So... I think my brother's gay too...

Ask him!!!! I kind of want to know now but I think it would be cool if two brothers were both gay. I think it could be a way to get a little closer. Plus my friend who is like a brohter to me uses the gay card a lot then I use it back it's really fun.

 

If you think your brother is gay, my first thought would be to come out to him. But you seem like you wouldn't like that suggestion for some reason. Unless you are out to him already? But if you are, I don't know why he'd be out to your mom and not to you.

But even if he is out to your mom, you can still be "first" by coming out to him before he comes out to you.

I think it's normal for siblings to measure their progress in life against each other. And coming out is a big deal in terms of where you are in the course of your life. So, I don't think it's strange that it would bother you if your younger brother managed to get there first. Among straight people, older siblings are often bothered if their younger siblings get married first, for example, and I think this is a similar kind of thing. It's not so much that you want to beat your brother, but because it makes you feel like you are behind where you should be in life.

If he has a lot of anxiety, which it sounds like, you shouldn't be too sure that he'll have started coming out already. Although, if he's more feminine, as you say, it's possible that your mother would have suspected more, and made more of an effort to make sure he knew it would be okay if he told her. And it does sound like he might just be more expressive of his feelings.

Your discomfort with your brother's femininity probably has to do with your discomfort with your own sexuality. Because he's your brother, you might feel on some level like his sexuality could reveal something about you. Or, you might feel like him being the more feminine brother invalidates your sexuality somehow, as if, because of it, he gets to be "the gay one." (These could even both be part of it.) I suspect that, once you've been out to everyone for a while, you won't feel like that any more. At least you know that it's something you are having a problem with, rather than it actually being something wrong with your brother.

I think that you are really on the verge of readiness, in terms of coming out to your family--partly because of those dreams you've been having--and if sibling rivalry pushes you over the edge, I think that's probably a good thing.

One other thing to keep in mind: Just because your brother is more feminine, it doesn't mean he'll be further along than you are in acceptance of his sexuality (presuming he is gay). He might be in a stage where he could really use some support, and since you haven't recognized each other on here, I'm guessing he doesn't have Empty Closets. I don't know of anything else quite like our community here. You describe your brother as not being as stable as you are. What if he's gay, but he's not out to your mother? What if he doesn't have any real support at all?

In short--if you really think he's gay, come out to him, for his sake as well as your own. He probably has no idea about you.

 

I get what you are getting at, but if he is gay I beg of you don't see it as a competition. If he's younger and knows you are gay, the he's obviously going to look up to you. And me as a 14 year old gay teenager you don't know how much I would have loved to have an older gay brother to help me figure out a lot of this. And just wondering, how old is he?

 

Wow, that'd be awesome if one of my siblings was gay, as well. I think I'm the only gay person in my immediate and extended family. However, I do suspect that one of my relatives is gay, but closeted and extremely homophobic. Anyway, lol...this seems like the perfect opportunity to talk to him, don't ask him directly. I'm not sure how close you guys are, but you could casually bring up anything pertaining to the LGBT community and see how he reacts. Hmm...what are the odds of two siblings being gay? That's a rhetorical question, but I think it's pretty cool!

 

That would be so cool if your brother was gay! Well at least I wouldn't mind if my brother was also gay. What seems to be the problem here? You could support each other is he really is gay

Have you only just considered him to be gay recently or were there signs during childhood etc?

 

The only time I have ever known or heard of more then one sibling being gay is when there was abuse of some sort in the family or by someone close to the family. Has that ever happened?

It just seems odd to me that you would both grow up to be gay, by coincidence. Sorry.

 

Abuse is not a factor in determining sexual orientation.

 

A lot of people use it as one. I really don't know for sure or not. I believe it is just because of past experiences. But I will say that it's not always a factor in determining sexual orientation.

 

It's often cited as one by people who were abused out of shame for what happened, or by therapists who think they can cure homosexuality, but no evidence whatsoever supports this assertion.

 

I don't know, I wasn't shamed and it wasn't because of a shrink. And same for others I know. However, this is straying from the topic. And it's getting into an area I would rather not discuss let alone think about.

 

i have an older gay brother... and there was no abuse involved... plus he's 13 years older than me and I have barely seen him most of my life.

 

I'm just saying that this is a little rare (at least from my perspective). Phliper I am happy that you and your older brother have something in common, that is really cool especially considering that your both gay. I wish me and my older brothers had something in common.

 

yeah i have heard some gay men were abused boys, it killed my heart hearing it cuz every gay person i saw kissing i thought there goes a hurt kid. my cousin was a gay teen, and family said he changed after a trip out of country. :/

but, I'm not sure abt my self, i am serious a queer one, but i didn't get raped or sexually molested as a child or teen, just chose to experiment with friends and nothing more than kissing and touching. so it is likely just inherited or coincidence then for these families.

i have no transgender out family, but my grandmother was proud to wear boys clothes to school and liked traditionally male and female things including riding motorcycles, table football playing with family, baseball playing in school with the boys, fishing and hunting.

 

There is. NO. EVIDENCE. that sexual abuse causes homosexuality.

BudderMC--I still say, come out to your brother.

 

Well, it would be something you had in common, and you might get closer because of it. I'm not sure why you seem not to want that.

I suspect you are different enough not to be competing for the same guys, based on what you said. Do you think you would have similar tastes? Do you think the same people would be interested in both of you? My guess would be probably neither, which would make you near-perfect wingmen.

I think you can tell him. People tell siblings even when they are all home with mom and dad, and they manage not to spill the beans.

He's your brother. He may very well be gay. He will certainly accept you. You have nothing to lose and you are just making up reasons not to tell him. Once you tell him, you can discuss the best way to approach your parents--whether he's gay or not, he's your brother, and could be useful in that analysis.

 

Agreed with Ianthe. Tell him and keep us posted if/when you do..

 

Depends on what you mean by abuse, I guess. We were never explicitly "abused", and there was no sexual abuse (or at least, none that I knew of). My dad was an alcoholic, which caused quite a few rough nights, but I don't see how that plays into it.

And I remember reading somewhere that younger siblings were a certain % more likely to be homosexual, if such and such condition were met. I can't remember the condition though, and the number 70% sticks out to me. Oh well.


I never specified the type of abuse because it could be any kind. An alcoholic can be very abusive. My father was one plus he used drugs. He was always criticizing me and calling me names. I was never sexually abused but I saw my best friend getting molested by his older brother. And I knew about other sexual abuse going on with people I knew. Both my brothers hated me growing up, one hit me in the head with an ax (he claimed it was an accident) the other tried to choke me by putting his knee on my throat while I was sleeping on my waterbed. This is just the tip of the iceberg... The only thing I ever wanted was to be loved by a guy. It doesn't matter what kind of abuse, but yes I believe that there are times when abuse can play a big part in deciding ones sexuality, regardless of what others might say.

 

I don't know if it is odd, but rare, yes. Plus if you think about it, that would mean genetics doesn't play a role in sexuality. I'm gay. And I am pretty sure my younger brother is gay/bi. I mean, I caught him repeatedly looking at gay porn a year a go. But then he says he has this crush on this girl so... I have no clue. He isn't too stereotypical either. I mean I am much more obvious but the point is, I am almost positive we are both gay and there has never been any form of abuse to either of us. And he has grown up with his dad too so the abandonment/father problem stereotype is false in this situation as well.