1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Maybe "wanting" to be gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by skloorrpt, May 7, 2020.

  1. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi,

    For some background I'm a 22 year old guy that has been feeling pretty confused about my sexuality for a little over a year now. Sometimes I feel like I'm coming to some conclusion, but I inevitably start to second guess myself again shortly after. There are times where I almost feel sure I could be gay, but then something happens that makes me worry I'm straight. The thing is a lot of the time I kind of feel like I want to be gay. I kind of worry that I'm just faking it though. I guess I wanted to give some reasons why and see what other people might think. I know no one else can tell me what MY sexual orientation is, but it's just nice to get some of this off my chest and maybe get advice from someone else.

    The first reason I feel like I might want to be gay is because I just want to feel like there is something unique or special or different about me. I don't really think I've developed an identity for myself, and I wonder if this is just me desiring that. I know even if I am gay it shouldn't be my whole personality, but I feel like it could just be something that sets me apart a little.

    Another reason is because of my upbringing. I was raised Catholic, and I worry that this could just be a way of saying "fuck you" to the way I was raised. I don't think religion ever really did anything for me. Obviously I'm not Catholic anymore, but I think this still causing trouble for me as I think it only ever made me feel guilty about myself. Even though I would never think of doing it at this point, the idea of coming out and maybe shocking everyone I know kind of makes me laugh. I guess these first two are pretty shitty, disingenuous reasons to "want" to be gay.

    The third reason I worry I might just want to be gay is that I think I might have some feelings for a close friend of mine. I'm not that close with anyone else anymore. He's really my only friend at this point. I mean, he's my closest friend, and he's the only person I've opened up to about this even though it was just a tiny bit, and I definitely didn't mention the part about him. I guess I just worry that I'm confusing that closeness for some other feeling and I hope I'm gay just because he seems like he might be the only person I feel something for at the moment. To be honest something about the idea of us in a relationship kind of makes me feel happy some times, it can be a little weird at others though. Some

    I guess the final reason I feel like I might want to be gay is that I'm not really sure if I've ever felt anything for a woman, not that I'm sure have for men either, aside from whatever it is I feel for my friend. I always thought that I was "attracted" to women, but to be honest I can't remember a time it was ever very strong or super obvious. I remember having a "crush" on a girl as early as kindergarten, but I think I just sort of thought she was cute, and I'm not sure that the way I feel about women has evolved much more than that. I guess what I mean by all that is maybe I just haven't felt anything like that for women just because I could be gay. And maybe, if I am, once I realize that I'll finally be able to feel something that I can for sure recognize as a normal, healthy attraction.

    This last part isn't really a reason I want to be gay, it's more just a worry that all of this confusion is for nothing. I've heard of sexual orientation OCD and sometimes I wonder all of this could just be that. I'm pretty sure I don't have and I don't want to claim I do because I know it can be a very serious condition. I don't really fear being gay, I think I would get used to it, and could be happy with it once I got used to it. However, my sexuality is definitely something I've been obsessing about since I started questioning myself. It's one of the only things I think about if I'm not distracted by something else. When I first started wondering if I could be gay, it was strange and different, but now the idea that I might not be gay seems like it's almost more anxiety inducing and depressing whenever I'm feeling "more straight".

    This is getting a bit long, so I think I'll wrap it up. I appreciate it if you read this far!
     
  2. 10 5 gang

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2020
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Tulsa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    What do you think about when your horny?
     
  3. gravechild

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2013
    Messages:
    3,368
    Likes Received:
    95
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Its pretty rare for a straight person to genuinely "want" to be gay (aside from joking about gay men/lesbians having it "easier" in some way). On the other hand, its pretty common for a gay person to want to be able to accept themselves as such.

    Wanting to feel special is one thing, but there are things more extraordinary than simply being gay. In fact, many would tell you they're perfectly boring: wake up, eat breakfast, go to school or work, etc.

    Stories about falling for same-sex friends are quite common on these forums. I don't think learning about yourself is ever a waste of time. Personally, I've gone through similar struggles, and have finally settled on bisexual/pansexual.
     
    BiGemini87 likes this.
  4. BiGemini87

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    426
    Likes Received:
    272
    Location:
    Petawawa, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hello, skloorrpt!

    It sounds like you're overthinking things a bit--which I get. I do it all the time, too. :slight_smile: I guess what you really need to ask yourself or try to be more aware of is: what do you feel around other people? Have you ever experienced sexual attraction for another person, girl or guy? Have you had sexual fantasies about either/or? I could be wrong (it might be that you have specific types and just haven't found anyone--excepting, maybe, your friend if that's what those feelings are) but I'm getting asexual vibes from your post. I know a few ace people who had a hard time figuring out their orientations as well, because being ace tends to block a lot (sometimes all) of the sexual attraction aspect of their general physical/emotional attractions to people.

