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Need hope

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Orchidea123, Apr 15, 2018.

  1. Orchidea123

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    Hi everyone, maybe I need just a few words of support..

    There is just too much to tell, I'll try to be brief.

    Married with kids, fell in love with lady 3 years ago. Nothing has occurred between us except for on and off interactions. However, I've always felt she likes me and that has given me hope for these 3 years. Silly hope..
    She does things for me and I do what I can for her, but it's always been push pull/ hot cold as they say.. Mostly cold and avoidance.

    The days that I feel her distant are painful and I am losing hope. Last week after getting short replies by text (hate texting) I had enough..
    I've decided no more hope, I need to move on by shifting my thoughts and feelings away from her, by not seeing her..

    And that's not all.. I have a husband who I care for, but don't have same feelings and attraction as i do for her, because of her..

    I feel anxious around him lately because I don't feel belonging in this marriage. This is scary, and the only thing I would risk all this for, is to have a chance to get to know her better and spend more time with her.
    So complete no contact feels as if this chance is slipping away.
    i've tried to quit seeing her before, but no luck. This time around my confusion about her hurts too much. We can have a perfect interaction, then cold..

    I am attracted to certain types of women, however, can not imagine wanting anyone else.

    Anyway, just feel like I've reached dead end..
     
    #1 Orchidea123, Apr 15, 2018
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2018
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  2. SevnButton

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    Hey @Orchidea123 -
    Yeah, I understand the hope thing - It helps when you're not feeling so good about your marriage. But what about this lady -- have you talked, or have any indications that her feelings could be more that a strong friendship? Just thinking out loud here -- any chance of getting the closeness that you need from your husband? Sounds like you need to really connect with someone in a meaningful way.
    Looks like you posted your message only an hour and a half ago -- I'm sure lots of people will chime in. I really hope you'll get what you're looking for. Reaching out here on EmptyClosets is a great start.
    Hugs-
    =Sevn
     
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  3. Woodswoman

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    Hi @Orchidea123, I'm sorry you've been struggling with both your marriage and your feelings for your friend. I remember you talking about her before a bit, and having been there myself, I know how difficult it can be. That combo of wanting to both express and suppress your attraction to her can be such a roller coaster. Sigh....really the best (and hardest) way to deal in my opinion is to talk it out with her, tell her exactly how you feel. Could it risk the friendship? Yes. Could it lead to your marriage ending? Yes, regardless of whether you 'get the girl' or not. But for me, hanging out in limboland when it comes to relationships of any kind (partners, lovers, family, friends, really any), is just not something I'm willing to do anymore. I have faith that the outcome will be positive, even if not what I expect or wanted at the beginning. And so far, this theory has proven true on many levels! I wish you the best in whatever you decide. Please keep us updated. Hugs!
     
  4. SoulSearch

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    It's a hard place to be stuck. I'm in a similar place myself. I'm trying to deal with the two issues as separately as I can. 1) My marriage - I need to leave for me, not for the woman I have feelings for. It's not fair to put that kind of pressure on her. 2) My feelings for her - I'm keeping them (mostly) close to my heart for now because I haven't made up my mind about my marriage. Until I am free to make a commitment to her, I can't tell her how I feel.

    I started therapy last week to try and sort out some of my feelings and figure out the best next steps.

    As far as the relationship with the woman goes ... I think it depends on the nature of your relationship. Does she know how you feel about her? Is the friendship solid? My friend tends to get caught up in her own baggage and will pull away. She told me that up front and I can call her on it. Sometimes she's distant when she's hurting and we address it and move forward. We're at the intimate friendship stage right now (though I think we're both flirting with more than that and can't act on it due to my circumstances). If your friend is distant because she's trying to pull away from you, then I think you do need to try to move on. I know that's easier said than done. I have a very difficult time moving on.

    This is complicated stuff. I hope you find a clear path for what you need to do next.
     
  5. zumbaqueen

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    @Orchidea123 is the woman you are interested in also interested in women, or don’t you know for sure? I see you having several different things going on. Lack of closeness in your marriage, strong attraction to a same sex person, not knowing if that person is attracted to you. I guess I ask because I wonder if she is dealing with or acceptance of her sexuality or is she already out to everyone, does she know your attracted to women in general? It just could explain some of the behavior. I’m married to a man, fell head over heals for my best friend and due to her actions around me I didn’t really know how she felt. Until I asked her, yes the fantasy of being with her is now over for me because she doesn’t want that kind of relationship with me, but it was still a good thing because now I know why I’ve never been happy with my husband and I’m working towards being me. So my opinion is you need to talk to her. Good luck.
     
