The BIG Married and Gay thread..

Thank you! I like to think that we have that to show, too.

 

8 years, engaged to be married and no kids. Therapy and quitting alcohol gave me enough clarity to understand why I was so unhappy and depressed. He is so understanding and made splitting up easier than expected. I will always keep him in my heart but I need to live authentically from here on out.

 

Omg, thank you for this. I am a female, but I can definitely relate to this. You so eloquently explained what its like for a repressed gay/lesbian to have sex with the opposite sex. To add to what you said, I personally thought that most women just tolerated sex and found most of their satisfaction in pleasing her man, just like me. I was never told that I was supposed to be aroused for intercourse.

 

13yrs, engaged, 3 adult kids from previous marriage. I have talked to him about it, that I am feeling less bi and incredibly lesbian, he nods his head, says he's sorry, wish that he could help me, that's it. I feel so selfish, that I love him, and do not want to walk away yet feel soo torn up inside that I feel like I'm drowning under this weight. I feel terrible and selfish, as I asked him if he considered me seeing a woman outside of our relationship was cheating, and he said yes, and I started to cry. I knew it was cheating, part of me was hoping beyond hope that he would say no. One of my children is lesbian, and I think that the fact that she is so happy with her partner and happy being out is making it that much harder for me, because I want that too. I dream about it, think about, think.... pretty much obsess about it. I feel lost, my whole life is this family, and they ALL know that I am bi, but would never support me leaving my fiancee.... and I dunno if I want to leave him completely, I am so confused. Been talking and crying to him for hours... he just went to bed and I've been sitting up looking for a place to talk this out... thankful this site is here.

 

Thelyingleo-

You have to be true to yourself. If you feel that you are more lesbian than bi, then going into a marriage with someone wouldn't be right. It's not going to 'change' who you are...and things will get even more complicated. If you have a daughter that is also lesbian and partnered, you owe it to yourself to have a long talk with her. It sounds as though your fiancé accepts that you are bi, maybe even a lesbian, but that he doesn't really want to talk about it.

You say that you feel selfish for telling him that you want to be with a woman or that your true inclination is to be with another woman. You go on to say that your whole life is the family and that they ALL know that you are bi but wouldn't support you leaving your fiancé. Is that not selfishness in and of itself? Wanting you to do something that fits their needs and not yours?

Look at the big picture and find out if leaving now would be better than 1 year, 2 years, 15 years or more into this marriage. What kind of anger and resentment are going to surface then? Will you be able to TRULY tamp down your desires and wants and be a 'heterosexual wife'?

Search yourself before you make any rash decisions. Talk to your daughter. Read all that you can...here and books. And be true to yourself...that's the most important thing (whomever your true self may be). (*hug*)

 

Hello,

I am new to EC, and have appreciated the sharing on this site and in this thread.
I am married and have one child.
In recent years, I have come to the awareness that I am gay, and have begun to accept it. I gathered up the courage and told my wife earlier this month. The experience has been painful beyond anything I could have imagined, but also filled with relief, new understanding, and much tenderness. We are having conversations that have been avoided for years, including our difficulties in making love.
I was a virgin when we married (I was 31 at the time) and when we I had difficulty making love on our honeymoon, I thought it was because I was inexperienced. or nervous. or didn't know the mechanics of how this is supposed to work. As the years went by, our times together became fewer and farther between, and I found it more difficult. I wanted so desperately to be able to make love to her. She is my dearest friend, and companion, and in every other way, our life together has been life-giving, and fulfilling. In addition to being withdrawn in our intimate relations, I fell into a pattern of living with depression more and more. It took me a while to realize that the times of depression were connected to my body, that the desire for physical intimacy, and having no way to share it fully, triggered emotional withdrawal, from my wife, and from myself. It became hard to even experience feelings. I see that others here had difficulty in crying. There were times I wished I could cry, and couldn't do it.

As hard as this last month has been, it feels so good not to hold everything in. I held on to so much. And all this time, my wife felt powerless to help me. It hurt her to see me so withdrawn. As painful as this is for her, she has been unbelievably supportive, and patient, as I begin to find out what I really need. She is glad to see me smiling (on some days) and to be able to share my thoughts and feelings in a way that I have never been able to do before. I am seeing a therapist, and beginning to talk to trusted friends. Which is all very helpful. I cannot do this alone!

As for the tears, I have cried more than I thought was possible. There are good days when I feel lighter than air, and other days when the tears come pouring out. I have lost 20 lbs this month (after years of not being able to lose more than 2 or 3) and I think half of that was water from the tears.

I am taking this one day at a time. And also looking at some really painful experiences in life, with the help of my therapist. I do not know where this path will lead. Whatever it is, I want to do it in a way that shows love, support and respect for my wife, and love and respect for myself. I have never fully given myself these gifts.

I have a million questions, because in many ways, this is all new to me. But for now I am happy to join in the discussion.

Earnest

 

Hi,

Great site and this a great thread. It's so good to know that there really are others in a similar situation as myself. I am not at all out to anybody and have no intention of leaving my wife. I knew when we met that we were meant for each other and we have been happily married for 20 years and have a great son.

