STILL can't accept my transexualism

Seriously, I know that initially figuring this stuff out can be startling, but for fucks sake, if you're not comfortable transitioning then don't. DO NOT. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. EVEN TRY TO FORCE YOURSELF TO DO IT. There are a lot of things you can do to try and feel less mixed up that aren't a full transition. For me, I think I need hormones, I know I need top surgery, and I know I don't need bottom surgery. I am not the most typical transsexual, and I have little to no anxiety about this whole thing. At least, about what I plan on doing to my body if and when I have the funds. Because when I think about what's waiting for me on the other end of transition, it's me. But I don't think about the medical aspects of transition every day. They're all speculative, and a long way off right now - I can barely pay my bills, let alone shell out $6000+ to have my moobs chopped off.

I think about the social aspects of transition. How to come out, get people to see me for me. Sure I have curves and soft features and a high voice, and they annoy the ever loving shit out of me. But I started wearing guys clothes, and cut off my hair, and started coming out to people I feel safe coming out to, and I bind my chest and am trying to work out regularly to try and slim out and look more boyish, and it helps. Do I get frustrated with being imperfect? With the endless struggle of trying to simultaneously burn fat and build muscle in the hopes of appearing a teeny bit more masculine? With being called "miss" and "ma'am" and "lady" everywhere I go? Of course. But you know, I can't help all that. All I can do is shoot for what I know will make me happier, accept that some people can't see it yet (especially strangers, they don't mean to hurt me by calling me miss after all, they don't know any better and they're just trying to be polite), and try to keep my head up.

I know it's not always easy coming to terms with being trans, especially when you don't fit the "trans narrative". Hell, I've had my fair share of long nights where I couldn't sleep because thinking about myself as a transdude kept me up. I know it can be rough. But there are only three things I can think to reccommend to you guys to help you out. Therapy, meditation, and time. I'm looking for a therapist even though I'm pretty content with being trans now, because I still need the guidance. I know it sounds silly, but regular meditation helps to relieve anxiety, and helps to get you to think more calmly and clearly. If you're this stressed, I highly reccommend giving it a shot. Pour a cup of tea, kick back, and let go for a while. Once you can look at your feelings calmly, it's easier to see what's right for you. As for time, that was really the big one for me. The more trans people I met, the more stories I heard, and the more I listened to myself, the more I came to terms with myself, and that's not an overnight experience. I've been working my way to this point for a good two years now, and only started getting this calm within the past six months. That's all after a previous 2+ years of knowing with utmost certainty that I was nonbinary - I've been working on this for at least 4 years now. Time is key.

Nobody's going to tell you what to do, but you're asking for advice. And my advice is to give it more time, find a therapist, and really think about this whole thing. You've said you didn't want it. Why do you feel you need it? I know it's scary. But I want it anyway. Not just because I need it, but because I think that for as hard as it is, it will be worth it, this is the right path for me. I can't wait to wake up with a flat chest and stubble, and I hate facial hair.

It's ok to be non-op. Right now, think from a non-op perspective. It might help you keep calm. Remember, you're not obligated to do anything you don't want to do.

 

Okay, I see.

Well now I want to do it but I am just not ready yet, I still can't handle my transsexualism.

I am not gonna rush into transitioning without proper talking this through with a therapist, it just takes so god damn long to get referred.

I want to transition but I can't handle being a transsexual.

My transsexualism is taking over my life at the moment.

I am not sure I am ready to start living as a woman.

 

SWAG I feel exactly the same. I need to transition for my own mental health and peace of mind yet I can't handle what is happening to me. I too am frustrated with how long it takes to get referred. I need therapy NOW. I can't focus on anything I try to do because transsexualism is on my mind all the time. It's like I will do something to try and distract my brain but the thoughts flood in.

SWAG do you feel like realizing your transsexual has changed your personality/interests or your view on yourself as a person? I think at the same time I am also having a full blown identity crisis because realizing I'm trans has completely destroyed who I thought I was and I'm not sure who I am any more, what's real what's not, and who on earth I am going to become.

 

you need to stop obsessing about the results of something that hasn't happened(and doesn't have to if you decide otherwise) and trust the process. Take it one day at a time. Breathe. Just work on accepting who you are. Give yourself a break.

The panic that comes across in your tone and the exclamation points is a fight/flight. Confidence in your decisions will come with patience and intention. Do you want to traumatize yourself?

