Married and questioning

It's amazing how many memories I have over most of my life that are clear clues about my sexuality, and which I have pushed into the background. Earliest memory is getting ahold of a Playboy magazine and being more interested on the photos that included a naked man. Then there was trading blow jobs with my friend next-door, getting PlayGIRL magazines to see the full-frontal photos of men, and of course the one-night thing I had with a guy when I was in my 20's. Do you think there are any clues in all of that?

 

I "experimented " wit my best friend when we were younger and enjoyed it,never had a crush on a boy so should have know but think i put it to back of mind and just tried to fit the normal

 

I think when people finally acknowledge or accept their same sex attraction later in life there are always things which looking back they feel they should have noticed but at the time you thought you were doing the right thing and you didn't know what you know now so that's just the way it is. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but not. Always that helpful.

 

It must be one of those individual, personal things -- I find that revisiting those old memories helps me to bring my whole self together. When I start down the path of wondering whether I'm just making this whole thing up now, those memories remind me that who I am is also who I have been. Luckily, my gay memories are pleasant, even if I have put many of them away, in the back of the closet.

 

The very first time I told anyone that I was not straight I was shaking and sobbing so bad that I could hardly speak. The first time I posted on this web site I could hardly type the words. You need not be nervous or scared to be here, I promise. There is no way to change who you are and the way you feel, I have tried.
I was ashamed of myself. A rough and tough mid-western country boy certainly had to be straight. I cried myself to sleep every night asking God why? I was angry at myself God, society, everyone, everybody, and everything. In a time before the internet, no one to talk with and so alone I almost took my own life. For 43 years the anger and shame stayed, until I finally admitted to my self that I was not straight, and it was OK. Now I may still be a work in progress but I would encourage you to stay here for there are many people that have been through the same in their lives. You will find kind and caring people to talk with.
Dean

 

About 2 years ago I realized I was attracted to my best friend. I have been married to my husband for almost 20 years, have a teenage daughter and am in my late 40’s. Because I was attracted to her and basically in love with her l realized that yep I’m gay. After that I recognized things in my past that I was denying. Been in therapy for quite a while and I am still married. I did tell my husband about a year after I realized it that I thought I was gay. He didn’t want to believe it and thought I was going through some midlife crisis. I am still living at home and in my marriage although that is not what I want. Each person who realizes they are gay after living a heterosexual life has to figure out what is best for them and their current situation. I’m trying to stick it out until my daughter graduates from high school, some days I think yes I can do this, others are filled with I don’t know how much longer I can do this. My husband wants to stay married, we do not have a sex life to speak of, we are more like roommates. He proposed that I date or find myself a girlfriend on the side. That’s not me, I don’t think that is fair to drag another person into it, but it works for some people. You just need to take it one step at a time and find the path that is right for you. I like so many others have found that when you finally have that aha moment it doesn’t go away. As far as telling your husband, don’t rush it, you’ll know when your ready. I’m here if you want to chat.

 

Hola, I just recently went through something like this, the problem with advice on this is it really depends on you and your spouse. Only a few things i can say with out question for you. Take it slow, Your marriage and your sexuality are connected but independent things. And it's a really good idea to find some kind of therapy .. couples .. individual .. just someone with experience helping you figure stuff out. Those are the only things I know for sure. Personally, if things with your husband aren't bad I'd try working on that, but this is coming from a straight male who's wife recently came out and wants a divorce heh.. So maybe a touch biased, , but i think it's still decent advice

 

I was in a similar situation years ago. I had been married 14-15 years when my feelings and attraction to women started to surface (or resurface). I had a few crushes i high school but pushed those feelings aside. Went on to get married and have four children. Never really enjoyed sex with men, maybe I was just doing what I thought was supposed to come next in life. Then I met a woman in my neighborhood who I was attracted to. She flirted a lot when she would drink. I thought it was the affection I wanted since I didnt get much from my husband. Anyway, then met someone at work again who gave me plenty of attention, found me attractive and flirted. I tried very hard to stay in my marriage but when I realized my true feelings I was miserable. After leaving my husband for many reasons I started dating women and knew I could never go back to men. The kids dont have any problems with my sexuality. Its a hard thing to go thru you just have to do what you know what is best for you.

 

That sounds oddly familiar. Minus the blow jobs. I didn’t do anything until experimenting in early college.
Fear and pressure from society are keeping me where I am now.

 

You’re not the only one that has the on again off again self love self-loathe relationship.

We can all hope to be happy someday. Let’s stick it out. It’s good that hear I’m not the only one.