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internalized homophobia. help.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by zeecoop, Apr 16, 2022.

  1. zeecoop

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Hertfordshire
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Long story short. I have many problems mentally which i'm beginning to become aware of. One of which is internalized homophobia.

    I just have no idea how to address it. It's destorying my relatinships as I come out to my friend then by evening time, i'm ack in the closet and i feel alone again. Me and a few people all agree I probably have BPD, so i am jorunaling stuff so I can get properly assessed.

    I think due to black/white thinking. unstable self-image among other things (Pure O thinking/internalised homophobia). It's very easy for me to destroy my self-image and then resort back to obsessing about girls despite not having any interest in them.

    Yesterday I think my trigger was seeing a couple having a picnic in the park. probably teenagers, but it was just so cute that I felt like "thats what i want".

    But when I go back into the "I want a girlfriend" mindset, it becomes hell for me and then the people around me also suffer. Where as when I'm out as gay and my friends "see the real me". I feel loved, accepted and like ME.

    Right now I feel very empty and alone. I feel guilty that I did wrong to my friend who has loved and supported me. but also I feel all kinds of things towards her which are just my personality disorder being wierd.

    Now i'm gonna need to come out to her again, but im tired of manipulating people without even realising as i'm doing it to myself too.


    Anyway... long story - even longer .... Where do I start with internalised homophobia? Bare in mind my only experiences has been crushes/pseudo-relationships with straight guys and a few sexual experiences which had no romance (so purely errr, "play").

    A place to start is ksising. I never kissed a guy and I feel like it's kinda gross. Yet I think also it's something I really want.

    thanks for reading x (sorry for essay, I have work in 2 hours and i just dont know what to do with myself)
     
  2. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

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    It's important to recognise and understand that internalised homophobia is our reaction to external social cues and constructs. Nobody is born into this world with the idea that straight is great and gay, no way! Any prejudice we feel towards gay people or our gay selves is learned behaviour, so the process of self acceptance is really one of unlearning. We need to look deep within ourselves to understand why we feel so repelled by something (homosexuality) that's as old as time. What social messages have we taken on board without any real thought or consideration and are those messages reasonable or viable? It's only when we drill down into these questions and consider them carefully that we begin to see the absurdity of homophobia. Let's take the idea of two men kissing, which you find kinda gross... why do you think that is? You wasn't born with this feeling and it didn't arise from nowhere, so where do you think it's come from and why are you so ready to accept it?

    Self acceptance comes when we fully understand that there is nothing wrong or disordered in being attracted to, or physically intimate with members of the same sex. All arguments to the contrary have been constructed by other people and we don't have to accept them. So this is a process of unlearning. The grass aint always greener on the other side. Gay people need to stop romanticising straight relationships and seeing them as more worthy than our own. They are no better and in many cases they are even more complicated and disorderly as two people with very different mindsets try to make life work together.

    Maybe while you are journaling about your feelings, you should do the same with this issue.
     
    rainbow96 and sunbird like this.