Life has been good to us on the whole and I should be a very happy man. However, I have always known that there was another side of me and when I married, it was a conscious decision. I knew I wanted a 'traditional' life with a wife, family, etc and that I would also be unhappy had I gone down the other road.

Anyway, I have a story to tell, but not sure if this is the right place so maybe I should start a new topic for it.

Looking forward to reading more from others like me.

 

Hey Folks,

I happened upon this site a few days ago. I've read a lot of posts and it's comforting to know how many regular people are out there dealing with the same issues every day. I'm 55 (a young 55!), married 27 years, son in college. I used to try to convince myself that I was bi, but for myself, I just don't think I'm really wired that way. When I wanted to get married, I thought the whole issue would go away like a bad cold--it didn't. I'm active in the community, church, and social organizations. I generally speak my mind--except for my own very personal issue.

I think I ask myself every day, "Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence?" And then in the same thought I think to myself, "There's no going back!" which is scary. Someone above mentioned a support group for the married--I think I'll track one down.

Just a regular guy trying to figger it all out...

Take care, all. I'll chime in again soon!

 

Been married twice, aged 20 up to 27 then 29 up to now, I am now 41. I had this thought the other day and it was "Ok family, (not including children) I have given you half of my life I am now taking the other half for myself" That made me smile.

 

Hi, married with 4 kids. Thought it would all go away with marrige, but nope..
Always thought, in my next life, but hang on, we only get one life...
Made an epic fail of coming out recently, and have had to retract again, all our friends know and everything.. We were splitting up, and I could not handle it, so have retracted it! Even after having sitdown with friends and relations and explaining.that I am gay and have always been.. Hmm so epic fail. But has prepped the ground. Not sure where to go from here, wife is best friend, have cotton over issues with her, and I have passed a point now, so I can actually have sex with her, but something is missing... Don't want to do this again. A little lost...
Still, on the up side, we talk all the time a out it, I love her, but want men and a bf, cant have it all, but will try to, hope to be a Bi now Gay later, thing, and hope to have group sex somehow...
A bit lost and depression is just a thought away.
Wish I could do it, but I cant at the moment. One life, not a lot of time... Aarg! Lol.

Onward anyhow, relationship is better than ever as were talking about everything, but I just want men.
Hmm.. Funny (some.may say) queer times! Lol good luck all

 

Wow great thread, I thought I had already responded but looking back I’ve not, so better late than never .. oh that’s just like my coming out!

Hi I am 54 YO guy married for 26 years, no kids, had no idea I was gay until mid to late 40s midlife crisis, and came out to supportive wife last year just before 25th wedding anniversary. We have decided to stay together and she says she is happy for me to have a boyfriend as long as it’s not a LTR. So far I have not made a move in that department since I decided to give her time to come to terms with the situation.

She has said a few funny things in the last year including.

• Telling me off for NOT going in a gay bar whilst waiting for her after a business meeting next to Manchester’s gay village.
• In a crowded restaurant and within earshot of other people she said “I know you will just be meeting men for sex, but you should find a good looking one”
• Repeatedly asking me whilst watching TV which actor or musician I fancy.

My wife is however uncomfortable with me listening to gay themed music videos, but is ok with TV dramas which contain gay sub plots and show gay sex.

I don’t know how she will react once I actively start looking for a BF, she has said she would prefer me looking for another married guy in a similar situation but all the local married guys to me are in the closet to their wife making it very difficult for finding somewhere for fun. She does know I chat to guys on the internet, I get the impression we are in a "Don't ask don't tell" situation which is probably not very healthy.

When younger I had no idea I was gay but looking back now most of my closest friends turned out to be gay and there were times when they made suggestion at experimentation but I firmly changed the conversation. I now realise this was my internal homophobia kicking in. The most obvious sign to my wife and I was the fact that we met when I used to be heavily involved in musical theatre .. what a give away

Sale Gay Guy

 

I'm 28 married to a man for almost 8 years. I came out to him almost a year ago now. I've been really trying to figure things out and make things work with him because I do care for him but it's just not working. I'm definitely a lesbian. He's said he's ok with me dating several times over the last year but every time I try to or go on a date he gets all moody etc etc. I understand the jealousy. But he's the one that keeps telling me it's fine. Anyways I'm completely out to all my friends and family but I think they are just as confused as I am. I keep trying to split with him but we can't afford for either of us to have our own place so we always end up getting back together. He's my best friend and I love him dearly but I just want to be done! However, when I start thinking about telling him then I start to second guess myself. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. We also have 4 kids. The oldest is the only one who knows I'm gay.

 

I’m Bi, Married over 30 years, 3 grown kids

 

Hi Bi Jimmy,

I too have just recently joined the group, I am further south than you in Florida I see.

I hope you find this community to be as supportive as I have in the last few weeks. I have been married 24 years. I have just come out to myself in the last month. I'm know I had interests in men since my mid 20's, but I have never been able to name it as being Gay until the last month.

I am now on a painful journey to deal with the years of self abuse as I have let parts of me tell me what a worthless piece of shit I am for longing to be with a man. I am 99.9% certain I am gay, not bi. Although I do love my wife.

I take it that your sex life must still be good with your wife. Is that true?

Looking forward to learning more about who you are and what you are needing.

Josh

 

Married 5 years, two kids, terrified of coming out and who I am