Lost in dark thoughts TW: Suicidal ideation

I also am very leery of coming out myself because I know many of my family members, friends, and coworkers will think poorly of me or cut me from their lives altogether. The thought of that has lead me to the brink with suicidal thoughts and back. However, I realized no matter how much I prepared or hoped otherwise, it wouldn't change the outcome of the people I was concerned about. They'll either accept me, tolerate me, or write me off altogether. It is what it is. I can't change that. I recognized I was spending a lot of time and energy on dread, emptiness, desperation, and agonizing pain. So I redirected that time and energy, and reinvested it in myself instead of worrying about other people or trying to predict the future. It may sound counter intuitive, but spending all your effort and love on yourself instead of others,( especially ones who don't appreciate you), is quite rewarding. Strange but true. It doesn't wash away all my bad feelings but it puts them in the background and gives me a path to move forward. It's not easy, but it's progress.

Maybe you can spend more time on yourself by playing your guitar and performing at super low key gigs or open mics on the weekends. Which will also enable you to take long car drives at night all over Germany going to these events, while also scoping out ideal places you would like to live and work at. Once you find a town you like, you can revisit it multiple times, while doing an open mic to make sure it's somewhere you would like to move to. I know previously you stated that you have overwhelming anxiety and your location and community makes it challenging to come out. However if it's that bad, then you may need to consider moving somewhere more inclusive. I myself am looking into that possibility if my immediate family and friends react very poorly or negatively. I won't lie moving away is very daunting and terrifying to me, but the alternative is just remaining stuck and stagnating in place. It feels like watching older seniors aging in place being burnt out on life counting down the days to the end. I don't want that kind of regret to happen to me. So between being stuck or attempting to grant myself a fighting chance, I'll fight. It may suck and be hard, but it's progress at least.

Hopefully my insight and advice can help you in some small way. If you would like some advice about confidence or battling social anxiety, let me know.

 

Dang your playing in 3 bands, working, and moving out. You don't give yourself enough credit there. It sounds like you have a great foundation to start building up your confidence and public speaking. However I do have similar struggles with organizing and public speaking.

What helped me to organize better, was to either do a little bit of planning at a time while slowly developing it. Or make an outlined plan and adapt when necessary. It is rare when life or everything goes according to plan. So it's easier just to make a rough outlined plan that will adjust or take a new form according to the latest development. Basically thinking on your feet instead of getting overwhelmed by making the perfect organized plan and getting stuck.

What helped me to be a better public speaker was to either respond with short, sweet, concise responses. Or let the other person or group steer the conversation for you. Then respond when needed, while trying to complement or match their tone of speech. Basically most people like looking into a mirror when they interact with people. If you can reflect their personality or vibe back at them, they will love it. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. There have been multiple times where I've interacted with people dramatically different from me or they were strangely aggressive. I didn't know what the hell to do or how to respond. So I just copied them to get through the interaction, and they left happy.

I Know how truly awful it is to manage everything alone with no help. I'm in the same boat, so I can't give too much insight. What kinda helps me is what I talked about in my previous reply about redirecting your energy and love into yourself instead of others. Like I said, It doesn't wash away all my bad feelings but it puts them in the background and gives me a path to move forward.

If you do possibly move to the united states then please don't go to California. It is so crazy right now. We hear about insane news stories every single day from there. I would not go to California, Oregon, New York, Florida, or Washington DC. [ I would suggest Colorado, Nevada, The east coast, or states around the great lakes.] Also I wouldn't sweat not being able to speak English fluently. I talk to people who immigrated here all the time and we manage OK. Being able to understand and write English is a big plus because you can just write down what you're trying to communicate on a notepad or phone. I keep a notepad in my car and it has come in handy many times.

 

I understand now. I used to feel like that when I was a young teenager. I always tried to never stand out in any way like I didn't exist, because I was bullied all the time. I never looked people in the eye whatsoever and always stared at my shoes whenever I walked anywhere. If I ever looked straight ahead or made eye contact, it would cause me to panic, dizziness, and feel severe pain in my neck, head, and eyes. It felt like nails were being stabbed into me.

I was so angry at myself and sick of being treated like trash. So I forced myself to interact with people and make eye contact, even if it was somebody treating me like trash. I won't lie, It was hell and felt like ripping out stitches and nails constantly for about a year until nothing was left to rip out.

That might be a little bit too brutal for you. So I suggest after work, go to stores or parks you typically don't go to and basically people watch for an hour or two. Walk up and down Isles at the store that have more people, while mildly inspecting merchandise. Then observe different people and their conversations in passing so you can learn social cues. While passing someone, try to make eye contact and smile for a brief moment. Once you become more comfortable, you can start going to places that have more foot traffic. Like malls, beaches, big restaurants, popular museums, and charity work. Just take it at your own pace. Other than that, the only option really is social anxiety or speech therapy groups. They just force you to awkwardly talk to each other in the group who all have the same problem.

I know it's not easy or fair and there is no quick solution. both strategies will take a lot of commitment and going out of your comfort zone. Just find your baseline and slowly build from there. Everyday is a struggle to move forward. That goes for you, me, and everyone else in the world.

If you ever want to talk more let me know.

 

You don’t need to rush it, it’s all about baby steps, build up your tolerance bit by bit - your panic threshold will rise sooner that you’ll expect it, which in turn will allow you to go further.
Just remember how you started playing guitar and how you fingers felt at first.

I did that mistake once. Never again.

 

When I encounter an awkward silence or run out things to say I fall back on a small talk subject list in my head. Sometimes talking just to talk keeps the ball rolling until you can pick up conversation again. You can talk about the news, your work, what you did in the last week, bring up a story you were reminded of on your past conversation earlier, random funny things you noticed in public that week, a joke, the holidays coming up, things on your to do list, your hobbies, places and people you want to see, talk about something your friend or family member did that week, something you learned that week, etc.

Then if you run out of things to talk about you can ask them questions. What did you do last week, what does your schedule look like next week. hows your family, what are your hobbies and how frequently have you done them, whats your opinion on this subject I've been thinking of lately. where do you want to go, what do you want to do, why don't you take the lead and I'll follow, These are all the places I want to go do and see - do you want to try and make plans to do that together, how did you two meet and whats are some funny stories you have of my friend, Tell me a story from your past, etc.

If it's a friend of a friend, then just talk about your shared friend. If it's family, then talk about shared family memories and stories. If all else fails, I playfully poke them in the shoulder or the belly with a smile and say in a cute voice it's your turn to talk now. Come on - I've been talking this whole time. All those small talk conversation points are just some of the things I came up with off the top of my head. Just come up with a few and try them out. If they work memorize them and slowly build up your list. Sooner or later it will become second nature and you won't have to think about it too hard.

If they make fun of you then you need to confront them on the spot and shut them down, Or just be the bigger person and walk away. They may not like it but they'll respect you for standing up for yourself.

 

Maybe you can focus on being an attentive listener and reflect that in your body language instead of talking. Then you can ask a small question here and there about their conversation. Sometimes if I panic in a conversation, I just give them a small grin and ask them small questions to draw out the conversation until I think of something to say. You don't need advanced body language skills either. Just be relaxed, slight nods, slight grin, small questions. Acting inquisitive towards someone is inherently flattering to people.