My husband is transgender too...

As a gay male, I probably have no business commenting...but I can not help it.

I just wanted to repeat the personal story I know of a Female to male transgender who identified as a 'gay male', who had a a male partner for quiet sometime.

His partner realized that his identity is female, and decided to change to that.

My Gay Male friend (FtM), was completely shocked, and was unwilling and unable to compromise, and he felt this all came out of no where!.

"So you cant make it work at all", his response "NO!"

He terminated the relationship, with no feelings of guilt what so ever.


I don't know what am I trying to say here, obviously you have children, and you live up to the 'straight world standards', so the idea of compromise must be utilized. I would be an asshole if I say I understand, cause I have made a conscious decision no kids, cause I am not willing to commit to anything like that (if anything at all lol).

But what I am trying to repeat (I said that on Naunets post), the idea of you choosing to compromise or not should really come from you and what you are willing to put up with, in my irresponsible world, if I feel someone is not compromising with me, I treat them with the same...cruelty if I dare say.

It's hard to know what is acceptable to compromise in your situation I bet, when I read you have sons I was like oh boy 10x more complicated...but I respectfully say if you are trying to make things work with him (which you don't seem to be, which I personally don't blame you at all for), *she* needs to realize that...its not just her choice..she has a family now...sad as it is she is in this situation..if she is unwilling to be responsible and contribute on lifting some of the burdens of that...I personally think you should pursue what would give you more peace of mind.

Again it is not a LGBT right thing, to still commit to a partner who decided to change their gender (not to say the change was sudden to them, but it perceived as sudden to everyone around them), it is a personal choice in my humble ignorant opinion.

As for male role models for the kids..if not relatives..I dont know what to tell you...I have had many manly men growing up...and some how I still turned out gay, and not optimal in the eyes of what society thinks of men...so I don't know what is the ingredients of making a perfect man, but I would not obsess over it..cause no one does, and that is life...mostly always less than ideal.

Good luck to you and your wife.

 

I'm sorry, but I disagree with this part. I'm in the same situation. Married, 4 kids. Just realized I'm trans 6 months ago. Accepted it in the last month (s in stopped bargaining with myself). While I agree that she has to take her family into account, she also had to realize that it's an identity that we didn't choose. It's just there. What we trans people need to do is figure it out and figure out what we c can our need to do about it.

My wife and I are having the same problems. She thinks that by her "letting" me wear misses clothes that a compromise is struck. No. That's sufficient for some; that doesn't do it for me. helps, but it's putting a Band-Aid on a severed limb (for lack of a better, less graphic analogy). I'm going to require more than that. S much as the situation sucks, for all involved, it is what it is. Someone told me on this site "you (me) have to figure out what you need to do (about being trans). She (my wife) gets to decide if she can stay or not

 

I am gay myself and also have a friend that just went through this.

In the end she got divorced and they went their separate ways.

Do what's best for you/your children.

 

I don't think that "you have no business commenting". Trans people don't live in a golden cage or their own world, and it's always good to know what the problem looks like "from the other side".
And your comment was not bad at all. It must work for both and both of them have to work on that. It's never just about the needs of one partner.

 

This.

You've given great advice in this section before Kabool and this thread is no exception

---------- Post added 1st Mar 2014 at 03:45 PM ----------

As far as the whole "compromise" thing, this is one of those situations where compromise doesn't mean "meet in the middle", so much as "both partners figuring out what their needs are and being honest with each other about them even if it is scary". Compromise does not always mean sacrifice.

It's a little bit like... imagine you are allergic to shrimp, and your best friend really wants crab on pizza. Splitting it down the middle like you normally do won't work, you will still get sick if you eat the pizza that has no crab on it, since it's touching. The compromise here is instead to get two completely different pizzas.

That is not a metaphor for breaking up; some couples do survive that. I'm not for or against breaking up. What I'm saying, is I get everything I want, AND my friend gets everything they want.

Just that with this, it's not just wants. It's needs, especially since there is a kid involved.

It's a hard thing to learn, but even though we aren't together romantically, it is a lesson that has served my ex and I very, very well since we learned it. We don't really fight much at all any more, but we also don't avoid fights in unhealthy ways either.

 

Hey Overloadedlife,

As far as the situation between you. First of all this is terrifying! My ex went through the same thing that you are going through. I don't want you to feel like our sympathies are going to be with your partner. I said it in Naunet's thread (you can have conversations with her on her wall by the way, she has gone through what you are going through) and I will say it here. If your partner needs help, they can start their own thread. This thread is for you and supporting you.

I also want to mention that while we are not together, and she has in fact found another sex partner (I had some options myself but I am not comfortable enough with my body yet to have sex with pretty much anyone), she and I are still supporting each other while she looks for a job and we both date, and I don't think it is unreasonable at all to expect some help from your partner right now. This situation is completely unfair to both of you.

Coming out meant that I can be myself, I am no longer preventing her from experiencing what it is like with a real man, and I can find a partner that can treat me like a woman. It has been hell on us. I do regret not being more honest with myself and her sooner. But wallowing around in guilt doesn't get us out of the woods, and my going back into the closet and back to being her "man" did not help. Transition became the most honest and honorable thing I could do, even though at the same time it is selfish, because it means both of us leaving the situation we are in, which has included years of celibacy and her blaming herself for that and feeling ugly and inadequate. But I won't do it without considering her needs, because I did and still do love her.

