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More Drama with Mother

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Revan, Mar 11, 2011.

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  1. Ianthe

    Ianthe
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    Ah. In that case, I would say that she needs to see things from your "frame."

    Sexuality is innate. Religion is a "life decision."

    Take her to PFLAG, if you can.
     
    #81 Ianthe, Mar 25, 2011
  2. stageone

    stageone
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    Wait... who's being self-righteous? Wouldn't it be cool if her world was all-inclusive?
     
    #82 stageone, Mar 25, 2011
  3. Revan

    Revan
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    Yeah I know. I also wish Dad only jumped in when he felt he needed to...otherwise he just stays silent...
     
    #83 Revan, Mar 25, 2011
  4. Revan

    Revan
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    So an update for everyone:
    My mother is more or less getting use to the idea. She seems to have dropped the whole me telling my cousin, but I don't know how to tell her everyone else knows without it starting it up again. My aunt is pressuring me to tell her, but I'm kinda just like screw it, if she finds out from them, so be it, after all most of them found out their own way, not from me telling them...
    The other thing is that while Mom isn't forcing me back in the closet, like she's accepting I'm gay, at the same time, she's effectively said "don't tell anyone else anymore". So yeah. She's kinda still saying don't be yourself. Oh and apparently she has issues with my BF going to Vancouver on his own, saying no mother would let their son go to Vancouver alone :S -_-. It's like, no that's just you Mom. And before you say it's Mom actually worrying about my boyfriend, not sure it is. She basically said "oh him going and his mom allowing him? That's a red flag right there." (Red flag to her means it's suspicious to her -_-
     
    #84 Revan, Mar 29, 2011
  5. alexi12

    alexi12 Guest

    I'm surprised she is so worried about him going away alone. I would understand if he was my age (17), but I'm guessing he isn't.

    I think the sooner you tell your mom that everyone knows, the better. She most likely won't take it well initially, but she'll just be more upset when she finds out later. I wouldn't keep waiting much longer.
     
    #85 alexi12, Mar 30, 2011
  6. Beachboi92

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    Revan you have the patience of a saint... i would have had my mom in a choke hold by now, or at least in a screaming fit while i went crazy on her, i applaud you xD
     
    #86 Beachboi92, Mar 30, 2011
  7. Revan

    Revan
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    Thanks. And yeah I know, but its just kinda like...they can tell her. Most of them, minus one aunt, figured it out without me telling them, so why is it up to me to tell my mother that they know?

    Also quick question, and I know it's weird, but is there like any form of accurate research about lymphoma being more prominent in the gay community? (this one is kinda more hopefully something Kara could answer). My Mom says she did "research" and said she found info saying that lymphoma is more prominent in the community which I think is bs. I mean maybe in those infected with HIV/AIDS, because as many of you know, swollen lymph nodes are also one of the first signs of infection. But just in a regular, healthy gay man, I highly doubt there is ANYTHING that shows or proves a higher prominence of gay men contracting lymphoma. I just kinda want to find proof for my mother, because I've searched "gay men + lymphoma" among other combinations or questions, and found nothing but info about HIV/AIDS lol...so any help would be lovely.
     
    #87 Revan, Mar 30, 2011
  8. Beachboi92

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    ask her for a link to the study or information. If she can't provide it to you then point out the fail. If lymphoma is in fact higher in those with HIV/AIDS then it would therefore make sense that it would be more likely to occur in groups that are more likely to be infected. The funny thing about that is that the highest infection rates for those are women around their 20's and 40's i believe xD

    I'd have a discussion with your mother about this stuff though. Let her know that you don't appreciate her trying to find problems with you being gay everywhere she looks and tell her to try looking up the positive for once. Things like
    - LGBT on average make more money than straight people
    - LGBT people raise better, more accepting, well tempered, happy kids
    - LGBT people have a higher standard of living on average
    - LGBT people are better tempered than most
    you know stuff like that
     
    #88 Beachboi92, Mar 31, 2011
  9. Revan

    Revan
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    Yeah, though she'll probably scoff at the first. She was complaining how her board is hiring more gay men and women to make themselves look "more accepting". And it's like actually that is why they are doing that but also because THEY ARE becoming more accepting, and she's just looking foolish for not letting it all go.
     
    #89 Revan, Mar 31, 2011
  10. Revan

    Revan
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    So another update: My mother was on the phone crying today because apparently I'm driving her to an early grave. My aunt has basically betrayed me, same with my cousin, and basically took everything I told her (which I shouldn't have) and attacked my mother with it. I'm just so frustrated, angry and sad right now...
     