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  6. Orchidea123

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    Thanks for the hug:slight_smile: now I need input the most..
    3 years based on hope - I allowed this to happen. I've felt good about my marriage and close to my husband till I met her.
    Than bam, everything changed. There is no room for two loves in my heart.. Learning that she exists kind of pushed him aside. The shock, facination, and attraction was too powerful to ignore.
    I told her about my attraction long time ago and she was dating someone at that time.. It didn't go well, although she was gentle to let me know. After that we did not speak for many months.

    We don't have close friendship, but we back each other up. I feel that we understand and respect each other a lot, even without saying a single word sometimes.
    She does observe everything I do and when we interact, if she is relaxed, it feels really good. but it is not consistant. She has a habit of acting distant or unsure maybe of what to do or say. At that point I feel rejected and it is painful.
    I try to be close to my husband, but there is so much pain and sadness from not having pure feeling for him.
     
  7. Orchidea123

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    Hi @Woodswoman, unfortunately I can't say anything to her.. I let her know of my attraction (see my reply to @SevnButton).

    If I am going no contact, then people might say - what have you got to lose? I mean, things have changed in the last few years. She speaks to me, she does things for me, heck, I feel sometimes she is checking me out. We match each other, I think we even look somewhat alike. I doubt this is just in my head.
    But, I will never ever put myself through pain of telling her, again..
    I like your principal of being authentic. I just can't do it with her. The best i 've done is to reciprocate her help with mine (kinda chivalry).
     
  8. SevnButton

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    Hi @Orchidea123 -
    This is all just my opinion, so if it resonates with you, and especially if it helps, that's great. But you're in the driver's seat, so if this doesn't help, let it go ...
    There's something about this woman that draws you, in an unhealthy way. She's not available for the relationship you hope for, and the hope you've held out has drawn you away from your husband. What is it about this woman that draws you toward her? Does she resemble someone else who has been in your life? Again, this is just my opinion, but I think you should find that strong, wise woman within you, know that you deserve the connection you long for, and let this woman go.
    Then, think about what it is that you want. Maybe it's a deep, meaningful connection with someone, maybe it's something else. Then wish for it every day, but remember, a wish is not a demand. The answer to a wish comes like a butterfly, a surprise when you least expect it.
    I wish you happiness. You deserve it as much as anyone.
    =Sevn
     
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  9. Orchidea123

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    Dear @SoulSearch, you are totally right to deal with your marriage separately and taking thing step by step. It sounds like you have a very close friendship.
    Our friendship is not solid and that is the hardest part for me to avoid seeing her now, as that may be step backwards.

    She may suspect my feelings maybe based on me taking care of her once in a while. But I doubt she knows, as it has been two and a half years since my confession and a fallout.

    I really wish you success in each step you take, you are being very smart about it..
     
    #9 Orchidea123, Apr 16, 2018
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2018
  10. Orchidea123

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    Hi @Zumba, she may be interested in women..Don't know for sure.. If she is, she is not out publicly.
    It is strange, but I hardly consider her orientation, which I still don't know.
    When I confessed, she never told me she is straight. And after that, I couldn't ask her because a) we avoided each other for a long time and b) if I did eventually ask, she might think I still have feelings for her.
    I check out certain types of women, but it is new for me. I've been straight entire life. So whatever has been going on in the last few years, is closely tied to her.
    I don't feel strongly that my feelings centered around orientation, more around a person.
    If she is not inclined to possibly being attracted to me, then this may be the biggest intuition failure.
    These are great questions, I'm just trying to take it day by day to be away from her.
    Tomorrow we are supposed to be at th sme place, and i am staying away.
     
  11. Orchidea123

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    She reminds me of no one lol. I am drawn to many good and bad qualities of hers. Bad ones just make her more intriguing.
    Just need to move on..
     
  12. Orchidea123

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    Thank you all for helping me brainstorm. I am inclined to think this is indeed is not the best situation.
    There is guilt not to see her tomorrow, as it is the usual day on our schedules to be in same place and interact. I want to let her know I won' be there, but can' bring myself to do so.. Just want to stay away.
     
  13. zumbaqueen

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    @Orchidea123 I think for yourself you have to determine if it is about this one woman or if it about how you feel towards all women and that could determine how you move forward with your own life. When this all started for me I was “content” with my husband and marriage until I fell so hard for her. My therapist asked me to think on that one time, is this about her only (and it really can be, you can just have that one person that you have a connection with of the same sex) That’s when I evaluated what I was thinking and thought wow this isn’t just about her, however that may be the case for you. I think it’s important for you to figure that out because this has been going on for me for close to three years, yes my friend knows now of my deep attraction to her, yes my husband knows and it still hurts every day when I see her. I asked my therapist why and when this would stop since I know I’m my head it can never be. She said that “we can’t help who we fall in love with or control those feelings, only our reactions to them and your still in love with her. Chances are you will continue to feel like this about her until you meet someone else you have a connection with” So even though I love my husband (but not romanticly) it doesn’t fulfill the longing I have to be with someone I connect with and it’s not fair of me to stay with him when I’m not emotionally connected to him. Just my thoughts.
     
