Please help. Urgent. In love with my straight best friend

Hello Davidd97! Welcome to EC!

What you describe is not an uncommon situation, but it is almost always a very tough one.

Unfortunately, the only real way to get over someone is to distance yourself from them (at least for a while) and give yourself time. How long? It totally depends on you. At some point, your heart has to recognize what your head already does, which is that you're not going to even have a romantic/sexual relationship with him. If you were to find yourself a bf or gf in the meantime, that would certainly help you to get over him.

It sounds like you really want to keep him as your friend, so if you decide to put distance between the two of you while you get your feelings about him under control, you will have to give him some type of plausible explanation so that he won't be hurt, put off, or think that you really just don't want to be his friend any more. The truth is always better than a lie, but I understand just how difficult that conversation could be for you to have with him.

Sometimes, in order to move on, people have to admit their feelings to the person that they have a crush on so that they can absolutely confirm that there will never be a romantic/sexual relationship between them. I don't know if you've even considered telling him about your feelings, but telling him about your crush on him could be problemtic. However, if you were to tell him, one thing you could also then do is let him know what behaviors of his are inadvertently (from his point of view) sending you the wrong message (i.e. that your body is reacting to his clinginess as if he were flirting with you).

Given that you've known him for 7 years, do you have any idea about his attitude towards LGBTQ people? Perhaps you would consider starting by Coming Out to him.


I don't know if any of that helps...

 

Hey @Davidd97,

Let me be clear that I'm not urging you to either Come Out to him nor tell him about your crush on him. You should only do those things if/when you feel comfortable doing so. I'm just discussing some possibilities for moving on from your current frustrating situation.

So, if he is open supportive of LGBTQ people, would there be any advantage in Coming Out to him? Remember, you haven't really been lying to him all this time. You have been keeping this personal and private information completely personal and private. I see that you are not Out to anyone, so if he was the first person that you Came Out to, he should understand just how significant that is.

Unfortunately, as I said, time and distance are the normal ways to get over a crush. As I said, the point is for your heart to realize what your heads intellectually knows - i.e. that your crush will be unrequited. Since you say that distance doesn't seem to do it, short of finding someone else (who is hopefully available and returns your feelings) to focus your attractions on, I can't really think of any other possible recommendations other than talking this out directly with him, that might help you with getting over your crush and moving on.

 

Hi Davidd, I can definitely relate to you. I'm currently 23, and I was very into my best friend a couple years ago. I met him in highschool my freshmen year, and we played football together. For three years, we became very close and I ultimately began to have very strong sexual feelings for him. I wasn't out at the time, nor was I out to myself (I tried to fight it until I finally accepted it). Like I said, we were best friends. We had our arguments and such, which finally led us disconnect. It was tough.

He also told me that it was like a relationship and that I was his girlfriend... I secretly wished we were more than just friends. Just know that you aren't alone, and there are many others like this. I guess you could say that its normal, especially when coming out for the first time, and coming out to yourself.

I made a post somewhere here in the forums (I think in the coming out stories), and I explained everything.... Everything from my feelings for him beyond being friends, and coming out.

I wish you the best of luck. We here are a community, and are here to help you.

 

Unrequited Love is one of the hardest things in a persons life to accept and deal with and a major reason I have no desire for close friendships with straight males.

Of the five really close male friendships I have had four of them became sexual relationships with two being very long term committed relationships and one became intimate but never sexual because he could not overcome his dependence on drugs and alcohol right up to his death.

Davidd97 indicated he is "In Love" with his straight bestie who has no problem with gay people and wonders if telling his bestie that he is gay will change the dynamics of the relationship and I can offer this,

If you out yourself to him he may well indeed out himself to you and you may both well indeed end up in the relationship you desire with him.

If you out yourself to him and he does NOT return the self outing to you but says he still "Wants to be friends" or he takes your revelation with shock and/or anger then end the relationship with this person and move on, hard as that may be.

The first IF can lead to years of satisfaction and happiness even if your now lover chooses to remain publicly closeted.
My longest most satisfying relationship was of this nature with my partner forever insisting we were nothing more than "roommates" to anyone who inquired of him the nature of our relationship with me jokingly agreeing with him and insisting I stayed for the cheap rent and because he was completely incapable of properly cleaning his house.

