The BIG Married and Gay thread..

So in essence you didn't feel closer to your spouse after having sex? It was just a physical act I guess?

 

Shall we say...."Close, but no cigar"? We were as close as we assumed we were capable of being. But as time went on, we realized that we WERE capable of being closer to someone, but of a different gender than the one we were married to. I know it's tough to understand if you haven't lived it.

Here's a simple and probably really lame analogy. (I hope you're not a vegetarian or this analogy will fall flat on its face!) Imagine you keep imagining how great lobster is. And then you get served filet mignon, but you THINK it's lobster. There's nothing wrong with the filet mignon at all, and you manage to enjoy it at first without any great problem. But after awhile you realize that it really isn't lobster at all, and you just start to lose your interest, because what you really wanted all along was lobster, and now you know, this ain't it.

Yeah, lame, I know! How would anyone not know the difference? But that's a little of the thought process, or at least as much as I can really explain to someone who hasn't lived it.

Crap, and all I have for lunch is a salad. :tears:

 

For me, the physical aspect was just that, a physiological function, in and of itself it neither made me feel closer to my wife, nor did I feel repulsed as I've heard some describe it elsewhere. As I mentioned in my blog, the first time we were intimate, I was deeply troubled by it because I knew that wasn't who I really am, but couldn't bring myself to face reality. So, I forged ahead and did was was supposed to be normal; we dated, got married, had kids, stopped having intimacy.

Emotionally, though, I did feel closer to my wife during those years because I was digging deep in myself to give her what she needed me to give. On some level, it felt good to be able to do that for her and with her. Of course there was the guilt when the mental images took over.

-Rich

---------- Post added 13th Feb 2014 at 12:42 PM ----------

As I mentioned to someone else earlier today in a different discussion:

There's an entirely different kind of connection at a fundamental level when two men are intimately giving themselves to each other; it is in no way the same kind of experience as when a man and woman give themselves intimately to each other. I've been in both pastures, and the grass really is greener on the other side.

 

Choirboy, I am lucky I am not a vegetarian so I think I kind of get it, lol. It's like your relationship could be much more than what it is - that there was something much better out there.

GayDadSt8Marig, that must have been very exhausting for you I guess - all that energy. Just reading that made me feel exhausted, lol.

 

It's been a hard lesson to learn, and wish I didn't have to learn it the way I did. But after spending 20 years with the wrong person, I know that I'd rather wait 20 years for the right one than ever settle for someone who isn't.

 

Times were different 20 years ago. You were strong to pull through that.

 

Not so different in some places, sadly. That's why we're all here for each other--strength in numbers. And a lot of love too. Thanks for all the questions!

 

Think of the intellectual, emotional and physical (biological) feedback loop love represents.

Love is fueled by all three. Each component fuels the next reinforcing and making the passion stronger. When you are gay in a hetero role the physical isn't firing. The system rolls along like an engine not firing on all cylinders. It runs rough, it wastes energy and if not repaired leads to early engine failure.

Every person here can tell you what that failure means and in hindsight how that missing component lead to failure.

Pretty simple.

Tom

 

So I'm sitting here with my pork chop lunch, reading this and saying "heh, that's not such a bad analogy...except that lobster and filet are *both* pretty damned good".

*BOLT OF LIGHTNING*

Maybe I'm finally starting to understand this whole homosexuality thing...or maybe it was an even better analogy than you realized Choirboy! :roflmao:

 

Initially I could do the sex, then it became a chore (unwanted gym membership), then it quit altogether.

 

Skiff, so it was like one vital aspect was missing and without it this lead to disintegration of the entire thing I guess.

 

Yup, part of the positive biofeedback loop was missing and over time it became a negative biofeedback loop.

 

So, at first, I thought your post was a bit odd. I wanted to ask you, "How could you not know this?"

But then I realized that you probably haven't read a lot of stuff here on Later in Life from LGBT folks living hetero-normative lives.

