Struggling to see way ahead after coming out to wife

Keep strong tscott. It's like weathering the snow storm - there is an end goal you need to get to, but it's like fighting through a frozen Hell to get there. I hope that your reasonable approach to everything lets her see that you really have their best interests at heart after the decision has been made. It's one of these things that, despite having no regrets about being honest with myself and seeing that there is a life ahead of me as a gay man, there is a fear of losing the stable things around me and the fear of being lonely or having given up a happy life (albeit feeling inner guilt about my sexuality) that I can't go back to if what I go to turns out terrible!

Despite all the fear, I'm not putting the brakes on moving out. It all just seems to be passing me by and drifting towards the date I go. Not sure if that is me just sticking my head in the sand and not facing things, or subconsciously me not fighting what I feel inside.

I hope that you can get some clear picture in your head about what you want your life to look like and then fight/encourage/persuade your wife that it is achievable for the kids/you all.

---------- Post added 16th Jan 2014 at 09:36 PM ----------

Link, I often see myself just now with my wife and we are laughing about things in a way we might've done when we first met. It hasn't changed the fact that I am still absolutely attracted to men, and seeing a hot guy pass me by in the street still has an effect!, but I struggle to see how I could make my life content with my wife (although we still enjoy each others company and can find humour in things just now as well-it's nice to be able to laugh after everything that we've been through these last few months).

I struggle because I come back to the fact that I have no desire. I look at her and I do feel warmth and affection for her. She still makes me laugh and I do still have a connection with her. But. I don't want to sleep with her or kiss her. I appreciate her physical appearance and I feel protective of her, but I can't seem to find the flame of desire or manly urgency. Then I think about the guy I have met and I know when I see him I will feel the exact opposite. He will have lit a fire inside me that I will want to act on as soon as I see him.

I suppose the decision has to be: do I love my wife enough to be able to shut away these feelings for men, and be happy with a 'contented life' in the future. Will I feel regret or resentment in years to come once my kids leave home and I find myself on the wrong side of 55. Will I feel regret that I didn't follow what was in my heart and what I've known about my sexuality for the last 25+ years, yet was always too afraid to do anything about?

I will miss a lot about my current life when I move out. My house, my routines, seeing my kids every morning when they get up, having spare cash!, spending time with my kids doing nothing very much, and I will miss seeing my wife too. But. If I stay, I'm staying for all of these things and because I am fond of my wife and have a great deal of affection for her. That doesn't feel like enough now that I know how I feel about guys and the feelings I get from him (them). I'd feel like I was lying to myself and denying myself, being dishonest with myself, and yes, sacrificing myself. I've spent 25+years doing that and I am at a point in my life, at a fork in the road, where I go one way and commit myself to never being with a man again and repressing the feelings I have forever; or build a new life as a gay man in an open life, but keep close to my kids and wife and create a new 'family'.

Sorry, I started typing and it's difficult to stop once it starts to flow. I feel so privileged to have a wife who is being so supportive to me on this journey. It somehow makes me feel even more guilty that I should be happy and content to stay within someone like that, and not throw it all away on the hope of something totally 'new' and intangible.

 

So some more advice sought guys (and girls!).

The guy in my life is going through a break up with his bf in the last day or so. Ive not seen him for a over a week as he's been out of town, but I've spoken to him and received messages. I'm not sure who instigated it - I suspect his bf who is considerably younger and has been making more and more demands of him to come out.

He has said to me that he can't really talk to me about the breakup as I'm too close (and clearly involved emotionally) and involved with him, but he tells me that he is in a difficult place emotionally.

How do I approach and deal with this? He's already told me how he feels about me - although you would think I'd be happy that he's breaking up, I feel sad for him and just want to be there for him to comfort him and make sure he's okay.

I've sent him a couple of messages acknowledging what he's said, and just telling him that I'm here and that he knows where I am if he just wants to hang out - not necessarily talk about the break up.

I want to give him space to deal with this, but at the same time I don't want him to think I'm keeping my distance and not being there if he needs me?

Suggestions on whether I need to do more other than the odd message from here on in over the next week or so just to remind him I'm still here and that he can still talk to me about other stuff?

 

Thanks Link. I spoke to him today on the phone, so he seems certain in his mind that it's the right thing to do to break up. He is a fairly decisive kind of guy and doesn't carry people, so I think once his minds made up that's it. I've not raised the subject of him and me. I'm not in my own place yet until the end of next month and part of me doesn't want to crowd him too much as we'll both be getting used to being 'single' again. I know what you mean though. I'm now 'available' and so is he - he knows how I feel about him, but if he decides that he wants to be free and single, and not get overly involved with me, I guess I have to accept that and decide whether I can stay as his friend or whether my feelings towards him mean that I can't really be near him without hurting.

---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2014 at 08:17 PM ----------

Thanks guys. We spoke today - he wants to see me soon, but he has things to sort out with his bf and I respect his need for some space to do that. I don't want to crowd him, but I also don't want to just disappear into the background and let him feel that I've forgotten about him or am not there to support him or show him I care.