The second IF will either put you in the gay version of "The Friend Zone" or lead you to the receiving end of possible homophobic abuse and/or violence for the duration of the relationship and neither of these do you want to go through.

 

I don't personally believe in maintaining a friendship with someone you're head over heels in love with because it's not just a friendship for you. So many people say they want to tell someone they like them but don't want to ruin the friendship, to which I say, as cynical as it may sound, there is no true friendship to ruin if one or both parties is in love with the other. That's not a friendship, that's erotic attraction or love, which is vastly different.

With that being said, I think it's in your best interest to distance yourself from him. If he asks why you're distancing yourself be honest and say it's because you have deeper feelings for him. If he feels the same way hallelujah, if he doesn't at least you're on your way to getting your sanity and your life back.

 

I should add that I'm not saying you couldn't ever be friends with this person. Maybe down the line when your feelings have dissipated you could be in a neutral friendship with him, maybe not. All I'm saying is that where you're at now is not a neutral friendship and therefore not a healthy place for you.

 

I totally get where you are coming from. My friend (like I said, we aren't friends anymore) got a girlfriend our sophomore year of highschool. I was very happy for him, but at the same time I was very much romantically and sexually attracted to him. It hurt my feelings when he would talk about having sex with her and going out with her all the time. I felt like he would rather be with her than me, and now I completely understand why. It was his girlfriend... his first one... I was just the "friend." He would always talk about her, whether is was about sex and sexual intercourse or just going out to dinner and hanging with her. It broke my heart and it ultimately led me to become depressed. Like you said before, it pretty much led me to be obsessed over him. When our friendship ended (it was kind a mutual), I always thought about him. It took me a good 3 or 4 years to stop thinking about him. Our friendship was toxic, but I was very much still into him.

Now I'm not telling you to end your relationship, because I totally understand where you are coming from. Ultimately, it is your choice on how you want to handle this situation, whether you want to tell him or not tell him that you are gay.

You said that "It's wrong to stop being friends with him." If you tell him that you are gay (and possibly that you like him), and he reacts in a negative way, then that is not your fault... it is his.

Again, I wish you the best of luck, and just know that you are not alone. There are, and has been, many gay guys that have been in your shoes regarding this situation.

 

Bottom line, this is an unhealthy, codependent situation and you know it. There are active steps you can take to ameliorate your misery, or you can keep on keeping on because you just want him in your life so badly. About one thing I'm certain, if you take no action you will remain stuck in your pit of unrequited despair. You have to decide what kind of life you deserve and want to live, and it's up to you to take the necessary steps to make that a reality. Please understand too that I'm only taking a hard line on this because I was in your exact same situation for YEARS, and I wish someone would have told me then the things that I am telling you now. Good luck, I know how real the pain is.

 

Why do you not want to be out, at least to someone you trust? Resolving this issue is probably the best solution to your problem, rather than forcing him to leave your life forever.

 

You could say you guys are growing apart and it’s not his fault. People grow apart and most of the time there isn’t a reason, it just happens. Life takes them on a different path. Let him down easy. You and him did a year already apart. Growing apart is no ones fault. It’s the only explanation you can give without giving away that you are in love with him.

 

Hold up, you guys CUDDLED??? This is not normal, heterosexual male behavior on his part. Either he is closeted and enjoying this pseudo-relationship he has with you or he is using you as an ego boost (or both). What do you do? Tell him you need space because you like him as more than a friend and put an end to this ridiculousness. If he feels the same way maybe things could progress between you two, but if he expects nothing to change (more likely) then avoid avoid avoid. Be busy all the time, make up excuses to not be around him, whatever you need to do to get away from him and get your sanity and dignity back in one piece. That is if you want this torture to end. If not, well it's your life, your call.

 

Ok then you have to be the one to do it. You have to start phasing him out. I’m not saying to betray him but start lessening contact. If he texts you, then ignore him. If he asks why (because sooner or later he will realize you are distant) just say you are really busy. Eventually you can break it off and say you guys are growing apart. This is the only way I can think of without telling him the truth or betraying him.

You could set him up for a big fight and then end it but I don’t think that is fair unless the fight is genuine. Has he ever did anything to hurt your friendship? What are his flaws? If you can’t tell him you like him then you have to do something else to end the friendship.