    It's important to be honest with yourself, and moreover, to try and stem any feelings of shame or guilt along the way. In this case, you're afraid you might be "faking it" to feel unique. I think you know a person's uniqueness goes beyond their orientation; heterosexual people are no less unique for being hetero, as a person's orientation shouldn't define them. It's a part of them, yes--but it's merely one piece of a multi-faceted whole. :slight_smile:

    As for your potential feelings for your friend... I'd say give it some serious thought, examine the way you feel around him and the kinds of thoughts you have regarding him, the frequency with which you think of him, and the kinds of things you focus on about his appearance, personality, etc.

    I hope this is of some help to you. Take as much time as you need; there's no rush.
     
    gravechild likes this.
  5. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I guess lately it's been men. Sometimes I wonder if that's just like a way of experimenting though.

    Maybe it's worth saying that when I first discovered porn it was always straight. Now my taste in porn isn't exactly normal. I'm kind of embarrassed by it, but I guess this is anonymous so I might as well say. At some point I found furry porn, and I liked that and that was always straight at first too. Once I found the gay stuff I kind of liked it and I started to watch more gay stuff than straight. I kind of wonder if I just like gay furry stuff. This was even a while before I started questioning myself. I guess at the very least it was maybe a way to explore my sexuality a bit, but it's still something I'm embarrassed about.

    I have watched actual gay porn, not till pretty recently. Maybe a little under a year ago was the first time. I guess it works for me, but one thing I think is a little weird is that it can still be a little strange if I can see the guys faces. It's almost like I prefer male genitals and maybe body, but maybe find women's faces more aesthetically pleasing.

    Anyways sorry for a complicated answer to such a simple question.
     
  6. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I'm not sure if I do genuinely want to be gay. Sometimes I just feel like maybe I am and it seems like it could be kind of nice. To be honest I've almost always felt a little different than other people when it comes to my sexuality. I thought that was just because I seem to be less sexual than most people, especially guys. Now I kind of wonder if that's just because I might not actually be straight.

    There were a couple of things that I didn't mention in my post. One is that my friend is gay. I didn't really start questioning myself till a while after came out and he's actually the main reason I did. There was one time he mentioned something implying that he had sex with someone. I reacted sort of weird, and I was surprised about it. I guess it was maybe jealousy or just sadness for some reason, and that is kind of why I started wondering if I could be gay. Lately it does seem like I'm probably not 100% straight, and I think I might just be feeling this way because I need to come to terms with that, but I'm really not sure of anything.
     
    gravechild likes this.
  7. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    To be honest I typically feel awkward or anxious around people depending on how well I know them. Sometime I can even know someone pretty well and still feel a little awkward. I guess I have self confidence issues that play into this as well.
    When it comes to sexual attraction I'm not sure. I can look at people and think that they are cute or at the very least know that they are attractive. I can have sexual fantasies, and lately I like to think about guys I guess, but I don't know if that's just my way of experimenting a bit without actually doing anything with anyone.
    I've heard of asexuality. I'm pretty hesitant to accept that for a couple reasons. The first being that I feel like there could just be something else like depression or something getting in the way of me figuring any of this out or experiencing sexual attraction like I should. The second reason is that I REALLY don't want to be asexual. I know it's not a choice, and I don't mean any offense to anyone who actually is. It's just in my mind that is the worst possible outcome to all of this confusion. The idea just scares the hell out of me to be honest. I guess I just feel like I want to experience normal sexual attraction to SOMEONE. I already feel like I'm different, but if I'm ace it would just be too much I think.
    I know uniqueness goes past sexual orientation. I guess I have some issues with sense of self. I'm not even entirely sure what I mean by wanting to feel unique. Maybe I just mean I want to fit in more with my friend, I didn't mention this in the post, but he is gay.
    As for how I feel about him, I tend to feel better when we get the chance to hang out or even just talk. I guess I haven't been feeling great for the last couple years, especially since all this started so maybe it's just nice to be around someone I know at least somewhat enjoys my company an I enjoy theirs. I guess it's just nice to be around him. There have been a couple of times where I've felt like I almost wouldn't mind snuggling up to him (I guess that sounds pretty gay now that I type it out), but I'm not sure how I'd handle that if it actually happened. I do think about him pretty often, but I wonder if that's just because he's one of my only friends. I'm not sure what I focus on exactly, personality more I suppose. Not that he's bad looking or anything.
    I do appreciate your reply. I kind of feel like I have been in my own head with this lately so it's nice to get it off my chest and get some outside advice. I know there's no rush, but it just makes me feel pretty abnormal and I'm kind of sick of that. I'd like to figure myself out and try being in a relationship as I've been feeling pretty lonely lately. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond!
     
