Lost in dark thoughts TW: Suicidal ideation

The last few days this feeling returned which I can only describe as an internal pain that feels like it will only go away if I end things. Today I was alone in my thoughts and drifted to my two suicide attempts (if you can call that). They were both some years in the past and the reason I'm still here is that my fear of the nothingness after death overcame the feeling to kill myself. I tried to distract me from this feeling but so far with little success. I hope writing this and getting it off my chest will help me feel better.

 

Thank you all for the help.
I'll safe that page for the future, but at the moment i'm not comfortable with talking to a person i don't know. Its an issue i always have. Writing here is a bit different, because threads aren't directed towards someone specific, so being here helps a lot already.

At the moment I do not have someone outside EC who I can confide in talking about these things.

Thank you <3

 

Hey all. Sorry to revive an old thread, but my thoughts are starting to go darker again.

Basically I was alone with my thoughts for too long again and started thinking about what would happen if I came out today.

It's very likely that I will not be able to dtay in contact with my family. I'm stilll most afraid from the fact that my mom will no longer support me because she would see me as an "it".

From the few friends I have all but two will for sure distance themselves from me. One of the other two may be a friend I know since kindergarten and always had a good relationship with, but I still don't know his view on transpeople. he had said once that some of my views are "too woke". The other is someone i met because of online gaming, I have seen him only once in person a few years ago at gamescom. He is friends too with the first friend.

And I may have to leave my job. There are many conservative and some transohibic people working there. Our customers are rich businesspeople, i would guess the majority of them would be conservative too. I would be very uncomfortable at least when they would speak to me on telephone and I would say to them in my masculine sounding voice that I want to be adressed as a woman now.

 

I'm very uncomfortable with speaking about myself and my issues in person (or on the telephone). Also I'm kinda too scared to go to a therapist or some group or organization on my own.

It would be better for my mental health if I had a freind who supports me as a transwoman and who I could talk to about things. But I'm standing in my own way to get to know someone. It's nearly impossible for me to go to someone I don't know and introduce myself or get to know them better. The Friends that I have are only my friends because they started talking to me, and I can't be sure if they would be allies If I came out to them.

 

I know people are here who will listen to my ramblings and want to help me, and I am grateful for that.
But sometimes its hard for me to even bring the thougts that bother me to words. I would log on here and wanting to start a thread to get help or advice, but I will just stare at the empty page and close it again after a while.

 

That's kinda the way I already write.
My problem is that I try to write down a feeling that I really can't put into words.
A Feeling of sadness and/or suffering that makes me wish there was a simple trick to make it go away. Of course that's not how it works.
And when I think about these things too long, I arrive that theres only one solution to relieve me from my pain.

 

Moments that I enjoy are mostly playng guitar or bass either alone or in a band or driving my car at night over long distances. I can distract myself sometimes while playing video games.

leaving work wouldn't be a problem, but finding a new place to work. I was jobless tow times and in both instances it took me about a year to find a new job. Not because I dont search a new job but becaused of the job interviews. I would always get invited, so I have at least one per week, but always get rejected.(Apart from the two times I got a job.) In some cases it's because lacking experience, but always its because social anxiety and lacking social skills. I would always be extremely nervous, can't look anyone in the eye and giving only very short answers. I would be unable to answer even the easiest questions.

There are LGBTQ+ friendly palces/ares in germany, but its mostly in the big cities and I cant afford to live there. I live in a more rural and conservative area.

 

I'm not a competitive person at all and running my own business clearly isn't a thing for me. I dont't have skills i could offer and things like finance management and customer aquisition or marketing myself are all far from things i like or am good at.

A secound job isn't an option because I already work 40 hours a week and that's stressful already for me.