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Married and have just come out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Sam R, Jul 1, 2011.

  1. Just Passing

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    Hi Sam.

    While I'm not sure about the anti depressants, you should see who you get as a therapist (doesn't matter if they're gay or straight) and see if you feel comfortable with them helping you and that you don't feel uncomfortable with them. Regardless, they should have some sort of experience in this area and even if they're not completely qualified, they'll be able to give some good advice in the area.
     
  2. Sam R

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    Hi all.

    Just keeing you all posted.

    My wife has gone away to the states with her job now for two weeks. I wanted some advice on what I should do.

    My depression is crippling me, every day is so hard as anyone who has had depression or knows some one who has will know. Can anyone give me any advice on how to handle this situation.

    Also I have got some issues with my faith and my sexuality. Does anyOne have any experience here??

    Please help
     
  3. Sam R

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    Hello all.

    I just wanted to ask for some
    More advice really and keep you all up to date on what's happening.

    I am still off of work with crippling depression. Has anyone got any advice here. My wife and I are still on good terms but seperated and see each other once a fortnight.

    I am seeing a therapist but I am starting to know this will take a long time for me to come to terms with. I spend the whole day wanting to go back and knowing that I can't. I think maybe I am not gay, could it have just have been something else going on, yet I know that I only fancy men.

    How long did it take you guys who have been through this to feel like you were coping??

    Any comments would be appreciated.

    Sam.
     
  4. ukmick

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    , i totally admire how brave you are in all of this, im 32 got gf and 2year old son, and i wish i had the balls at the moment to tell her, hopefully i can ask you for advice soon as you have been honest and had the courage, i know i will hit depression like you have,(im getting the denial depression a lot recently) which i would guess is natural for most people that have come out, i hope you have a good life as too your wife, now that you have made the leap that loads of us are still trying to do. hopefully when i do eventually come out, i will try and exercise more, than take medication, as it releases a good amount of feel good chemicals and reduces stress i find, i took anti dep drugs around age 23-27, and i was up and down constantly, but we are all different i guess. hope you feel better soon.
     
  5. Sam R

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    Hey All,

    I have not posted on here for a long time but for some reason today I felt like posting.

    First of all I would like to say thank you to you all for your support, comments and care. Knowing you are not alone certainly does help.

    So, where am I now. Well, I am still not skipping down the street happily, I think that for me will take some more time. I have come off the anti depressants and started to see my friends more and more. Over the last few months I have told everyone including people at work, so now there is no one in my life who does not know I am gay.

    My house that I shared with my wife is now sold and our divorce is going through. She is doing ok. She is still desperately sad as am I at times but we both know that what we had is gone and can never be again. It's funny how you know that splitting up and moving on is right but a part of my mind just wants to go home and be with her. It may always be like that, I don't know?? Would love to hear from some dudes who have already been on this journey!!

    I am back at work after having six months off. I have to say it has pounded me. It appears that all my confidence has gone over the last six months which I guess is to be expected. I also decided to stop taking the anti depressants. I was not "depressed" but just very very stressed with the whole situation. I still feel really stressed but think I am going to manage that through exercise and chilling out.

    The one huge change in my life is that I have met a guy. I met him while I was off of work by going into a local coffee shop every day to grab a coffee. He worked in there and over the course of a few months we got talking and talking. I have not been able to figure out what it is i like about him. He is V V cute, great bod, such a happy guy, but so not what i have normally gone for sexually. Eventually after a few months he gave me his number. We got in touch, have spent quite a long time together and are now going out.

    He is so lovely and I see in him someone who I think I could be with. I would love some advice on this though. First of all key to me is not hurting anyone else or myself again. I want to make sure that I am seeing him because I want to and not because I am alone or insecure.

    I have told him everything about the last few months as I want to make sure that he knows what he is getting. I really want it to work but am just worried that as I am still finding out who I am and that this will get in the way of developing a lasting relationship. I also think to myself that is it right that I get with the first dude that has come along.

    There is also a huge part of me that thinks sod it, enjoy it for what it is and do not read to much into anything. Easier said than done though at a time when my entire life has been turned upside down.

    Anyway this is where I am at. I would love to get some advice from people that have undergone this journey and also hopefully be able to offer some advice back to anyone who is at the start of this.

    For me the biggest gift I have got is the knowledge that I only stayed in the closet for so long because of my low sense of self esteem, something which therapy helped me uncover. Changing that sense of self is very hard but worth doing.

    Anyway I will shut up now. I hope that all of you that have posted replies to me are well and that your lives are taking the turn that you want them too.