I don't get the keys until towards the end of next month and will stagger my move in rather than just disappear from the house one day. Hope to move in properly by the end of February and will keep you all updated on how good/terrible it is...

---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2014 at 08:20 PM ----------

Part of me is really excited about the move. I'm finally going to be in charge of myself, relying on myself and having the freedom to be me. If that means taking a guy back to the flat then the thought of being able to do that and express myself feels incredible, even just now. The reality of it though is that I am still going to be at the family home a lot, just to support my wife and make sure my kids don't think I've completely abandoned them so for the next while the flat is a base to sleep and have some time in with friends/special people. I'll let you all know how it goes though...

 

So things are really up and down just now at home. My wife is starting to accept that there is 'no way back' and is actively helping me to get things together that I might need for the flat. But then, she slips into an angry mood, and all Hell breaks loose. It's at times like that she questions whether we can remain friends. It passes and she sees that we all have a lot to gain from staying close as a family, especially the kids.

The guy I have met has split from his bf. I want to stay close to him, but I get the feeling that he is keen to have me stand on my own feet before getting too involved with me. Almost 'testing' to see if I'm going to end up being the same as his previous bf (which I wouldn't). That's fine as he's moving on from one 'dependent' partner and probably doesn't want to end up with me moving into a flat and suddenly not being able to manage myself or relying on him for too many things. I'm absolutely cool with the whole living on my own thing, so I'm happy to prove it to him. I just need to chill out about him - if it works out, it works out. If not, there are loads of guys out there and to be honest I think if things didn't work out between us I'd be in no rush to get out there and grab a guy. I think the fact that we have a connection and I have such strong feelings for him are a good start, but I'm aware that it could all just evaporate in six months.

I'm starting to get really excited about this change. I'm visualising myself living there and planning in my head how I want things to look. Is that being a bit short-sighted, or naive, in that there will be tough times to get through too and I'm maybe not dwelling on them as much as I should? I'm just trying to be positive about this next phase of my life.

 

I feel physically sick. The guy I know has split from his bf. He tells me that he still loves him and misses him. Not much I can say to it. Despite him texting me before telling me he misses me, that he has nothing in common with the other guy, that he says he has feelings for me he still won't open up to me. We argued last night and I tried to say we can take things slowly. He comes back to me saying that it's too soon and that he still has feelings for his ex.

I feel my life is a total mess. In amongst my tears last night the one person who comforted me was my wife. The person I've betrayed by letting loose this mess in her life. She hugged me and held me and I just cried. She didn't know why and I suppose it's a realisation that I've been so stupid.

I am feeling myself sinking. The thought of leaving the house soon is terrifying and a massive part of me just wants to stay and make it work with her.

He wants to see me later this week to talk. It'll be to tell me we can be friends. Part of me doesn't want to see him again.

Not sure whether I can go through with moving out and starting a new life feeling like this.

 

Thanks guys. Have a clearer head now. Still feel moving out and getting my own space and being me is the right thing to do. I can't lock the new me away. I am committed to creating a safe life for my kids. I'm seeing there will be more days like this but hope they pass quickly.

 

Guys. Think I will close on this thread now. I am no longer struggling after coming out to my wife. More just trying to adjust to my new life and the journey I'm now on.

I'll continue to post regularly. EC has been an amazing place to be and to hear your good advice. Thanks for your support these last three months or so.

Onward to the next chapter

 

So it's probably apt that I come back to this original thread. Four months on, living on my own, limited contact with him to the point that it hardly seems worth sending the text, and a relationship with my wife that seems to be getting closer each time we see each other.

I've had some days in the last month that have been the blackest I've ever had in my life. I've spent a day just not thinking any further ahead than 10 seconds, not being able to think about the future and when I do just seeing nothing. Nothing at all.

I have so much feeling inside me towards him - he has a new 'friend' which doesn't come as a surprise to me. About 10 years younger than me - again, no surprise - but clearly providing him with the transient, fleeting, "fun" high that he has craved and that although he got from me, there was an obvious deepening of the relationship taking effect that I think he was absolutely terrified of accepting. Accepting it would mean not being able to 'play the field for fun' - he knew what how I felt about it so it would have been a deal breaker for me.

So here I am - the person who told me not to worry, that he'd be there for me, that everything would be okay (and I believed...), isn't there.

But my wife is. Throughout all of these black days she's been there to comfort me, care about the fact I'm upset and confused about my life. She doesn't know about him.

I find myself looking at my life just now and the life I had. I love her. I am still attracted to men. But the warm feeling of love and safety I get when I'm with her and the kids just makes me want to reach our to her. We've already talked about what it could look like if I went back. There's a part of me that has had my confidence and faith in guys completely shattered. There's a part that is so distrustful now of what someone might tell me in the future, no matter how much I felt I knew them or trusted them, I feel so wary and faithless.

Do I settle for the love of my wife and knowing that I can love her as a person; but know that the feelings I have for guys that turn me on need to be stored away forever.

I'm so confused. My therapist tells me not to make any major decisions about this. I get the feeling he's telling me not to jump back into a relationship with my wife. He's listened to me telling him about how I feel these last few months, so he's probably in a better position to know than me whose head's practically up my own backside.