And I'm also glad I didn't respond for a while, because others have explained it so well.

For example, from Choirboy:

And from skiff:

And from Yossarian:

I couldn't have said it better than these guys. They're all spot-on.

 

I believe that he honestly loves me and wants to me to explore. He experienced two woman when he was yo younger and said he liked it. He would enjoy the experience for sure. I also imagine there is a lot of fear a well.

It feels really good to have so much support here. I haven't been very honest with myself as to how scared I am.We have a good marriage and so my family would be not understand about why we split up. I am not out to them at all and my family lacks healthy boundaries. Not to mention are old fashioned they are.

Thanks for everyone's support!:icon_bigg

 

That does make sense.

---------- Post added 13th Feb 2014 at 03:08 PM ----------

This is all a huge eye opener for me actually, lol!!

 

this forum has definitely been an eye opener for me as well... before I found EC, I really couldn't believe there were more than a handful of gay guys that would be in a straight marriage, much less marriages with children. Now, I'm just frustrated that we find so few resources available to help guys in our situation. And I'm really disappointed the mainstream LGBT support seems to bend over backwards to help the younger ages, which is commendable, but it seems this is at the expense of any meaningful support for people beyond their teens & college years, some of us who adapted to hetero-normative society by getting married.

Honestly, I've never been any kind if activist, much less a social activist. But some of the stuff I've read today makes me want to throw the doors open and start lining up resources for all gays. I don't even know where to start, its taken months to find the kind of support I have found here. There has to be a way to multiply this in local communities.

 

Hi,

We are a demographic within a demographic and a hidden demographic that defies being found.

We only represent a tiny fraction of hetero married gays. Most are still out there orbiting, alone in silent suffering.

Trust that.

Tom

 

I grew up in small town, a VERY small town. Everyone was straight and those who weren't pretended to be. To be honest it never occurred to me not to get married. Women found men to care for them and had babies. It was all I knew. Its taken lots of councelling and a couple serious bouts of depression to get to this point. To say I was repressed is an understatement. Starting to have a voice, though, and I like how it feels.

I wish I had taken some time to experiment while younger. At the same time I don't regret my marriage. I have two beautiful children and years of good memories. So confused!

 

It's pretty easy to respond when prompted. Herero sex is the only sex I know, outside of my fantasy life, so you could say I'm conditioned to it, biologically programmed, whatever. Actual straight sex is less intense for me than fantasy gay sex, though, and I've come to prefer the latter.

Having said that, I get an anticlimactic feeling after both. No warm and fuzzy feelings at all. Those exist for me when separated from physical intimacy, though. Maybe I have generalized intimacy issues that aren't orientation-driven? Hard to say.

 

I'd say for close to 16 years of my marriage sex was fine...It then got more difficult to perform...Perform is probably the most apt word I can find...At some point my pleasure became secondary...Fantasy entered our bedroom and it became work...Eventually fantasy didn't work either, and I began to feel like an old neutered dog...Nothing is more frustrating than wanting it all to work...I not talking about ED, little blue pills work miracles, but it's frustrating knowing you want something else...Lying back and thinking of England just no longer worked:badgrin:...And if you've got yourself in such a state of denial or delusion where do you turn, because as soon as you open that closet door a crack (for me anyway) and say the "G "word everything will begin to crumble...Slowly at first until it builds to a landslide...The Sunday I happened to me, I was a train wreck...I told the vicar, and years of suppression, denial, anger, hurt rolled out...The genie's out of the bottle...There's only forward movement at that point...My wife is still my greatest love...She has given me 3 beautiful children...She has in so many ways made me a better person...So how could I want to keep her trapped in a disfunctional relationship?...I may have turn the world upside down for everyone, but it's for everyone's greater good...No delusions, my good as well...No saint I...The boil has been lanced and the poison drained...It's painful and still not pretty to look at, but we'll heal...as difficult as that may be...OOOH...Way past my bed time...:sleep: