The hair dilemma

Hi peeps

I have a hair dilemma. I asked my hairdresser about short haircuts, and she was like... it would look okay on me, but she showed how she thinks it would look, and I pretty much think I would look like a middle aged woman. I might get my hair cut short one day, when I get a managerial position and kids... That's how I feel about it. I don't have the right face for a "queer haircut". I guess I can somewhat pass with medium hair... So I grew my hair out a bit and it's about shoulder length. If I wait, it can still be shoulder length for some time. I also decided to pierce my ears. And get one additional piercing in one ear. I like the look. *shrug* Anyway, I'm left with shoulder length hair, long hair, or chin length hair. I can pass with chin ength hair, I guess. It looks emo. The haircut I had and like. But I'm not sure how those different hair lengths affect passing? I don't care to pass this much. I just want to read as a tomboy, I want to read masculine. People tell me I look better with long hair. The hairdresser says I look better with chin length hair. My dad is like "short hair is more comfortable and you look great". Grandmas are all for it. Mom dislikes my short haircut. One of my best friends also expressed an opinion that I look better with long hair. He also says that if I want to get a boyfriend, long hair is better (I complained to him about it, and yes, he knows I'm a guy and treats me as such) Other friends didn't care either way. I'm afraid I just look worse and less attractive to guys with shorter hair. But I take a guess that the longer the hair, the more feminine impression it makes? Cis guys get mistaken for girls in long hair. Only few of them can pull it off, just because they have masculine features. I don't want to "be a lady". No way. If hair affects ladylike treatment? It's not a role I feel comfortable in. I can't decide.

 

But is it not like... I really will not find a boyfriend if I cut my hair short? I also am not a big fan... I'd look as masculine as Anne Hatheway in "Interstellar". Which is quite feminine, I think? I don't plan to take hormones at any point. I myself ... I don't care one way or another about my hair. My mom keeps on talking that I should grow my hair out too, because it looks better than medium. On the other hand, I want to make a masculine impression? But I don't know if the hair works in my case. If short hair wouldn't be more like "She's against global warming and consumerism" than "That's a dude!"

 

The way I identify is really secondary here... although where it results from constitutes a big problem with cis-het dating. the way I behave tends to set guys in competition mode, and I don't like it if they try to flirt with me and treat me girly... you know "she might be tough, but she's a woman on the inside". *sigh* Good one, my friend... Good one... For some reason, men don't mind the clothes? I guess I just have a good body. IIIIII don't know... IIIII don't get it all. At all.

I don't know if the attractive thing about the long hair is the hair or the idea that your dating a girl. Maybe?

The only thing I worry about it the hair. Because quite honestly, I've seen strange things happen. I just don't seem to be able to build a long-term relationship. But maybe that's normal or guys my age are immature and hopeless datng material?

I also worry about this "fraction of a second". Fraction of a second is already how long I pass. I look quite androgynous even with the long hair.

Perception is all I worry about now LOL. To me, it's completely nonsencical, this whole topic of how you look.

I'll tell you what happened last year. I met a guy. I was wearing men's clothes head to toe. I had long hair... but leaving it alone... this guy invited me out and we dated for a while. But he treated me like a girl! Like a feminine girl! With feminine needs, wants, thoughts, likes and whatnot. I have no idea why! I want to avoid that.

If hair was unimportant, I'd go for chin length, because it's my favourite hairstyle. I love it. It feels so sexy and vibrant. Hell yeah.

Anyway, I don't think *identifying* as a guy is the obstacle, the obstacle is me objectively being one. I wouldn't like to pressure someone who would want to date someone who has a psyche of a woman into dating me, that would obviously be unfair, and also unpleasant for me.

 

I'm sorry I'm a tired mess rigth now, I might be writing over and over again the same things.

 

But do you think shorter hair helps? Sigh. I hope.

Yep, medium might be good.
Yeah, actually... a bit of both, that might be good
I'll give it a try.
Hair grows back fast so experimenting with it can be a possibility.

I don't know if my long hair isn't driving me bonkers at the moment. It got me a bit paranoid in the winter, when I had it long last time, because I saw a significant shift in how people interacted with me. Maybe it's the time to cut it. Hm. I wonder if that's the issue...

 

I actually like hats, but you can't wear them all the time. I wear this short ponytail hairstyle a lot too So... it does look masc?

*sigh* I'm just trying to solve this complicated series of equations in which I can stop being seen as a girl... at least in some way... I probably have nearly zero feel for how to make it work. I just ask in case, because when I did what I thought made me look masculine, nobody shared that opinion.

 

Okay. So I asked my dad (mom is for long hair, whatever, i know her opinion) and he told me I don't look too different in one haircut versus another. So that's a relief.

I wouldn't say my passing is too bad (people thinking I'm MAAB), but I have trouble with making it clear that I don't feel like a girl / I'm not feminine. This friend also told me that he was surprised when I told him I feel like a dude, because I don't behave in those "typical ways", like moving in a distinctively masculine way, having short hair, talking about football and cars or whatnot. I hope you get what I mean? Like, I don't even know what to do.

 

He also said I seem like a punk, whatever he meant... I guess that's not too bad?

 

He specifically said I don't move in a rectangular way, which I won't. I dwelled on the body language part some two years ago, and I stopped caring at some point. I kind of naturally have masculine body language, but not in a caricatural manner. Confidence is an issue on its own, and jokes and subtlety and talking behind the back. And yes I am a nerd *facepalms* I mean not really. I would totally get a motorcycle if I could and go back to martial arts, I don't like to study or dwell in games... I'm just a more aloof type, so to say, and I had good grades. It is confirmed that I just look as if I didn't give a flying fuck about anything. Which is true in many ways. I don't give a fuck. I'm above all the drama. Also if I don't know what to do, I default to "Look, that's cool... but I don't give a fuck", because it makes you in control of the situation. I go on the unhealthy side of not giving a fuck sometimes.

 

Thanks for your post. Thanks everyone.

*sigh* It's a wierd sentiment but I wish there was something very gendered out there, so that I could do it and be like... yeah, I'm a dude... but nothing is gendered and every difference in clothing, for example, comes down to emphasising certain body characteristics. Take t-shirts for example. The only difference between men's and women's t-shirts is which body parts they emphasise and what shape they flatter. I'm not after having a different body. I feel fine in my body. I like the way I look and I like looking like a girl. I'm not the odd one out in that, because for example my dad also had long hair when he was my age, and liked dressing like a rocker. I guess I inherited that. I mean... I like the look, not that it reads as a girl. The latter is a nightmare. I mean I don't even look like a girl too much, you know... People don't know how to adress me frequently. I sometimes get a "sir", even. It's just this stupid obsession going on in society that I must feel like a girl because ladybits. Or... something.

 

Cambria, that's pretty awful... the pixie cuts. Maybe I should move out too. I will have a chance in the summer. My parents are maybe not against me wearing men's clothes but they just have to comment and say I look ugly or that they feel uneasy about me being a guy. Even though I know it's not true that I look ugly, it gets to me badly. And even though I know I have no influence whatsoever on my gender.

You're right. Anyone who matters wouldn't care about such things.