Should I ask her out? Argh, you'd think this would get easier with age!

I would not ask someone who's in a serious relationship on a date. I know two married lesbian couples. In both instances when the women met, one was involved in a relationship. But the other didn't ask her future wife out. She waited. Now one of those couples has been together 13 years and the other for 8 years. I think the "friendzone" concern is irrelevant compared to interfering with a person's established life. The friendzone is an appropriate place to be while she's in a relationship.

I am trying to meet other people, go out woth friends, etc., to distract me from the woman whom I'm very attracted to but lives with another woman. It's really hard because of course I am still attracted to her. But she is not available and I don't want to be involved during a break up if that's what happens. I would very much be interested if that relationship ended independent of me. But I'm also not going to put my life on hold.

 

You wouldnt like if someone ruined your relationship, so please dont interefere with that relationship.

Know, you can be her friend and maybe see if she breaks up. Because she is in a relationship you might not fall in the friendzone, normaly ally falling on the friendzone happens when you start idolizing and outting in a pedestal the other person, dont do that, be equal, also be a little flirtatious (but just a little little bit cause she is in a relationship) and see if you can be her friend without falling in the friendzone. Being friends is not the problem, the problem is being discarded from the dating pool and then getting the explanation " we cannot date, i dont want to ruin the friendship" with sometimes is just a way of not hurting your feelings so much by telling they arent attracted to you.

Also have in account that the chances of falling in the friendzone are going to be high, but you cant do much when the other person have a relationship, unless you dont mind ruining others relationships, with again, i insist, dont do that, dont create more hurt or sadness in the world.

There is also another thing you can do, befriend her and dont worry so much about her, and ask her help in meeting other women, that might not be the same as a repationship with her, but at least you might gain an ally. While you flirt with her but never making a move unless she become single.

:goodluck:

 

WoW, your story is almost mirror to mines. Its as if I were reading my own story but through you. I cant give you any advice because I'm in the exact situation. Please read my story you'll laugh. I'm having the same issues on what to do. Thank you !!!

 

It's really hard not getting a quick response to something that took a while to find courage to do! There could be many reasons she hasn't gotten back to you, like something that needed her immediate attention or needing to check her calendar before suggesting a time/day. Since it seems she has feelings for you, it's also possible that she is hesitating before taking that step. I know it's hard, but try not to read too much into it!

 

As a masculine gay guy, I can never tell if the guys I'm attracted to are gay or straight. If I can tell they're gay, I'm usually not interested, but that has exceptions.. Anyways... saying that to say that the best option is to befriend someone. And just remember that the friend zone isn't up to you. You can't prevent it. If you hang with her and she likes you back, you're not in risk of being in the friend zone. The friend zone isn't what you do a lot of the time, contrary to popular belief. Like not being aggressive enough,things of that sort... I think if you get to know her, explain the issues in your prior relationship and about how liberated you feel, you'll get your answer. If you can tell she likes you back, she's going to let you know if there's a future in it for you. If you're friend zoned at that point, it's not about what you did or didn't do, it's more about the person making a barrier. You mentioned it being a grown up relationship, but it's not very becoming to pursue others in relationships. I know that coming from your own failed relationship, you may feel a little different..but the guys I'm interested in, I just befriend.. and if it's meant to be something, then it will be something. If not, you have a buddy. And sometimes, like recently for myself.. you realize that you like someone too much and it's not going to satisfy you to be in a friendship, and that's when you have to back off.. so yeah, different scenarios but there's nothing you can really do to accelerate the attraction, let it grow naturally and keep your ears open.. you'll learn what you need to know.

 

I'll ask anybody to coffee like it's nothing. As adults, I have no time for the game playing. It's coffee ... and that's it. It means I just want to talk. And the games people still play over something as innocuous as this. I don't have time for it. I, too, thought it would get easier, and it generally does, but some people are still "high drama." If they are too "high drama," then maybe it's not worth it.

 

Right, tightrope. Why does it have to be about anything? If you really admire her as a person, it should mean nothing to you to start out as friends and when the opportunity presents itself, just tell her how you feel about her. I mean..really thinking about it before hand to make sure it's going to come out right. Being friends lets you feel people out. I say ask her if she wants to hang and just get to know each other better. You may find out that you really don't like who she is lol.. never know until you try! Hell, I ask for guys' numbers all the time at the gym. Then we text for a bit and/or hang out and when the time is right, I just say, hey.. I'm gay. And if they aren't gay or interested they tell you and you never have to let them know that's why you started talking to them.

 

Precious Venus

Wow again. That is where I'm at. I've asked her also and she said next week after asking her the first time ( she didn't have a car) so I offered to pick her up but that's when she mentioned next week. I can understand what its like not having your car. So the thing is its now Sat. and this conversation via text message was last Sunday. Again maybe that was her way of getting out of going. Now I contemplate over going to her classes any more. Even though I would still love to. So, I'll just wait I will not ask any longer I would like to tell her how I feel but, I know that's too much. I couldn't work up the nerve....

 

Oh! Didn't mean for it to come as a jab or anything.. I generally talk to people here like they're family and I just wouldn't want you to get hurt. I have a hard time with pursuing people who are in relationships as well because of that signal thing you mentioned.. It gets kinda confusing, but I combat that with making it known that i'm a gay guy, and they will let me know they're straight more times than not and then we just go from there. If you ran into her and she didn't mention the message, BRING IT UP! See if she got it. Doesn't make you creepy or anything lol. I say initiate in the beginning and you'll be able to see if it's welcome or if it's an awkward moment between you and that person. And then sometimes, people play nice and say they'll let you know or whatever. The biggest piece of advice is to just accept what you receive from people. I have a thing about guys who don't message me on their own..I just feel like if they were soooo interested, they would get back to me. So that's a flag for me when the person doesn't really care whether or not they talk to you in the course of a day, a week..months lol.

 

Precious Venus,
Your exact, I am going to still continue to go to her classes anyway plus I love the workout and enjoy the person teaching it. Its all win win for me. Yeah I am already made a decision to move onward. I am happy a least I did invite her for coffee instead of wondering what could of happened, I know the outcome now. Thanks for your feedback I hope you find what your looking for. Please keep me updated OKAY !!!

 

Hmmm.. I don't know. When I can't nail a time down with a guy, I stop calling them lmao. That can go on for months lol. I think if you do want to pursue it that you guys should just talk as much as you can when you're there, laugh some. You mentioned acting normal and yes, that's a good idea. I do a fair share of research on guys haha. I think like a girl a lot.. and I'm usually the one pursuing. So I can't tell the difference between someone being nervous/uneasy or just not interested. My gut tells me that if they're interested, they'll throw caution into the wind. Hmm. But anyways! Good luck with anything and I'll look into that book. Hopefully there's a version for men, because they're a completely different head case haha.