Need hope

Oh well it's a good job that you moved on then haha. Sorry I shouldn't joke. I was only wondering because her response had a seemed a little vague before but that is fairly clear so that's cool.

This bold bit I think potentially holds a little weight. I mean scrap the bit about long hair and make up etc that really has no bearing on your sexuality, my girlfriend and I both have long hair, it definitely doesn't detract from my being gay.

For me I really struggled with identifying my attraction to girls and that is I think why it took me so long to figure out I was gay. I'm not saying you are gay though. For me I had a longing to be close to a friend, when I was a teenager what I wanted most was a best friend, one of those people who just gets you and you do everything together. I never specifically crushed on any of my friends in particular but I'm pretty sure now this was my Brian wanting a girlfriend but not realising it.

So if I said to you, you could date anyone in the world right now, apart from your friend who would you pick?

 

Yeah I think in these situations often the reason they are so difficult and complicated is that both people are trying to figure out where they stand and maybe she does feel something for you but is scared or doesn't want to/can't accept or pursue it, so she only tells you half the story. Or maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree completely.

If taking that manly role with your friend brings up such good memories, perhaps it is something you should let your mind consider further. I don't mean that you should question your gender but maybe your style and the way you act etc.

So your brain put down holding girls at arms length as they were competition for straight dating, are you sure this is the real reason? Out brains are very good at fooling us with a logical plausible excuse which on the surface looks true but actually isn't always the case. You can tell me to shut up but what if your brain realised some deeper underlying feelings for girls when you got closer to them, got scared and said to your concious mind, you don't need to get close to these people, they will only hinder your chances with a man, which is of course what you really want. I know it might seem far fetched and maybe I'm completely off the mark but I don't know it's just what came first to my mind when I read what you had written and so I thought I'd throw it out there.

So what qualities of hers do you think make you better?

Ok so let's say you sat outside a cafe and watched the world go by, who do you think would catch your eye? Guys, girls? Nobody?

 

Even though you are still married, is there anyway you can allow yourself to embrace these qualities you think you would like in a relationship with a woman and bring them into your current situation? I don't mean go out and flirt with women but with your husband can you take the lead and be more assertive? Regardless of your sexuality this kind of thing can be about finding and embracing the real you inside.

I don't think the way people present always tells you anything about the way they are or who they would want to be with. Someone who present more masculine on the outside does so because that's how they feel most comfortable. It doesn't mean that on the inside they aren't just waiting for someone to come and look after them.

Wow in a good way or a bad way?

Ok so what good qualities to you have to offer her or someone else?

But you would notice/watch girls, I think that there answers your questions about a lot, including whether or not it's just one girl.

 

Taking the lead can very much be a confidence thing so I think sometimes it takes us a while to grow into that. Not saying it's true but I guess there is another angle you could take that says deep down your subconscious knew that it wasn't really a man you wanted and so didn't want to make the effort to pursue. I mean being pursued as long as it is in a nice way is always flattering.

You would watch women, I don't think we need to wonder whether it is only one girl anymore.

 

Yes, indeed. You have this lady on such a pedestal she can do no wrong and your conscious mind is always defending any arguement with suggestions that nobody could ever compare to her, or that she is the only woman you could ever fall for, perhaps it is scared of what may happen if it opens up completely.

I think sometimes attraction can be misidentified or certainly for me was a little. I think when we think of attraction people often think about seeing someone and being completely drawn to them, imagining them naked or at least imagining kissing them etc, and don't get me wrong some people feel this, but I don't if I sat in the cafe as I suggested you do and watched the world go by, it would be the women who would catch my interest, no in a pervy check her out kind of way but more in an enquisitive way, it not even my conscious mind I don't think, some I would find more attractive than others in a purely aesthetic sense but for me true attraction only happens when I kind of get to know them a bit too and for me attraction is to the whole person and who they are. I think it is one reason it took me so long to figure out my sexuality.