*Questioning-Woman Crush*

I honestly don't know....she's kissed me on the cheek/forehead, and I like it.

However, I've never really entertained the idea of kissing a female before, and even though she is a very masculine female, she's still a female.

She's stroked my cheek..and has looked at me with this intensity in her eyes like she wants to kiss me....I just don't know if I'm ready for that yet.

I want to be brave like her someday; I just want to kiss her with everything inside me and not hold back, someday haha.


But, when I look in her eyes at those moments, I just feel like there's too much risk. Too much to be afraid of; too much uncertainty. (Because it's either going to be a normal kiss, I'm really going to like it or I'm really going to hate it.)

And that makes me so nervous.


But I don't want to be nervous; she doesn't make me nervous...just the situation. And the risk. And the fact that she's a female and I'm not supposed to have crushes or even slightly want to be more than friends with any female, no matter how 'masculine' they may be.

 

Well,

We um kinda did kiss. Uh....
It was, very awkward. (Because we totally don't have the same kissing styles lol.)

And, it was....disappointing. Because, I wanted it to be like fireworks or something like that.

It was just....a kiss.


But, because it was so awkward, and I'm so selfish; I think I'd like to kiss her sometime again. When it feels more 'right'?

Maybe it will never feel more 'right,' maybe I should just stop putting myself in these situations altogether.


I'm just scared that (as much as I do kinda want to kiss her gently and show her what she's doing lol), that it might just be another normal kiss. And I really will need to realize that I am lying to myself, to her.

God, I am so selfish.


And she won't leave me alone lol! No one has ever claimed to love me as much as she does....and I just....can't handle it. I love it, and appreciate all the affection. I really do.

She just....she looks at me and I WANT to believe that all the lovely stuff she's saying is true. I want to feel that fluttery, convinced, happy feeling again.

It's like a mental block; maybe I can't accept this love b/c I keep reminding myself that she's a female, I'm selfish, and this is wrong?





She deserves SO so much better than me. So much.

 

Okay; that sounds like a great idea!

She does like me. A lot lol.

I don't think so either; I guess I'm just waiting for the time to 'feel' right....if there ever is a time that feels right.

I definitely don't want to lead her on.

Thank you!

 

I think so too. (I think lol)

Overall, I just have a worried mindset about all of this. I think if I focused on the positives, on going slow, on realizing that we don't need to rush into things....that maybe stuff would be okay. Lol, it's all so confusing.

Either way, we are fantastic friends and it is awesome.

 

Okay; thank you so much!

I will continue being honest w/ her and work on limiting my worrying.

 

How do I say this?

I've talked to a few trusted people who recommend that I back off (aka, her and I friend zone things until I know or can make a decision or whatever on what I want etc, so that I don't lead her on), but then we hang out and it becomes so un-friendzoney!

Lol, part of that is my fault. I enjoy being held by her too much, and holding her hand. That's about my comfort level with all of this right now.

But I KNOW that she cares deeply about me. (Sometimes, half of me wants to run away in fear and logical, heterosexual reasoning......and usually that's when my mental block goes up. It's nerve-wracking and uncomfortable to even entertain thoughts that I could actually feel this way, that we could be a thing.)

However, I enjoy desire....and I like it when she kisses me on the cheek or something. She was stroking my cheek and I just said "screw it," and gave into that desirable feeling.

I'm just not ready for kissing again, not yet. IF that opportunity ever arises, I want to lead. I want it to feel right.

But this girl, she like, L.O.V.E.S. me. You have NO idea. I'm worried that with such my people-pleasing nature, I'm putting myself into this role of her gf for her benefit, not mine.

I was honest with her the other night; I told her not to kiss me and that if the opportunity arises, I will kiss her. However, it was late, and she had just deliciously stroked my cheek, and I was looking at her, trying to see her. Not the 'her,' or 'idea of her,' that I've been taught to see.

And honestly, she is beautiful. She is wonderful. I told her that. I literally made her cry tears of joy (this girl is NOT a crier.). God, she loves me.


