Please help! in love with my "straight" friend

This is obviously an old, well-read thread. Still, I feel compelled to add my two cents.

This seems like one of those really sweet life experiences that can be diminished by a need to define it. There's an obvious connection, and it seems pretty genuine and sweet. For this reason I would recommend just appreciating this for what it is. Still, I recommend going at this from two perspectives:

Perspective 1

Just enjoy it. Don't label him, don't try to figure him out, don't try to define yours as a "loving" relationship between men. This is because all of life is really beyond words, and what you have here is a very rich experience that defies simple labels. I would not get hung up trying to figure it out - just go with it! You don't have to say that you love him, but let him know in every way you can (simple ways, not extravagant) that you care about him.

Despite the stereotypes, men are actually quite emotional and have many emotional needs. He seems to respond to you because he feels safe with you, and you recognize his need for emotional intimacy with much trust and safety. I would just appreciate that you already have a very meaningful relationship, and that he's likely learning a great deal about himself. Don't underestimate his emotional engagement even though you're not defining yourself as romantic partners.

Perspective 2

Be careful. Along with the above, bear in mind what you want and where your boundaries are. As a man, you are also an emotional being with emotional needs too. Does he respect you? Does he give you as much as you give him? Do the two of you share important things in your lives? If the answer to these questions is "yes" then you have a balanced relationship.

However, if you are putting more in than you are getting back, you have an imbalanced relationship - and an unhealthy one. A relationship should be a give-and-take scenario where there's roughly the same amount on both sides. One may give different things than what he gets in return, but the overall amount of things given and received should be about equal. To me it sounds like your relationship is fairly balanced, but you need to decide for yourself.

I would also suggest thinking about where you want this to go. Maybe after some time you'll know and you will want to define the relationship as romantic, and to say that "yes, we're an item". In addition to balance, the two of you need to be going in the same direction. If you're feeling a need to have a romantic and sexual relationship where he does not, then you have another reason to not stay.

So, in summary I think:

1) You already have something very special worth appreciating whether you label it or not.
2) Your friend, despite being a football player and fairly masculine guy, has very real emotions and emotional needs. You already have a deep and special emotional bond.
3) You seem to have a healthy, balanced relationship. But, you need to define balance for yourself and what a fair give-and-take scenario looks like.
4) You may develop a need for a relationship. If he does in time, that's great, but if not, decide where your priorities are. If he can't give you the relationship you need then it's best to move on.

Good luck!

*warm hugs*
Patrick
Seattle, WA

 

Contrast to some posts, I am giggling while reading your story. I think this can lead to lovely ending. He may be in denial but he's not that bad. He's nice to you and allowing you to be physically close to him. Now I agree to some members to distant yourself a bit. That is to create absence of you to him. Having said that make sure you don't fall deeply because it will hurt you a lot if in case he can't come into terms his sexuality yet.Next time he invites you to his hotel room, try to be unavailable.