Oldest guy you would date?

That's "boy toy."

 

Yes please! Any volunteers?

 

Inappropriate much?

I think it's a little past the boundaries for a mod to be making such a statement, even in jest. It would probably be relatively inappropriate for anyone but it's certainly prone to misinterpretation by new people and those unfamiliar with the forum.

This isn't the first time I've noticed this kind of thing here. Banter is great but banter should be made with the realisation that not everyone is in on the joke--people might have the type of relationship with others that allows for such comments (say two mods who have known each other a while) but that context is lost to people who are casual readers.

Given how some people tend to freak out about other things that are mentioned here, going on for pages about illegality this and illegality that, I find it puzzling that this kind of exchange happens. In other cases people bend over backwards to disclaim what they're saying or question what others are saying but then there are these kinds of statements which some people would consider vastly inappropriate and yet they go unmentioned.

If you're trying to create a safe space for younger people to discuss their sexuality, then you don't make comments that could be miscontrued as reinforcing blatant sexuality-based stereotypes. And no, a is not enough of a disclaimer.

 

Well, I was going to respond to that in a clever way, but now I feel that would be inappropriate. ::sigh::

 

I would much rather a free-for-all myself where people weren't babysat but my comment was more directed at how in other cases, certain types of comments or insinuations have been called out but this kind of banter hasn't. It's the inconsistency that bothers me, not the actual faux-racy-ness.

It seems particularly poor (to me) for there to be such concern about one's regional age of consent to the point where people are booted here off of ### because they (in a fit of naivete) admit to being under-18 (even though of course the age of consent in their jurisdiction might be much lower or higher) and then have mock-propositions like this made to the entire community, which of course includes people to whom making such propositions seriously would possibly be grounds for legal action. Please note I don't think now, nor have I ever at any point thought, that this was a serious comment. However, I know I have more of a brain than a lot of people and I'm particularly good at reading intention over the Internet. Others, not so much.

As someone quite wisely pointed out to me quite a while ago, when dealing with matters like these, that is those involving youth, it is not sufficient to avoid impropriety. It's necessary to avoid even the appearance of impropriety. If, of course, one is concerned about that kind of thing. And the mods have shown themselves to be in the past. So I find it a little frustrating that they don't seem to have put as much thought into how their own comments could come across.

And that's the crux of it, really: what kind of environment is this supposed to be? If it's meant to be a really safe, supportive space, then I (again personally) believe you have to sacrifice some wit and zing for the sake of being as inclusive/non-uncomfortable-making as possible. A sacrifice, to be sure, but one that has a potentially decent pay-off.

 

To repsond to Joey...

I think that we definitely want to offer a safe and supportive environment for everyone here. But I also think we hope to do so without having a sense of humour bypass.:icon_wink

Yes, there is a certain amount of "banter" here - and we have 3 completely different generations in the Mods. I am the "old fart" (50's), Paul is in his early 40's and Dave is 17 (tho' he often appears WAAY more mature than that when you read his posts - which is part of the reason we asked him to join us on the Mod team, and he has certainly proved his worth). The strange thing is that we all converse regularly (both here, via PM and on IM) as equals.

We all think that the others have something extremely valid to offer the forum in the way of experience, youth, perspective, etc. (at least, that's the way I see it - Dave might put them in a different order, LOL).

I also think that most people here would not read any impropriety in any of the "banter" we engage in between ourselves - in fact, the responses I have seen in the threads would tend to indicate that people enjoy the "fun" aspect of these conversations.

As regards the most recent of these - and Paul's joking comment about "toy boys" (which, Joey, you yourself engaged in and corrected to "boy toys") I would certainly think that most people would have seen this as very much "tongue in cheek" particularly in view of Paul's posting history here - and the fact that, earlier in the thread he made it clear that he would not be attracted to guys below their 20's to 30's.

Anyway - if anyone else here sees this as being a "transgression of what should be acceptable" - well, please let us know and we will certainly modify our behaviour...but I think (hope) most here will appreciate the informal atmosphere and fun environment we try to maintain.:icon_bigg

 

The comments are accurate and well-taken. I only have an issue with the heavy-handedness of the bashing for a one-liner that could potentially be misinterpreted by a few people. I wonder how Paul must be feeling after that heavy diatribe for his "oh so serious crime" :eek: .

What I'm saying is that the tone could have been friendlier or the subject discussed off line. It sure chains the communication if one sentence intended as humor can generate such a negative response. I think Paul's posts speak more than adequately for his integrity, character, and dedication to this site.

Lets be nicer to each other(&&&) .

 

I'm all for humour. But there's different types of humour, and some work in some environments and some don't in others.

Great. So what? How you guys interact privately has nothing to do with how you interact in a public forum, and that's the venue I was talking about. My point is that three friends ribbing each other in the context of their friendship is one thing, but those same statements in a group setting is another, especially if context is lacking (which one has to assume it would be with new posters, not to mention lurkers). Just because there are three mods who span a wide range of ages and get on great doesn't automatically mean that posters find their comments comfortable.

And I never said any of the mods didn't have great things to contribute.

And what if there were people who felt uncomfortable and they just didn't say anything? Like, for instance, when this has happened before and I figured it wasn't worth getting into? Now I can't prove there are people other than me who are bothered by certain comments but the lack of anyone saying they find certain comments problematic is certainly not proof that there aren't. But one would think that it is far more likely that people who might find certain comments uncomfortable would simply keep that to themselves and, ultimately, stop frequently the site, which would be a shame.

Uh no. I made a correction in terminology. That's not tacit approval of what was being said--that's me being anal about people who mangle terms. And it was actually Dave's comment.

As I've said, I don't think you can judge this as not of concern simply because only one person is bringing it up. It's not the sort of thing most people are usually comfortable talking about. Trust me, I know--I kept trying to ignore it myself. Anyway, I wasn't trying to make anyone as defensive as I obviously have; I was just trying to get people to consider the issue.

I just really dislike what I see as inconsistency in standards, so you can be sure if I witness it the other way (if someone is called on being too suggestive), I'll pipe up.

And I'll address this a bit more in my next reply to Lorenz but it wasn't anything to do with Paul per se. His comment just happened to be the trigger.

 

Well, if you're concerned about us being nicer to one another, you could probably start by not labelling my legitimate concerns a "diatribe" as that has a pretty negative connotation to it.

I've never claimed that I was aiming for brevity--I don't think issues like this are served by people trying to be concise.

Anyway, the issue I raised had nothing specifically to do with Paul--it just happened that I decided to share my feelings about the bigger issue as a result of his most recent comment. I don't think he committed a "serious crime" (nor did I frame it as such); I think he committed an error in tone... which (I think) is indicative of a bigger issue faced by the mods. For instance, the last time this was an issue for me, it was a comment Dave made. So it's not about a specific mod for me... it's about the mods not realising that maybe how they interact privately does not translate into the public sphere the way they expect or intend.

 

I don't think this is going to go anywhere worthwhile. TriBi has said all I would have said, and I think Joey has made his point now. Thread closed.

PS - if anyone is in any doubt, yes it was a joke....