That little voice that is screaming that you cannot handle becoming a transsexual, etc? That is your body sending you urgent messages to slow down. it wants to feel more safe. You are pushing yourself way too much. You are responsible to take wonderful care of yourself.

You are so not ready.

 

I never came to accept myself. I still don't feel like I can live as either a boy or a girl happily. As a girl I just feel so lesser than and fake. As a boy I feel completely denied of who and what I am. As anything else, I feel like I'm living in a world that wasn't made for me.

I had a breakdown over it again last night. So tired of thinking about this stuff.

*hugs* you're not the only one :S

It's not gonna go away if you transition though. 2 years transitioned I have just been more confused, sad and hopeless than ever.

 

What do you identify as? I am panicking about transitioning because when I come face to face with making the step forward of getting a haircut and wearing guys clothes I just...can't..do it. It's stupid because I'm so sure I'm not a woman and unhappy with my current gender but I can't accept my transsexualism as a man:bang: So for those of you saying I'm not ready I agree but what do I do in the meantime to ease the suffering of living as a woman for now. Do I wait for the professional gender therapists to help me?

 

Hey anonym and SWAGboy,

First I just wanna (*hug*) 'cause you're both going through some tough stuff right now.

Also, I'm not here to prevent you from being able to vent. This is a safe place to do as much of that as you want. But you asked a question about self acceptance. So here's what I know for what it's worth.

So first and foremost, what the heck is transition, or a sex change, or however you want to describe what we go through. I'm not going to answer that question directly, because I really think that you should come up with your own answer. Some of our answers involve medicine, some don't.

I can say what it's not though. Have you ever played one of those games, where you get lists of stuff to do, and you get some kind of reward every time you check off a task? Like "completed: baked 3000 cookies" or something. That's not what transition is. You will never wake up one day and see giant floating yellow letters next to you saying "quest completed: become a man".

But it would make things easier if it were like that, wouldn't it? Maybe it can be, but no one else will set it up for you. Something to think about.

So about the role medicine plays in all this. I'm not taking hormones, getting laser, working on my voice, and getting an orchie, to become a woman. I'm doing that to fix a hormonal imbalance, for the same reason any other woman would get rid of it if she woke up with this on her face, ditto her voice plus I love singing, and to make my hormones safer to take long term, increase my options with clothes, and just plain feel better about my body.

And about the other kind of medicine, therapists etc. I flat out refuse to prove I'm a woman to anyone to get help. I have ethical issues with that mentality if nothing else; it's not something I can support. My therapist said that she doesn't agree with holding trans people to a higher standard of mental health than cis people, and I think that is a really awesome attitude. I am comfortable proving to a doctor, though, that I'm capable of making rational decisions, that I'm aware of the consequences, and all the other considerations that a professional is going to have for any kinds of surgery or controlled medicine like this. Any medicine out there will have "counterindications", meaning things that should prevent you from taking them. Things like allergies. Trans medicine is no different.

Just, things like my sexual preference aren't counter-indications. There is a line and I won't cross it, is what I'm saying.

My therapist is someone I see for therapy, and help transitioning. She's smart, she's helped lots of people like me, and is worth the money to me.

And about ethics. I know we get accused of being selfish a lot. I was very selfish when I tried to get in a relationship with a cis straight woman. I was selfish when I was lying to people about who I really am. I was scared and lying, yet I thought I was doing the right thing, that I was supposed to try to be a boy. But the position it put me and the people I love in was anything but right. My girlfriend and I became more and more incompatible in every way and miserable. Both halves of my closeted double life were destroying each other. I denied her years of opportunitity to be with someone wholly a man on the inside and out, and the guilt I was feeling and the shame I felt about who I was behind closed doors was killing me and everyone that depended on me.

So that is one of the bigger reasons I need to transition. Who I am is not going to go away or change. Whether I'm honest about that before things get worse is. Again, it's not the only reason. But it is there. I am simply not really a man, never was. Just started pretending I was when I was a teenager so I wouldn't get so much shit from people, and never stopped.

But probably a bigger reason than that is your question. Self acceptance.

So let me ask you this. When I say "man", what is that to you?

