Struggling to see way ahead after coming out to wife

So another update. It's hard. It's really hard. My wife is being so reasonable. So small and fragile. I end up feeling protective. Like I just want to protect her and make everything okay again. But do I feel sexually attracted to her? I feel when we're together it's comfortable, soft, gentle, and we can have a laugh. Do I feel like I'm in love with her; that I could get back into bed and go back to what we had before? I struggle with that as a reality. I so much want to be her friend and keep that protected. Then I have my kids. I love them with every part of me. I would happily die to protect them. And I would do anything to avoid hurting them. So where does that leave me?

And then I think about him. His smile. His eyes. His smell. The way he lies back on me with his head on my chest and my arm round his neck and chest. The feeling of total relaxation and comfort I have with this man when we chill out. His sense of humour. The feeling I get wanting to take care of him, to protect him too.

And then I stop. Then the cold reality of everything hits me. I am cheating on my wife for the first time in my life. There is an unstoppable force inside me pushing me onwards. I look at my wife and think - we did have fun, we did have a happy life, and then I think again and think, yeah but we had sex once a month at most, I ended up feeling irritated by stupid things in life, I see a cute guy at the swimming pool and I'd end up taking my kids around the pool so I can check him, his chest, his face, his package in his shorts out; I ended up watching gay porn to get my fill of satisfying myself and then, I meet someone who I click with and it hits me like a train.

This is killing me. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and this would resolve itself. I feel I can't be 'overly nice' to my wife as it gives her some hope that I am somehow still able to love her the way she wants and she loves me. I tell myself that I could, couldn't I? That I could work on getting the sexual feeling back, rather than the comfortable, warm feeling of protectiveness (tinged with massive guilt) that I have. The sort of feeling you get with a long term, close friend? I enjoy watching a movie with her. We sit on separate sofas though, and have done for months (years?). I can't remember the last time we sat and snuggled up together.

I've been sleeping in the spare room for the last two months and more. I've not once felt the urge to go through and sleep with her. I feel guilt, yes. I feel cold in my bed. Once or twice I've felt so guilty and sad that I have almost - almost - gone back into the bed to somehow make things okay. But I've always stopped myself.

Round and round and round and round I go. I am terrified of staying - that somehow I will shut off an avenue of the rest of my life, that I will never be able to be me, that I will never be able to express the real me, the me that is causing me so much turmoil. I am terrified of going - that somehow I will have given up a part of me that did actually make me happy most of the time, but could never satisfy a desire and inner need I've held since being a young teenager and seeing a guy in my class get changed for football and being instantly smitten both by his body and massive c**k! I dreamed about him - and other guys at school - for years, and knew I would never really be able to do anything about it. By leaving, I am scared that I give up everything and might end up alone, lonely and without someone special in my life. Do I stay in a marriage that is not fulfilling me and run the risk that I end up being eaten up by the feeling of frustration and lack of fulfilment.

 

Thanks HopeFloats. She does deserve more; she doesn't think she'd ever find anyone else and remain a celibate divorced, single mother for ever... I do accept that neither of us can truly give the other what we need.

I met him today - the first time since the weekend. He is hot; he makes me smile, he makes me laugh. I truly want to be with him. He thinks I've just fallen head over heels for him. Am I in love? God, I think so. But it's the first time I've ever fully felt like this about any one.

I plan to move on in the new year, but stay close by and supportive to her and my kids. It'll be hard financially, but I need to move on. I need to let her see she can survive on her own as she is scared about the future without me here. She still loves me and I feel guilt that I can't feel the same desire and strength of love that she feels for me. But, I can still be there for her and can support her.

I hope that everyone has a Happy Christmas and hope that, wherever you are, you can find a strength and hope for the future. I'm trying to look at 2014 and see it as a renewal, a new me, being true to myself and my family despite the pain it has caused and will cause. I need to be strong. I need to be there and true to myself.

God bless you all.

 

Thanks everyone. Things were just a bit odd and a bit reflective. Soleil, we are trying to work on keeping everything steady for the kids. Looking to move out after the new year and begin to develop and work on my own identity and how the new life will fit round the old one.

