wanting to say "i love you". Like she'll laugh or say something cute and I'll get overwhelming sense of attraction/love and warmth. Like it's PERFECT. But it all kind of could be a fantasy thing as i idenify as gay. and wehen i think of actual sex i dont "feel" it.
It is possible that you are bisexual and just haven't realised it yet. Bear in mind that some bisexual people have a very definite preference for the same sex and only very rarely will they connect with a member of the opposite sex. Even so, they are bisexual. Is it possible that this applies to you and the girl you have been talking to represents that rare connection with the opposite sex? You told us that you have spent time talking to her about boys and I wonder if the arousal occurs during those conversations only. Have you actually noticed when you become aroused (what is the topic of conversation) ??
Well I'm starting to actually fall into a "pansexual/demisexual" category. Which feels perfect. So Bi (for the rest of the rest of the world). Having sexual desire for either sex defiantly requires a strong emotional bond (and one whereby the other person is romantic/loving/caring/compassiniate). When we talk about boys I don't get arroused. I get a romantic feeling and i get the butterflys and that kind of thing, but i have only gotten arroused when she talks to me in that "darreen, are you okkayyy. whats the matter" and then all the cutesi sounds she does just making silly little melodies with her voice and all that stuff. When she gets cutesi I can imagine her touching me in a sensual/romantic way (sorry to get too "graphic" with these words) and by that i just mean like, laying with me cuddling and stuff like that. then before I know it, my little friend comes uip to say hello ( i get arroused). umm, When she talks about boys she likes or her exes (or the other day, talking about err "sizes") i get very upset. I don't like her talking about guys she likes and stuff. I feel very jelous. And it's hard to break out of that mindset. But I let her talk about her past because it's HER past (not mine) but sometimes I'll ask her to stop and she will. But then i've spoken agbout girls and SHE got jelous. So whatever im feeling it feels kind of mutual. So io've only been arroused (physically) when she does her thing of talking to me, asking me how im feeling and that stuff. We call it "feeling cozy". She'llk ask me "are you feeling cozy yet?". When she gives me love, I just feel SO HAPPY. i never ever felt that happy/cotent before in my life, She is the first person who makes me not wanna smoke green. I've smoked like nothing in the past 3 weeks becasue I love just atlking to her instead. The ways she makes me feels is 10x better. 100x better. I've never been this emotional close with a women before. In fact, I have been making consciouse efforts since december to "trust women" as i come from a history of having umm, trust issues. stemming from upbringing etc. What is very complex is I am not *tat* turned on by the thought or visual of guys. I know I used to be, but lately It just isn't turning me on. And then sometimes I dont get turned on by women either :S very confusing. Overall. None of this matters. I think i'm gonna have to sit on the bi label because a) I enjoy sex with guys and B) I have been turned on by a girl 100% now. so Bisexual it is. Then Pansexual/Demisexual for a more specific description. I really want to sleep with a women now but as I'm Demisexual. It'll be tough as I require that emotional bond. I know kinda my type (both males./females) so i guess ill just have to try and find someone but yeah, its gonna be tough :S and overall none of this matters. What matters is I enjoy this girls company and she enjoys mine. which is nice.
Sexual and romantic feelings are often connected, but not always. This sounds like you may hold the latter for her and not the former (or maybe just partially, based on your more recent post). On the first, yes, I didn't know until I was in my mid-40s (though there were plenty of clear signs from earlier once I acknowledged them), and there's definitely a spectrum, I doubt many of us are truly 50/50. I think that's great and really is ultimately what matters.
Hello, @darrenPC. It seems to me (based on everything you've said here) that you could in fact be bi. It's not uncommon for bisexual people to lean much harder toward one sex over the other, be it the opposite or same. In your case, it sounds like you have a strong preference for men, but that perhaps this girl is one of the rare few (as has been said by others) that inspires feelings in you. Only you can know for sure, though. All the rest of us can do is speculate.
I do wonder if some of your thoughts and feelings are coloured by what you wrote in this thread. https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/internalized-homophobia-help.490288/#post-6755217 Is it possible?