I'll explain what "woman" means to me. Of course men have these qualities too, but this is "to me". A woman has a quiet strength. A woman won't ever force you to do something you don't want to do. Women don't need force, they have a better kind of power. A woman can ask you, nicely, to do something, and you'll want to. That's where her strength comes from, just her empathy. She can put her ego aside, really put herself in your shoes, really feel what you feel, and approach you from there. We can't help it. One of the reasons I'm glad I'm transitioning in this direction, thinking about my closeted past, is because there is nothing hidden with what a woman is feeling. Her cards are on the table. If you are feeling a certain way about someone, you are just going to say it. Maybe you'll find a nice and polite way to put it, but you won't bottle it up or keep your mouth shut.

There are some women I really admire. They're tough and determined. Definitely not your 1950s stereotypes. But not your 1980s either, they manage to be feminine and human beings "smiling into the storm" too.

So the reason I typed all that out is to give you an idea of the kind of answer I'm looking for. What's a man? What do you feel like you need to become?

And if you choose to, how are you going to get there?

So last thing, a little more technical, but you mentioned the "artificial" bit earlier. I will mention something you've probably heard before, a lot of us that go the surgery route view that as fixing a birth defect, myself included.

But I wanted to ask, have you looked into metoidoplasty? That's a very natural method. In a nutshell, they fill part of you with the same kinds of hormones your body naturally produces, and it turns into a penis you can use to pee standing up. It's true you can't really penetrate a partner with it, but well over 90% of the people that get it are happy with it. And, not gonna get graphic, but I've heard that transmen receiving oral are very very happy with the results, since it's more sensitive than phalloplasty.

You hang in there. Keep coming here, being around other people who are different does no end of good when you're trying to get to the point where you're okay with this.

And of course, with a lot of us, transsexual is only something we are in-between. So it might help to think of it that way. I'm probably going to be open about it long term since I'm gay anyway. But if it's not you, then it's not you. If you ever feel like you should do something though, and there's ever a gay or trans kid out there that's having a hard time, stick up for them. But never feel bad about stealth if you decide on that.

You'll do fine

 

The problem is is that you are jumping into transition before the most important step: self-discovery. Transition may be a word that is thrown around a lot, but in the end, it is only a moment, a metamorphosis from an undesirable state to a desirable one.

So here's a question, what do you REALLY wish to be? You do not seem to want to be a man, not a woman...perhaps neither? androgynous then?

There is nothing stating what you must be other than yourself, and you must learn to understand what your subconscious, your inner-self, truly wants. I one day woke up, wondered what it would be like to be a woman, and found it deeply appealing, so much so that, to this day, I have yet to fully drive it away. That feeling came five~six months ago: it wasn't something I knew since birth, but it's something that I've felt strongly about ever since I first felt it.

If you're still reading this, I would like to point out that transitioning is less (if not at all) about being transsexual and more about being the desired gender; so when someone ask what you are, you would tell them that you are a male, not a transgendered/sexual.

 

Ok I am sure that I am meant to be a man. Part of me wants to be. But another part of me doesn't. The result is extremely distressing:icon_sad:

 

Which is why I pointed you in the direction of something in between. You don't have to be one or the other, or either. It doesn't work that way.

If part of you wants to be a man, find out what part. Find out what bits about being a man appeal to you and do those things.

Stop worrying about this idea that transition is something you HAVE to do. It isn't. Never was, never will be. It's something you do ONLY if you really really want and need it. You only start it if you want to see the finish. If one day you wanted to be able to say that you are male in mind and body. If you don't want that, don't start it. Or at least, don't tell yourself you have to go all the way with it.

 

If that is true, then you are not transsexual or ftm, and you can't transition, because it wouldn't help anything.

You need to learn how to love yourself. And that is not something to be terrified of.

 

Hi thanks for the replies. I will admit I do rant a lot on here about things and I'm sorry for that. I think I have found some temporary relief in just accepting that for now I don't know who I am. I'm certainly not a woman. To me, that is because I am not comfortable with femininity in the least since I started getting trans feelings. Before then I was quite girly. I have never felt maternal. The idea of being a mother or being pregnant/giving birth disgusts me. I don't feel comfortable with being physically female either. I also find that women are able to make small talk which is not really something I have ever been any use at. I prefer deep conversations. The thing about being a woman that does appeal to me though is being free to express emotion which men can be criticized for. I am not very good at empathizing though. If I have experienced something personally and I see someone else struggling with the same issue then I do feel compassion but if it's something I haven't experienced, it's alien to me and I don't understand. I also can't multi task which women claim to be competent at.