 

@HardToSay - what is it you're confused about? We're all confused in some way or another; it would be good to be able to help you.

---------- Post added 30th Dec 2013 at 10:13 AM ----------

So. I'm looking at places now to move into in the new year. My wife is slowly accepting that I am moving on. Today I am meeting some close friends, so will tell them about me moving out and also why. A big step for me. These are people who know me and my wife and have done for years. She thinks I'm dealing with everything in a very calm way and she's described it as emotionless before. I think I'm just trying to get things moving. I know that if we both sat and cried we'd get nothing done and not move forward an inch. So, I end up taking control and pushing it forward. I need to move on and the longer I am here in the house, the more I see that although I love her as a person and friend, there is not the desire or passion there and I don't want to be here any more. I love my kids and know that me not being here will upset them, but I'm determined to give them a stable home with their mum, and give them a second place they can call home with me.

It's slightly scary for 2014 - a total 'life reset'. But I'm determined to manage this and make it what I need it to be both for me, my kids and my wife. It doesn't have to be a cataclysmic change and I'll do everything I can to prevent it turning into that.

Will let you all know how the conversations today go. These are old friends, and I'm slightly apprehensive about how the guys will react to it. I really hope I don't get a punch in the face...

 

Hi everyone. Feeling really low today. I feel like I'm drifting apart from the guy I have been seeing. When we are together he can't keep his hands off me; has offered to help me financially get on my feet in my own place; talks about our 'relationship'; but then is still with his bf who seems to take advantage of him all the time. He talks about having nothing in common with his bf (there is a 14 year age gap), they argue, live in separate cities, he is almost like a dad to his bf and is the one everyone turns to to get help. I think he needs to feel needed. He talks about not wanting to compare his bf with me, but then highlights the differences between us in that I am more like an equal rather than dependent. I get loads of mixed messages from him - he cares for me, we laugh together, we enjoy each others company, yet when he goes to his bf, I hardly hear from him at all. I understand that it's difficult for him to make contact with me, but then I just end up feeling a bit used and forgotten about.

I've been feeling really low about the next steps. He was the guy that opened my eyes to how I really felt about guys, whose presence has given me the strength to take the path I'm taking. He tells me that he doesn't want to lead me on, that he's with his bf and doesn't know if it will work or not, but that he can't be with me while he's with someone. A bit of me is angry, a bit of me feels really stupid and naive, and another bit of me is hurting so badly. I have fallen in love with him and it feels as if it would if I was trying to come off a drug.

I'm trying to separate out the feelings for him with the situation I'm in at home where I am looking to move out and face the fact that I am gay.

I don't want to embarrass myself; I don't want to end up running about after this guy with there being no hope that he'll see he's being used in his current relationship and act on how he feels about me. I don't want to kick back against him either as I'm afraid that I'll just end up really ruining a friendship and working relationship with him.

 

And so, in the space of a couple of hours I am starting to get my head round things. I think that he and I are over before we really got started. It hurts me to think of the fun we've had, what he's said to me and how he has behaved - but it takes two and I've been blind to this and if I admit to myself I've just tried to ignore some of the warning signs that have probably been screaming at me to get a grip of myself.

What is it that makes you do and say stupid things, against what your head tells you? I know that if I see him soon, my heart will be in my mouth but I can't go on like this. I am starting to feel really down about the future; leaving my wife and kids is bad enough but I thought I might have someone at the other end to give me a bit of moral support. Not sure that that's going to be the case now in the way I'd have liked.

So. Am I brave enough to acknowledge the new me in public? To move out and on on my own and get out there and start to meet guys (God knows how I'm going to do that after having been out of practice for the last 20 years), and who knows what might happen. It's absolutely terrifying - so much so that right now, right now, all I want to do is cry and hold my wife and know that she will give me the hugs that I so desperately want from someone.

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, and running down my face, thinking of a fairly bleak future and wondering whether the status quo here is the only alternative to ending up depressed and alone. I know that I can't turn off the feelings for guys but the alternative I'm envisaging right now is a worse one in my head