    Many thanks,

    Sam.
     
  6. missoni413

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    Sam,

    Just read your post and want you to know that in a few months I hope to be in the same position you are in. That being, divorce finalized, house sold, etc, etc. And, of course meeting someone.

    I recently came out to my wife - about a month ago now. Since then, my parents, a few aunts/uncles, in-laws, and a few close friends have also been told. I also have two infant children. Everyone has been surprisingly supportive of my decision, and many have pointed out the courage it took for me to actually come out. On the flip side, my wife feels ignored. She feels that she will be carring the huge burden that was just lifted off of my shoulders for the past 32 years. Our days together since coming out have mostly been "on," with a few pretty bad ones mixed in. It seems that when she is stressed from work, kids, life in general, the day ends up pretty rocky for both of us. Part of me feels awful for doing this to her. But, on the converse, I absolutely did the right thing for myself and everyone else in my life/family, especially my wife and kids. Had I wished things worked out differently, absolutely, but I would not have changed anything about my life. After all, I would never have my two sons.

    How long after coming out did you and your wife continue to live together? Did you have children? How is the divorce progressing? did you go through mediation or was it pretty rocky? Aside from these questions, do you have any other advice in general?

    Thanks for posting!
     
  7. Jim1454

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    Hi Sam. Thanks for the update! I'm glad to hear that you're back on your feet and moving forward again. This kind of life altering crisis can really take the wind out of your sails. I don't want to be a downer, but I'll say that 5 years into this I still don't feel 100%. But then I also had addiction issues as well as my orientation and family situation to deal with.

    On the topic of this new guy... I think it's great that you've found someone who makes you happy. That's wonderful. I think it's natural for you to wonder what your motivations really are, and whether getting into a serious relationship right away is the right thing to do. Only time will tell. Try not to worry too much about it. We're all responsible for our own happiness. You've been up front and honest with this guy, so he knows what he's getting into . You haven't proposed to him, so he knows that it might not be a forever thing. He's a big boy, and he'll manage if it doesn't work out.

    I'll caution you that sometimes the 'first' relationship with another man can seem better than it is. I think that's because you're allowing yourself to feel some of the emotions that you've been denied your entire life. And that can be really powerful. As time goes on, you *might* find that it's the experience and the emotions, rather than the person himself, that made you feel so good. That was the case with me. The first guy I fell for was totally wrong for me. He didn't have his act together at all. The guy I eventually met and married is the total opposite. Like me, he's a professional. Intelligent, funny, responsible.

    So just be conscious of that. But at the same time, it's great that you're able to experience this part of you that you've kept hidden away all these years. It's very liberating.
     
  8. Sam R

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    Hey guys,

    Thanks for your replies.

    First of all to the guy who has just come out to his wife I just want to say I am thinking of you. To be honest I am 7 months in and it all still feels too much but I try and recognise I am still here, still going and trying to look forward. As Jim says in the post following yours this is no easy journey. I kind of take the view that everything happens for a reason and that is starting to help.

    I do not know what sort of person you are but I can tell you that you are doing the right thing for you and your wife. Her burden is something you must not carry. It sounds cruel but it took me about 5 months to realise that I cannot carry guilt for what I have done to my wife. I, like you I am sure never meant any hurt to anyone, least of all your wife and kids. Your insecurities, whatever they are made you marry and not come out. This was certainly the case for me.

    My wife and I lived together for about 2 months post coming out. To be honest it was hell. My personality type is a fixer, so I tried to give her everything to ease my own guilt but it did not work. In my opinion the best thing you can do is to start to separate asap, although I know you have children so this is more of an issue for you.

    Do stay in contact with your wife, she needs to know that you care, which I am sure that you do. Also as you have known her for so long and hopefully have a good marriage you may be able to support each other through it and maintain a friendship at the end of it.

    I do feel for you and for her, but you will one day both be better off. You must know that this is going to be a long haul thing and may take years. Get some good good friends around you, you will need them. I kept everyone away for months until I could not cope. To be honest they will keep you afloat and catch you when you fall, which you will, but then you will get back up, and do the same thing over and over again until one day you wake up, and are at peace.

    I wish you all the best and if you wanna know anything please feel free to continue to post or message.

    Sam.
     
  9. missoni413

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    Sam, thanks for the advice! I will continue posting, but just wanted to shoot you a quick reply. I appreciate the advice.
     
  10. bwhopper

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    Our paths are very similar, even in timing, but you are slightly ahead of me. It sucks, but this sight helps. Getting a good workout is helpful medicine also.