I do perceive myself as being more male than female based on the fact that I would prefer to have a male body over a female body. I guess I'm looking at it as having to be one or the other though without considering the possibility of being both or neither. I know that women's clothing has come to disgust me and I can no longer wear it. I am starting to test out men's clothing and it does appeal to me more but not entirely. I still haven't taken the plunge to get a short hair cut. Maybe it's just because it's different. Yes I think it looks good on guys and some women too but me with short hair is a frightening thought. Maybe it's because I never have had short hair before I don't know. I don't wear make up any more in the way I used to but I still like a bit of concealer. I have now got a binder so I'm going to try that out as well.

Apart from 'body image', I have a difficult time explaining what being a man means to me. I guess I feel that male 'gender roles' fit me more than female ones.

I am trying to accept my transsexualism/transgenderism. It's just so damn hard!:icon_sad:

 

Is it though? Because that post sounded bloody good as far as acceptance goes?

I think a big part of this is the idea of gender roles that you summed really well. You want to be able to express bits of you without being judged as acting like the wrong gender, and that's fine, and completely understandable. One of the things I hated more than anything about being male was that I couldn't express myself like my coworkers could. I used to work in a primary school so you would have staff room full of women talking about how such and such did something really cute. You might hear the phrase "Oh she's so adorable I want to take her home!" and all you can do is sit there and think, "if I said something like that, they'd lock me away". So I completely understand where you're coming from.

However, this is making you think you ought to associate with a gender you have no particular interest in either. If you assume that the male and female stereotypes are accurate then the partner to your female stereotype is that men are un-caring macho morons who can talk about deep stuff without being interested in anybody else. From what you've said you don't want that either.

Your second paragraph is a step closer to discovering what you've been asking all this time and I am so pleased you wrote it. "I do perceive myself as being more male than female based on the fact that I would prefer to have a male body over a female body." This sentence alone suggests more than anything that you are making progress in discovering yourself. You should consider, as I said, that you might be both or neither gender, I think it will help you a lot.

As for 'taking the plunge', forget it. It might be just because cutting your hair would be different and scary. But if it's that big a deal, don't do it. I had long hair as a guy, so did most of the people I know. Personally, I think it's kinda sexy if it's done right, but that's just me

Having read every post you've made since you started asking here, I can tell you you've made a lot of progress from the panic you felt initially. The first step was accepting you had something you needed to work out, and you did that. The next step as you correctly identified, was figuring out what that thing is.

That is a good place to be. It's still intimidating, but it isn't the big scary thing that it seems to be. You don't need to do anything you are uncomfortable with, you don't need to do it in a certain time frame. You have all the time and space to figure this out, and all the help we can provide. Sure the end is scary, because we don't know what the end is yet. But we can find out, and we can make it less scary.

If what you need right now is to wear SOME male clothes to feel better, then you do that. Take little steps and don't worry so much about the end result

 

Well when I think of transitioning to be full time male, it makes me feel ill My stress levels go sky high. But when I think for now I am neither man or woman it makes me feel a lot better. So that is all i am going to allow myself to think until I get serious help

 

But that might be what you are, and that's fine!

 

I think I will end up being male eventually. It's just too much to take in one go.

 

And if that's the way life takes you, then great. But realising that you don't need to rush it, and that for now being somewhere in between is what you need, is really healthy.

If you do what feels right to you, and remind yourself that this is how you are doing things, you'll get there. Don't worry about how anybody else is dealing with their problems unless you asked them for help. Our problems might be similar, but we deal with them in different ways. It doesn't have to be as scary if you take it when you're ready to. Baby steps in what ever direction seems comfortable, and you'll make it in one piece

 

Anonym, it sounds like you are making some progress which is good

 

Yes I hope so. It still shocks me from time to time because I obviously never knew it before. Even the odd time dressing up as a man for fancy dress throughout my life I never enjoyed it at all. I still maintain that this is definitely late onset transsexualism even if people tell me I just never realised before. Honestly the feelings were not even there, nor did I lack the courage to come out as trans. :-s confusing times!

 

Yeah same here, I had dressed up as a woman for various things but I never felt like it was "right" or my true self or whatever.

Yeah same here, I relate 100%