  14. sparki

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    I understand how it feels to long and desire someone who is a close friend. The back and forth of emotion and heartache. Been married 30 years of which the last 6 have been an internal battle as my true nature surfaced the last two coming out to myself and others. There is much more to this story just know it is and will be an emotional rollercoaster as you sort things out and come to terms with your situation. It hurts when the situation changes and you are unable to act on your feelings and have them reciprocated. A few years back before I fully realized, I started to pull away and mustered up the courage to talk to her about our friendship. She drew me back in and the friendship continued. I just came out to said friend a month ago. It was difficult and she was very accepting. Ever since then I was able to let go of what never could be. I guess what I am saying is that until those difficult conversations are had the internal thoughts have a way of messing with your emotions.
     
  15. Orchidea123

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    @zumbaqueen - I've said that a while back, your situation and issues you've been dealing with are strikingly similar to mine.. Really glad you are taking it rationally and with patience.

    I've asked myself if I only like her, or all other women. Still can't figure this out, as my feelings are very strong for her, and she is unique. Though by process of elimination - there is strong trend of not liking men anymore..

    I think it's incredible to be in love and to not know who you are at this age.
    To meet another woman and to care about her deeply means that it may happen outside marriage..
    So what choices do I have? It's almost as even if I choose to make an effort to keep my marriage going, it is not to survive I follow my wishes..
     
    #15 Orchidea123, Apr 17, 2018
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2018
  16. Orchidea123

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    @sparki - thank you for your words.
    In real world the conversations do need to take place - totally agree with you. If I care about situation, there is no issue for me to speak up. I like to be on same page as much as I can esp. with a friend. And, it always works.

    Despite of past relationship succeses and failures, and final maturity, self confidence, marriage and kids, I've stumbled upon the biggest puzzle:
    I can not bring up myself to openly discuss anything regarding my journey and feelings.

    When I see her, it is as if I lose myself, and act by intertia - act in reaction to her mood, what she does for me or says.
    Because it is somewhat inconsistent, I have no trust in talking to her openly..

    The ball has been in her court for a long time..
     
    #16 Orchidea123, Apr 17, 2018
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2018
  17. Orchidea123

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    So today I managed to get my things done at work and home.
    It was very difficult not to go where she was. Knowing that I am avoiding possible pain and self doubt, helped me stay away.

    It's like holding a hammer above your hand and choosing finally to not swing it haha.
    I've been risking it for couple years, almost daily. Now consequence outweighs temptation.
    She did not check on me. Not that I am doing this to get reaction.
    Doing no contact to move forward, to be happy with myself, and to be content in life:thumbsup:
    Don't know how long I can keep going like this for, but being optimistic :neutral_face:
     
    #17 Orchidea123, Apr 17, 2018
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2018
  18. sparki

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    @Orchidea123 You’re welcome. Give yourself time and space. I am just starting to open up about my journey and feelings.
     
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  19. zumbaqueen

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    @Orchidea123 yes it is difficult to determine if it just about her. What I did was take some time to evaluate past feelings in other female friendships, I recognized that even for entertainment I was drawn to female singers and watched shows with female leads. Then I began to actually pay attention to who I was looking at in real life, and it wasn’t men. Maybe for now you need to try to not have your focus on her and what she is doing (and if you’ve read any of my posts I do recognize how difficult that can be) Then take the time to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. I do think that the reason there are so many people who discover who they are later in life is because we become more confident in ourselves and as we age we are not as concerned with what others think of us. And don’t put a time frame on anything. I had a good friend tell me “it will take as long as it takes” There is no need to pressure yourself to make a decision. Just take it one day at a time.
     
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  20. silverhalo

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    Hey @Orchidea123 sorry I'm a bit late to the thread. Big hugs all round.

    I agree with pretty much everything that has been said. I think you need to look at the marriage and the girl separately. Deep down how do you feel about your husband? I think it's important not to get wrapped up in how you used to feel about him, it doesn't really matter how you used to feel about him, it's how you feel now that's important, and it doesn't matter whether the girl sparked you to feel like this or whether you would have gotten to this point without her anyway, how you feel inside is important.

    Separately, is it just this girl or girls, I think more commonly it isn't just one girl but I'm not saying that it can't be that. I think often it's one girl who triggers something within us, or makes us realise something within ourselves. @zumbaqueen had some good advice about trying to look back at previous friendships etc or your trends in movies, tv shows and music tastes. When I first questioned my sexuality I was convinced there had never been any signs previously but the more I looked back, the more I saw, it's just at the time I hadn't noticed them, almost as though they were in a language I didn't yet understand and then someone handed me the translation.

    I'm curious, when you told her about how you felt before, what did she actually say?