    BiGemini87 likes this.
  8. BiGemini87

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    426
    Likes Received:
    272
    Location:
    Petawawa, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    @skloorrpt No problem, I'm happy to help if/when I can. I hope you're able to work through this, and that when you do, you'll be happier for it. :slight_smile:

    You mentioned before that you've confided some of this to your friend? While everyone's experiences are different, perhaps something of yours parallels his own and he can shed some light on things. If not, there's bound to be someone in the EC community that can at the very least give you a nudge in the right direction. ^^ I know it's hard, but try not to be impatient with yourself. Life can be difficult enough to navigate without being hard on ourselves on top of everything.
     
  9. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Well basically all I told him was that I don't know if I'm gay or not. We were out drinking one night and I mentioned it, but we didn't really get a chance to talk about it because I basically brought it up as his ride was waiting outside.

    I think we probably would have at least a little in common when it comes to this. I kind of do want to talk about it with him, but I have trouble bringing it up. It's an awkward topic for me, which is probably why I waited so long the night I did tell him. I don't really know how to bring it up comfortably. It's an awkward and embarrassing thing for me to talk about, even though I know there would be no judgement from him.

    I think I'll definitely read some of the other threads here and maybe make a few more if I feel like I need to. Unfortunately I'm kind of an impatient person to begin with lol, but I'll try to keep that in mind.
     
    BiGemini87 likes this.
  10. Archer22

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2020
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Nigeria
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    This is great, and as someone said, earlier, pretty rare. So have you wondered if you were just... Bi?
     
  11. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I have wondered. I think it seems like I'm definitely at least bi. I'm just a little worried that if I'm bi, I might always feel a little confused about it.
     
  12. Archer22

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2020
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Nigeria
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I understand. I think I'm bi too. But I don't really know which side of me focuses on which sex more than the other if you know what i mean. Just give it time, you'll figure it out.
     
  13. Rin311

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2015
    Messages:
    259
    Likes Received:
    142
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think that in your situation - when you’re not sure about your orientation and that makes you anxious - wanting to be gay (or straight / bi / whatever) is understandable. Being gay would end your confusion, answer you questions, and calm you down. There you have it, The Answer.
    Life’s not that simple, though. We work with what we get.

    A common advice here on EC is to lay off the porn for a while and start fantasizing on your own again. Just you and your inner world. Eventually, you will see a pattern/tendency towards a certain gender (or both) in your fantasies.
    Take care.
     
    BiGemini87 and Archer22 like this.
  14. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    The thing is that I worry that might just be the reason I want to be gay, and maybe I'm actually not.
    I have been thinking I should lay off the porn forba while. I stopped a few days ago.
     
  15. Kwekie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2017
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    30
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    can only speak from my own experience so maybe this lines up with you maybe not:

    when i was younger, somewhere deep down i knew. but i buried that in such a way that in came out, when i was young, as: i would watch will and grace with my mom, and kind of have an embarrassed giggle-feeling of similarity with the characters. I remember feeling a bit angry at smithers on simpsons, feeling insulted in someway i wasnt willing to acknowledge. I remember liking the one gay guy homer bonds with, again, in a similar feeling of affiliation. fast forward years and im deeply closeted and hate myself, feel no attraction to men consciously, but: I still felt a sense of affection towards gay guys [im an allie!] or even a longing to be gay. Originally i interpreted these thoughts as desperation from dating women being difficult, that kind of thing.

    In a way i guess i had to first come to terms with and fall in love with the idea of being gay before i was comfortable enough to apply it to myself? gradually i got more attracted to guys and that ol' sense of affiliation grew until it became pretty clear that i was just fucking with myself for years under layers of repression.

    *one thing i remember in particular is thinking that i wished my best friend in hs was a girl so that i could fuck him. lol

    edit: hell i even watched brokeback mountain and my heart melted for it in a way unlike other romance films, and i still wasnt allowing myself to be attracted to men. LOTS of guys on here have posted variations on the thought of, maybe im not really gay im just tricking myself, maybe its only a porn fetish, etc etc. I would never kiss a guy on the lips! repression can go deep.
     
