Married and questioning

Be true to yourself. There’s nothing easy about breaking up a family, but staying this way is also hard.

 

Welcome aboard.

I’m a man in my 40s that was living the straight life, and I too was scared as all hell to join and post here when I began. It was admitting way more than I wanted to admit to myself. It’s a step in the right direction though. Just being able to voice what’s on my mind and hear from others has been worth its weight in gold. It’s given me the courage to come out to family and one friend so far, and to have a glimpse of a future where I can be what I want. I think you’ll see it has many benefits. So again, welcome.

I don’t have kids at home or a spouse, so I can’t help you with advice there. I just want to share something about keeping a family together for the sake of kids that may give you something to think about: I have two sets of friends, both started dating during college and then got married and had kids. Both couples fell out of love along the way but stayed together for the kids. And finally both ended up divorcing once the kids themselves left for college. Neither marriage was by any means awful, just not loving.

Both couple’s grown children have recently told them the same things. That they grew up happy, but with a skewed idea of what husband/wife love was based on what they saw at home. The kids all picked up on the fact that their parents didn’t act the same way towards one another that their friends’ parents did. In hindsight the kids all wished that their parents would’ve moved on years ago so the kids could’ve seen them happier. Basically the kids felt more guilty and sad than grateful that their parents stuck it out and missed a decade of what could’ve been happiness of their own.

I know, everyobe’s situations are unique, and this might not fit in yours at all, I just wanted to share that sometimes what parents do in the best interest of their kids turns out not to be best in the big picture.

I’m sure some others will have good advice with very similar situations. Good luck.

 

I'm in same situation I'm 38 been married 12 year got 2 children and i admitted to myself a few months ago om gay. Im not ready to tell my husband and upset the family so for now I'm staying wit him but it's hard so i feel your pain

 

Hi. I'm 33 years old, was married for 8 years, and finally found the courage to divorce my exhusband. The divorce was just granted recently and I felt relieved that it's finally done. I'm bisexual, but has feelings more for women. I didnt tell my ex about who I really am as I dont see the reason to do so. Plus I'm still closeted anyway. I guess I just dont want him or other people saying that I was gay that's why I divorced him. That could be one of my reasons but not the major one.

 

Ive questioned if i am 100 per cent gay or just don't like sex but im more relaxed wit female company and i have feelings for another woman shes stight so i know nothing will come of it.

 

Ive just got to find a way to make it ok for now so please feel free to talk to me if struggling we could help each other x

 

I stayed married for years...it became unfair to both of us.. same story almost... I finalef broke away and even though I am not In a Relationship... I am Happy
..
I Love ME first time ever
Never told Ex

 

I think you have to take any journey a step at a time, the first step I would imagine is to acknowledge the attraction to the same sex, the next step perhaps accept that part of who you are, maybe step three is to tell you partner or husband or come out to a friend, I don't think you can really plan the steps that are far in the future until you have worked on those closer to home. Everyone's journey will be different but lots will have similarities. I think most important is listening to your inner voice and what it is telling you.

 

Hey SoulSearch -- yeah, there are a bunch of us here in the same boat! This is an amazingly supportive site -- you've come to the right place. Everyone's circumstances are special, and you're in the driver's seat for yours. For me, just communicating with other people has been immensely helpful, and I realized I didn't need to rush into anything. I have been more open and honest here on Empty Closets than anytime or anywhere else in my life. I came out to my wife 20-some years ago, but it was awkward and uncomfortable and we eventually just sort of dropped the topic. I have been faithful to my wife, but the gay urges are still there, and always have been. Through meditation and introspection, I've come to realize the damage done by keeping the "secret". I'm still figuring it out. I'm not sure our marriage is strong enough to withstand me being totally honest (we have 4 kids, youngest being 9 years old) but I'm also not sure our marriage is strong enough to withstand NOT being totally honest.
Please keep posting!
=Sevn

 

You present the toughest situation of all. Like others above who have posted, ....wow, there is no easy response or magic bullet of a suggestion. Having observed many marriages from friends where it just is not going to happen and never will, the toughest pill to swallow is the honesty pill. It comes down to management. Can you manage how you feel vs how you want to evolve? I say this knowing full well a child is part of all this and their future well being and self-confidence is paramount. If you can manage your feelings, stay married but distant. If not or you can't, well.....you have to move on. Again, we all have sympathy. Of course most of us are gay and lesbian so we side with going that way but I do realize its not something cut and dried. Keep communicating. We are here for you.

 

Well done you its a start. At least he knows u r not happy

 

SoulSearch, you said that so well! Maybe I'm just making this all up! That's the self-doubt creeping in on me, or maybe bargaining with myself for an easy way out.

 

I would recommend thinking about any attractions you have had over the years and also look honestly at any current attractions. Who do you feel drawn to most...men or women or both?? Do you get a feeling around particular women that you want to be around them and get to know them well? Do you want just one on one time with certain women? Do you notice and feel drawn to watch women's quirks...their smile...the way she moves etc and wish to recall those individual quirks in your minds eye? Do you ever get such feelings for certain men? For me when I was questioning I recall a woman who serves in a local shop bending over and realising that I was thinking "Nice bottom" as opposed to "nice jeans"! . Also I wanted to do stuff to a particular woman I had very strong feelings for...stuff that I had never wanted to do to anyone else...and I would've done anything (bar harming others) to give that woman pleasure.