    #90 Revan, Apr 2, 2011
  11. alexi12

    alexi12 Guest

    So does your mom know that you told them already? I'm assuming yes...

    I'm sorry to hear about your aunt and cousin. That's upseting that they just told her when you told them not to tell her. Hopefully their intentions were at least good intentions. Maybe they just wanted to tell her so you wouldn't have to hide that from her, or so that she could realize that it isn't a big deal that other people know. Either way, hopefully this helps things out in the future with your mom.

    Would it help if you could talk to your aunt about your concerns? It doesn't seem fair at all for her to tell your mom what she said, and quite possibly your aunt is trying to tell her for the better.

    Hope things start to get better (*hug*)
     
    #91 alexi12, Apr 2, 2011
  12. Revan

    Revan
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    I don't know if I should at this time, because I'm ready to just scream and yell and curse at both of them for doing what they did. They stabbed not just me in the back, but more importantly my mother. No one, I mean NO ONE, attacks my mother.
     
    #92 Revan, Apr 3, 2011
  13. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Hi there! I think it is high time that you have a sit down with everyone involved so to speak. It is your life, and you should be the one being in charge here. Not your aunt, your cousin, or someone else. Sit down with your mum, with aunt and your cousin.

    If you are ready to scream and yell, it is time you sit down with them and talk to them. The talk to your mom. Face to face!
     
    #93 Mirko, Apr 3, 2011
  14. Revan

    Revan
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    I know it might be the wrong place, but I almost feel like I need to meet with all of them with a therapist, there is a LOT of things going on that needs help, and frankly I almost wonder if my mother is bipolar tbh with her ups and downs....and so much trust issues in this family. My aunt called my mother out on trust issues but its clear she has trust issues of her own if she has to take things I tell her in confidence and she goes and uses it to attack Mom.
     
    #94 Revan, Apr 3, 2011
  15. Mirko

    Mirko
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    That might be the case, but you have touched on something important here, i.e. "there is a LOT of things going on that needs help." But the only way to begin to address your concerns and everyone else's will involve you sitting down with them before you even consider seeing a therapist with them. There is no way around it. There are a few steps you need to take before that. Also, you need to be prepared for the possibility that you might be the only one thinking that seeing a therapist is a good idea.

    Start by addressing one issue that you feel is the most important issue to you at the moment. I think it is time for you to lay it all out. It doesn't matter if you have done it before, or if you have tried it and it didn't go anywhere. Listen to what your mom has to say and then respond in the best way you can.

    I would do it sooner rather than later. (*hug*)
     
    #95 Mirko, Apr 3, 2011
  16. Beachboi92

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    just to be clear are you sure your aunt and cousin didn't go after her because they are seeing how fucked up she is acting towards you? In all honesty if i was your relative and i heard this stuff and was in contact with your mom i would have lost my god damn mind on her. Are you positive that it was really as malicious as you may have heard it was from your mom? I know you are trying to be soft with her and give her time and stuff but at some point you may have to take a hard stance, some people will not learn any other way.

    For example i think you should drag her ass to a PFLAG meeting even if it means you tell her your going to lunch and just drive to it instead xD She is being very very selfish and acting like a lunatic imo. I'm sure you love your mom but you need to give her a dose of how you really feel and don't let her turn it around and try and put the focus on her.

    You are the one that lived in a homophobic environment where your parents basically told you they hated what you where. You have to face the stigma in the real world, you have to face the discrimination. You've had to sit around and take crazy shit from your mother while trying to play nice and watch her turn all of your problems into her problems without any real consideration for you. If you keep bottling stuff up and letting her treat you like this you are going to go mad, you need to stand up for yourself. My 2 cents based on what ive heard take it or leave it.
     
    #96 Beachboi92, Apr 3, 2011
  17. Revan

    Revan
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    My aunt responded that was what she did, but I still am slightly mad. I mean I probably shouldn't have told the part about my brother and mom argument, that's between us. But see with the gay thing, my aunt from my understanding put a spin on "you lied about Sean" and Mom said "well i only just found out myself" and Fiona apparently said "you're the most dishonest person I know" >_> So I almost think those two need therapy too -_- It's been this way most of my life. They go after each other when they're is something "wrong"
     
    #97 Revan, Apr 4, 2011
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