    #15 Kwekie, May 19, 2020
    Last edited: May 19, 2020
  16. Kwekie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2017
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    30
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    i had this cycle when i was in my early 20's. fell in love with my best friend that i spent all my time on, constantly stopped watching porn because i was convinced the depraved over exposure was behind everything, including trapping me in a desperation-cycle where i needed affection from anyone i could get. I was bullshitting myself.

    when i was a kid i had crushes on girls. when i was a teenager i got aroused by girls like mad, and would masturbate to them-- but then it started to fade and i had to look for kinks, or any girl i would try to pursue just sort of irritated me or was off putting in some way. i quickly curdled into a bit of a mysognist and never really had any strong emotional or physical feelings for girls that, in retrospect, i could isolate as distinct from the heat of puberty.

    one thing you might want to consider is that, men are extremely visual creatures [and obviously pretty horny when young], if you combine that with a society that tells you to look for women, the fact that many women are sexualized and obviously attractive, it might be the case that your past or even current feelings of heterosexuality are just, like, pale imitations of your genuine capacity for these things.

    in other words, youve been worrying that maybe your so starved that youve been looking at men instead of women like you should be. but its possible that your starved because women werent for you, and your starting to look where you should have the entire time.

    edit: it can be difficult to discern the difference between erotic and sexual interest, and when your young all you need is something to slam.
     
    #16 Kwekie, May 19, 2020
    Last edited: May 19, 2020
  17. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I can definitely relate to some of what you said. I don't think I would say that I knew from a young age, but I think I have known that I feel a little differently about sex/sexuality than most people do. I think that has sort of been known to me since I was around 14 or 15. Around late 16 early 17 I remember having a kind of gay dream and it sent me into a mini crisis. Maybe around a month later I can pretty distinctly remember thinking to myself "Maybe I'm bi. If I am I'll just have to find a girlfriend." If I am gay, which is seeming more and more likely, I'm definitely deeply closeted and pretty repressed.

    I definitely used to be a little homophobic, which I hate to admit, but I think it was just a result of how I interpreted my Catholic upbringing. Now I'd at the very least consider myself an ally. I understand the affection you talk about and obviously some sort of desire to be gay, hence the title of this thread. I do think that this could just be a step in the process of coming to terms with the fact that I might not be straight.

    I can also remember having some crushes on girls when I was younger. I would only masturbate to women when I first started probably around 14. Now, I sort of understand what you mean about something about women I'm "attracted" to being slightly off-putting. When it comes to sex now, I seem to be a little more interested in the idea of doing it with a dude. The thing is I would say that I find women more aesthetically pleasing than men. I can't really say for sure if I've ever felt attracted to a guy, but there are a couple of times I've wondered. Like you said though I do worry that maybe I'm just starved for physical intimacy that I just don't care who it comes from anymore. However, I am starting to think that the way I feel about my friend is a little more than just friendship. I actually made another post yesterday about something that happened between us that has to do with that.

    I can actually relate to a lot of the stuff you said. Thanks for taking the time to read this whole thing and respond. Sorry for firing back at you with such a long reply. lol
     
    #17 skloorrpt, May 22, 2020
    Last edited: May 22, 2020
    Archer22 likes this.
  18. Spatula

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2012
    Messages:
    832
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Southeast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Your story is very common among furries. I know several that started out straight, then shifted gayer over the course of several years. When I was in the process of shifting from thinking I was just a very open minded straight man to permanently queer in some way, I went through a period of intense rumination that lasted several months. Fluctuations in my attractions became very strong during this time as I became hyper-aware of them, and the really straight moods I had were depressing for me as well, because I had already come out to everyone and spent so much emotional energy on rethinking my life.

    Most of the problems you have with your uncertainty and fear of being an imposter will evaporate with more experience. Just keep at it, you'll figure it out.
     
    #18 Spatula, Jun 14, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2020
  19. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I know it's not that abnormal in the furry fandom. In fact, to me, it seems like a pretty small percentage of furries are actually straight. To be honest though I've never been super comfortable with the fact that I am a furry, it's something I feel kind of shameful about even though I'm one of the only people that knows.
    I think I might be in that "just thinking I'm open minded" stage. I suppose I used to be a little homophobic, which I'm not happy about, but I feel like some of that might still stick with me and I wish I could get over it because I sometimes think I still have a stereotypical view of what being gay/bi is.
    I'm probably in that hyper-aware fluctuating mode right now. That's a pretty good way of describing how I feel some days. I haven't really come out to anyone, but sometimes, I still feel worried when I wonder if I could just be straight.
    Thanks for your response, it's some of the first advice I've had from someone who was in a similar situation to me in terms of the whole furry thing. It's nice to hear from someone else who's been through this. I hope I figure it out with time too, I just wish it didn't have to take so long. Thanks again!