Married, pregnant, but secretly gay

Hey @Jaywilk

That’s really rough. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to? To let off some steam so you don’t burst, per se. Not that you can’t come here and vent or rant or whatever you need but sometimes, someone you can have a proper conversation with can be really helpful. Perhaps therapy to help you navigate this?

Does he know how you feel? Do you have reason to believe he won’t be supportive? I read something recently about staying in a relationship “for the children” (not in the context of one of them being gay but I think it applies). The person said that even if the parents act like everything is normal, the kids still pick up how the parents react in situations and they internalize how they’re supposed to “give in” to situations that aren’t good for their mental health, etc. I know you didn’t mention your children in this way but it’s something to think about. I’m sure you want to model behaviour you’d like your kids to adopt in their own relationships going forward.

Just a thought. :}

Stick around. There are lots of stories of people exiting their relationships and succeeding where they never thought they could.

Welcome to EC, btw.

 

Hi Jaywilk,
I can slightly empathise with you. And my heart breaks for you. I am bi and married to a man who I love and I wouldn’t want to hurt him. We have children, and I love my place in the world very much, but there is a large part of me that would love a relationship with a woman. I have no advice for you as I’m a slightly different position. I’m here for you if you want to chat.

 

Do you think that you are gay or bisexual? You have been with him for 13 years, was all of that forced by heteronormativity? Is this the first time that you have been dissatisfied with your marriage? Of the 13 years that you have been together how much of it have you been married? All relationships have an ebb and flow, you should examine whether your dissatisfaction happened before or after you realized your feelings for her. Many people leave their marriages to be with another person only to find that does not make things better.

Staying with someone because "it is what you are supposed to do" is actually harmful to everyone in the end (I have done this before and it was a disaster for everyone). Your husband deserves to be with someone who really wants to be with him because they want to be with him not just because it is the socially approved thing to do. You also deserve to be with someone that is a good fit. The children also deserve to have happy well adjusted parents, living with unhappy parents together is worse than living with happy parents who are apart.

I have felt this way about several relationships, they ended anyway. I survived and everyone would have been better off if the relationships had ended earlier.

You can and will hurt him, people in relationships hurt each other. Ending a relationship does hurt but being with someone that you should not be with hurts more and it hurts longer.

I personally believe that we only get one chance at life and that we need to do the best that we can with the life that we have.

 

Agree with everything you said here QuietPeace.

 

Yes I felt worried about that too when I came out to my husband, but as I’m bi, I sugar coated it with the fact I had chosen him out of every human adult on the planet!
I don’t have any magic answers for you, but always here to chat.

 

I am still with him, he took it well. I was so worried about his reaction but was going to burst if I didn’t tell him. Funnily enough the first question he asked me was ‘who do I fancy’! Sometimes I’ll point out a beautiful person to him and he’ll agree. I would never want to hurt him, so unless he leaves me or does something really awful to me I won’t leave him.

 

I also don’t think we can private message as we aren’t full members.

 

Well you can try but I think it will make you poorly in the end. Denying yourself who you truly are is soul destroying. Could you talk to your husband a little bit, maybe vaguely and see what his opinion is on all things LGBTQIA+?

 

I know you don’t want to hurt him but in all honesty not telling him is. I know it is even harder that you’re also pregnant.
Is there a lgbt service you could access?

 

If you’re in cotswold in Australia, we have Qlife.

 

You said you’ve been with your husband for 13 years. Is it possible he may of caught on to this that you have had these feelings in the past? I mean 13 years is a long time together.

 

A lot of people when talking about such things use "met up with the woman" to really mean "had sex with the woman", is that what you are saying? If so, do you really think that cheating on your husband is nicer than leaving? I have been cheated on, leaving is much nicer.