struggling to understand what coming out ti yourself means

I have actually liked and accepted myself more since coming to the realization I wasn't gay. I realized why I have always felt so different from other girls.

 

I don't think it should matter what job you do. All jobs are equally important so don't put yourself down.
I can totally understand why you feel trapped and how that would set your anxiety off. I definitely think speaking to a therapist would be a good start and potentially maybe citizens advice might be able to give you some informations on what your options might be as to your living arrangements if you did want to leave. I may have read this wrong but from your posts it sounds to me a bit like you aren't in love with your boyfriend but you feel a bit trapped in the situation and feel as thought you can't leave.

 

I've made a doctors appointment late this month see about seeing a therapist maybe change/ increase my medication. I care about my boyfriend and do love him but his views are so negative. He's never hurt a gay/trans but thinks its 'wrong' and trying to open up a conversation about stuff seems pointless sometimes im sure he never expressed these views a few years ago. Yes i feel trapped now i think thats fair. She says she can tell when i get confused or upset i push her away and i sometimes recognise me doing it. Shes the only person ive has same sex feelings for and i think if she said shes done with me id be devastated but wouldbt chamge my situation.the fear of change of that great at the moment. X

 

If someone could offer you a solution to get out of your current situation would you take it?

 

A solution that would mean the pets we share could come with me and i had somewhere safe to live, possibly. I cant begin to describe this difficultly i dealing with change is. We moved every couple of years when i was a kid until i moved out due to my dads alcholism. Change was such a negative i think its scarred me ☹ even thinking about it makes me anxious. X

 

I completely underdstand your anxiety. I moved around a lot too, and I realize how scary striking out on your own must seem. The best thing to do to deal with the fear is just push through and focus on the future, a future where you can feel secure being yourself and being happy. It seems impossible to contemplate now, but I guarantee one day you will look back on this and thank yourself for having done it.

 

For me, coming out to myself means standing up and facing the direction in which I'll take my next step.

 

I wish i felt that brave, i have been feeling very hopeless about the situation. Im also waiting on an operation at the moment. Without boring you to death with the details i cant breath and get tired. I feel like that is making me feel that this other issue will never get solved as im already physically broken im not sure i could handle being mentally more broken x

 

Are little tiny steps better than no steps ?

 

Yes! Yes! YES!!! Even looking in the right direction is better than nothing, because the collection of lots of little steps, or continuing to look in the right direction adds up to something good.