One thing that has helped her more than anything in the world, and one thing I would really like to ask you to bring up with your partner, is when she was able to go back to her home state and talk with her family and friends. You can't do this alone and don't have to. Your partner does need a little bit of control over who knows; this is a safety issue. But you need to have someone to talk to about all this and, like you said, a shoulder to cry on that is not the source of your problem. So please, figure out a coming out strategy even if it is just one person?

My thoughts and heart are with both of you. You can get through this! And it might not feel like it, and I know you can't feel anything but sadness and loss for what could have been and what you worked so hard for right now. But believe me when I say, it is brighter on the other side for both of you.

 

I hadn't heard of the 'selfish stage' personally, but it certainly makes sense.

Imagine that ever since you were young, someone has been pushing you to be a certain way - that isn't how you really are inside. But you're given no option, no alternatives, just that one way. So you learn from an early age to hide who you are and put on that act. Over time, you even managed to fool yourself into thinking the mask was reality. But deep down, something still felt wrong.

And then, one day, you realize what's going on - what it is that feels so wrong. And now you know that doing that act will never be enough, that you will always feel this pain inside. The only way to be happy is to do the one thing that you were always told was impossible. And you realize (or find out, or whatever) that it's not impossible, and that other people have done it and they're happy now. And once this realization dawns, there's no going back.

Essentially, your 'husband' has been living the life others dictated, never what she really wanted. When she finally gives up the act, it makes sense to be focused on herself for awhile.

 

I was never quite in the same situation, but I dated women for a while, including one woman I do think I might have been content marrying even though I don't consider myself bisexual. She eventually came out to me as asexual and at first said she would marry me and be happy to have an open marriage. She eventually broke off the engagement because she decided she couldn't be happy being married to me even though she's my best friend.

I regretted letting her go for a long time, but I eventually got over it and am dating a fantastic man now.

 

I was raised by a single mom for the most part (my mom's parents helped out quite a bit).

I've never once in my life, thought not having a father figure made my life more difficult. Though, your kids upbringing will undeniably be different than most. Divorce is the norm, but knowing there dad is a woman, can get tricky. I don't have any experience, but I think it all comes down to raising your kids to be non-judgemental, and open minded.

I have a big respect for single moms, and would always be willing to help.

One other thing, I never caught my mom with a boyfriend or anything... I mean she rarely brought anyone home, I think that really helped me from getting "fucked up". Having a mom that was able to support herself and me, without having to rely on another man had to be a good thing for me.

 

Take it from a trans person: Sometimes we seriously just don't know. We struggle, get confused, and sometimes we get depressed. It can take years before we realize who we are. I personally just realized I'm trans last year. So to the person who said she should have said something about being trans sooner, there's a good chance that she didn't know or wasn't able to accept it before. So I don't appreciate the sentiment that she should have said something earlier. I didn't come out to my husband until after we got married because, you guessed it, I just didn't know. Once I came out to myself, there was no going back, and chances are, there won't be for her either. But don't feel bad. You two can get through this. You'll both just have to figure out what you can live with and what you can't. That's what my husband and I had to do once I came out.

 

This is so eloquently said. Beautiful and oh so true.

 

Sorry to be entering this tread late in the game but... I just want to say that I am 49 years old and came out last April to my wife of 21 years. We have two sons 18 and 15. My wife and I have gone through a lot in our 24 year relationship and obviously, a ton in the last year. She has gone from 100% staying to 100% leaving and back again. Her take is that she loves ME. There is no part of me that is very macho. I sure tried like hell to be a guy, but was miserable and failed at it. My non macho personna is what part of what she was attracted to. I am not saying that all is perfect by any means, but we have a new level of intimacy in our relationship that we never had before.
My kids have been 100% supportive since day one. They go to PFLAG meetings and my older boy has gone to Trans* group meetings with me as well. Shortly after I came out to them they asked if they could call me Moppa (combination of Momma and Papa) and it has just stuck.
We are all a work in progress, and as I continue to transition physically I am sure that more challenges will come at us, but we are commited to the vows we stated back in 1992. And want to stay together as a family.

 

I am afraid I am pretty late but... welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story

 

Yes to this! ................. Imagine that ever since you were young, someone has been pushing you to be a certain way - that isn't how you really are inside. But you're given no option, no alternatives, just that one way. So you learn from an early age to hide who you are and put on that act. Over time, you even managed to fool yourself into thinking the mask was reality. But deep down, something still felt wrong.

And then, one day, you realize what's going on - what it is that feels so wrong. And now you know that doing that act will never be enough, that you will always feel this pain inside. The only way to be happy is to do the one thing that you were always told was impossible. And you realize (or find out, or whatever) that it's not impossible, and that other people have done it and they're happy now. And once this realization dawns, there's no going back.

Essentially, your 'husband' has been living the life others dictated, never what she really wanted. When she finally gives up the act, it makes sense to be focused on herself for awhile.[/QUOTE]

Love this!

Yes my Ex husband is now very happy. She explained it to me simply.... she always loved dancing and would be in the center of the ring at any party. She said when she awakes each morning it feels just like that, just like dancing. (!) Being true to herself, finally.

 

"She".