However, if 'this,' is all built up in my head, or became an issue because I over analyzed everything and let those doors be opened, then I don't want to commit myself to her or anyone in a way that could hurt or confuse them.

I am very confused. Very, very confused. I don't think I've been 'denying,' a part of myself that I've always had or anything like that, I think I'm straight. I've always been, no question about it. If anything, she has opened doors to a heightened awareness of myself.


I'm just scared; what if I start falling for her? What if I feel emotions that I haven't allowed myself to feel?

What if I go to college, and realize that she needs to go find someone better and I will go find my Prince Charming and have everything be a happily ever after?

Maybe I'm just lying to myself. I'd love to love her; I don't know if I can....that involves opening up doors to all of these scary, unknown feelings and things.


Well, we are still friends. Hopefully we will be friends for a long time, if all else fails lol.


And man, if she was a guy...I'd have dated her last year. Why must the world be so black and white for me?? This doesn't make sense.....I don't make sense....she doesn't make sense.


It's all very scary. Very, very scary. But nice and interesting, I s'pose. *sigh*

 

This is so cool! We have like, the same problems!! *high five Blossomofangel*

Silverhalo, I accepted it. It's probably the right thing to do in this situation. However, I like her. I'm just agonizing over everything and haven't decided how much I like her...or to what extent, I suppose.

I accepted it, we have backed off (sorta), and it's nice. I didn't WANT to back off; I wanted to just make a decision, or date her right away or something. But truth is, I'm confused. She is beautiful. We are good friends, and whatever happens, I hope she can stay my friend.

I'm @ an in-between stage, and I'm trying to accept my confusion and the weirdness of oife as I get to know her better. We have many 'rules,' when we hang out..... #1 being, "just go with it." If I make a stupid mistake, I'll let her know. And vice versa.

 

BlossomofAngel, I know exactly what you mean. God, it's so tough to be a female in today's society, isn't it? (I totally understand the whole "punishing" feeling....believe me. *sigh*, the things we women put ourselves through for acceptance, love, and justification.)
Actually, this is also kind of a position that my 'friend' and I are in; I can't tell if I depend on her friendship, stability and comfort, or b/c of the confusing and challenging times of life, I also am genuinely interested in something more with her.

At least this person cares about you; she seems like a very compassionate individual nonetheless. And if she is making the time to be there for you, to help you out and love you even when you feel unlovable, I think you guys must have a very tight bond. I am very glad that you have someone in your life like that. . Either way, true best friends are hard to come by.


Well, you "don't want to feel like you depend on her, like you need her," to quote your phrase. You definitely don't want to feel that way. I'm not very experienced in relationships lol, (&dont want to put ideas or labels in your head that don't need to be there), but make sure you find time to make yourself happy, too. (I know, it's very very hard.)

You don't want to depend on someone for your sole happiness/well-being....(I did that with anther friend of mine and was crushed when she moved on.). Make sure you find ways to make yourself happy, (maybe even a counselor or therapist could help with that..?), so that when you find the right person for you...be it this girl, a guy, or another girl down the line,you can feel confident in yourself enough to know that whatever situation arises, you have the knowledge to handle it in the best way possible at that given moment.

Honestly, (if you ever were open to this idea), I would at least lightly broach the subject with your friend. You don't have to tell her your feelings, (because you want to be in a place where you feel happy with yourself and can explore these feelings with open curiousity...if you ever so choose). But if you feel that she is a good enough, trusted friend, then maybe you could at least say you were confused or questioning.....and note her response.

Even your friend is not open to these ideas other than heteronormativity, I'm hoping that she would at least be able to have an intelligent conversation with you...maybe even reminding you of the 'you' that she knows. That could help dispel some confusion, possibly?

I hope this all makes sense and helps; please let me know if you need anything!



Silver halo, thank you for all your help. I think that I may be starting to fall for this girl, and it's really scary and I'm full of guilt. I guess I'll just try to stop thinking and searching so much. Either way, everything will be okay. . I have time lol!