struggling to understand what coming out ti yourself means

Anyone can develop feelings they didn't know they had the propensity to have at any age. I have no other explanation other than that life is funny. I definitely think you can love two people at once but is that something you would be happy with and they be happy with? Relationships can be successful with more than two people but you all have to want it. It sounds that might not work in your situation unless you can change your boyfriend's feeling about gay people. Honestly, though people can change, and even people who may have been very homophobic once they realize someone they are close to is gay their attitude changes. I'm sure if your boyfriend loves you and knew you were experiencing these feelings he would not say things that make you upset. He may just be ignorant. Either way, whether you decided to remain with him or not I think you should address this with him. Because even if you're with him you should not have to be ashamed of your feelings and hide them or have hurtful comments directed, (unintentionally) at you.

 

This is so important. What do YOU want. For a minute forget about everyone else and just focus on this.

 

What would you like to happen? Honestly im scared and i want to stop having these conflicting feelings. Shame of having these new feelings. I do not deal with chamge well and worry what tue outcome may be x

 

Thank you love4ever i really do appreciate your advice, i dont want a three way realationship personally thats just not for me.i also think thats not the beliefs of my boyfriend . The girl i have feelings for is very patient and understand and listens to me . I sometimes feel i dont deserve such kindness when im not with her im with my boyfriend. X

 

Well it's good you know what you want. The question now I think just remains as to whether you want to stay with your boyfriend or not. Basically, ask yourself, if we lived in an ideal world where you could date either sex and be accepted, and no one would think of you any differently would you stay with your boyfriend or leave him for this woman? It's important to be honest with yourself.

 

Accepting the fact that you aren't straight and that you can't change that.

 

I underst

one of the things that i get very anxious about is change and my fear of it. I dont know if id cope with moving house and all that stuff x

 

Ok well, unfortunately nobody can make the feelings go away. Pushing the feelings away is only going to make the situation worse. I totally get your apprehension with change but I am sure you could manage if you just take it one step at a time. Would you consider talking to a therapist? You totally deserve the kindness and patience of the girl you like, you havent done anything wrong you are just trying to find your way in life.

 

She came over tonight and we spoke i seem to be getting very emotional when i speak to her and although i am sensitive about somethings in genral i can keep my composure. I actually said not long ago i think i might go back to seeing a therapist. I had one for many many years only stopped about 5 years ago. I do feel like i try to push her away tell her shes to smart should be with people with degrees and book smart. Ive got a very simple job. I tell her i dont want her wasting her time when im so emotional and confused. She said if there is a chance shes not wasting her time. X

 

Also thank you silver halo for keeping on speaking to me about this situation. I feel lile im going a bit nuts keeping it inside x

 

Its ok you are more than welcome. I remember being in a situation not that dissimilar to yours, I didn't have a boyfriend, but I remember being confused, scared, embarrassed and so alone. Its not easy to work through that.
I don't think you should push her away because you think she is too good for you, you shouldn't put yourself down like that, it is not all about what kind of job you have or how much money you make, its about who you are as a person. Also let her worry about what she does or doesn't want and you concentrate on yourself. I have a data entry job and my girlfriend is a doctor, so I totally get where your thoughts are coming from but I don't think you should worry about it.

Going back to your therapist sounds like a good idea. If you wanted to move out of the place where you live with your boyfriend (not that im saying you should), do you have anywhere else you could go?

 

Well strange you mention about profession shes at medical school to become a dr and my job is difficult to explain but lets say its like a cleaners. I really enjoy my job and think i do it well. Shes very supportive says she doesnt care what i do as long as i like it. If i did decide to move out i have nowhere to go i live in his house. I dont have family to help. I suffer with anxiety and depression. Thats flaring up, i feel a bit trapped i have no money saved at the moment even if that is what i wanted and ive spent alot of time feeling emotional about what to do x

 

I didn't realize I was gay until I was 30. It was really more of the fact that I realized I never wanted to be in a relationship with a man again. After I did some serious soul searching and came to the conclusion that I like women, my feelings for women have grown exponentially. I realized that some of the thoughts I had about women were actually of attraction and not admiration.

 

Ive never spoke to anyone who didn't realise they were gay until later on in life. Im really struggling at the moment. How Did your family react if you dont mind me asking also were colleauges and friends surprised? Xx

 

Haven't told the family or coworkers yet. I've told 3 friends and none were shocked. My best friend said that everyone who knows me already thought I was gay. So it apparently was not a surprise. It doesn't matter what age you realize it. Everyone has different life experiences. Good luck on your journey!

 

Coming out to yourself basically means accepting who you are and coming in terms with it. It's a process and goes hand in hand with learning to love and accept yourself.

 

What if you didnt really love or accept yourself before? X

 

Its just the same. Start the process, its never too late to learn to love and accept yourself

 

Its just so hard i sometimes dont know where to start x

 

AI don't know if it helps any, but I daydream a lot. One of the biggest keys for "nornalization" for me has just been to drift off and give in to my attractions.
I've spent so long censoring any thoughts I felt were even remotely gay. Couple that with severe depersonalization and I'm just sooooooooo out of touch with myself.
However, as I've given in to my thoughts I've realized that a girl has never given me the kind of feels that a hot guy with a beard couldn't trump easily.
And as I've given in to those thoughts I've realized THIS is how sexual attraction is SUPPOSED to be.
This feeling where you would sell your soul (almost) just for one chance to glide your fingers down his glistening abs..........that all you wanna feel is his penis pressed against the small of your back.........and well oh my God I have gotten way off subject but.....