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Life journey.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by butterfly1, Nov 7, 2017.

  1. greatwhale

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    I have seldom read here at EC a more beautiful description of self-discovery, and self-acceptance. Welcome to yourself, butterfly1, welcome to the life that you desire from your deepest and most honest self!
     
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  2. butterfly1

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    Thank you so much. Thank you for your kind words. Coming out to my self has been a long time coming. And I know it is only one step along the path I walk.
    Again, thank you. Your words are appreciated. : )
     
  3. butterfly1

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    Freedom. Finding it is like discovering a hidden treasure. Or opening a present. When one steps out and can see what was there along, it seems like a newness.

    While things around me have not really changed all that much, I feel a sense of release from within my self. I have come to terms with who I am. I seem more sure of things within me. Today, I feel a sense of freedom within my self.

    Life has its ups and downs. Tomorrow may be different. But that is "always a day away".

    It feels like this butterfly has come out and is fluttering its wings. Then it might try to fly.
     
  4. butterfly1

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    Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness and still become something beautiful. (Tanya Bennett)

    We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. (Maya Angelou)

    Just a couple of quotes I thought are interesting.
     
  5. butterfly1

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    Finding one's self. The realization of who I am has been interesting. The clarity of what is and what was has been enlightening. Seems like things come into a little better focused as time goes by. I have feelings that I didn't know I had. Or maybe didn't want to know I had might be a better thought. Anyway, what seems to be happening is that I look forward to each day. What does life have to offer? I don't know. But there seems to be a settling, a lack of uncertainty, within my self.
    When one comes out to one's self it seems like a fog has cleared away. But this is only one aspect of one's life. And I continue to do things that I enjoy doing, all that makes up who I am and the kind of person I am. In no way am I minimizing the fact that I am gay. Just trying to keep things in perspective.
    As Forrest Gump said- "Life is like a box of chocolate. You just don't know what you're gonna get." So, just trying to meander along this path that is mine to walk along. And see what life has to offer.
     
  6. butterfly1

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    This is just a venting moment. Just wanting to get something out of my system. I'll get past this. Things will work out, I hope.

    Anyway, when I woke up this morning, I was kind of annoyed. The way my life is just seems all wrong. My work is okay, but not great. I don't have anyone I can go to (outside of EC) and have a face to face conversation with (to voice my feelings of who I am, and related thoughts). Where I live is nice, but very remote. A small town of a few hundred people. And my relationship with my partner is just okay.

    I feel like things should be different. How, I'm not sure. I understand who I am (that I'm gay). I understand the kind of person I am. I have a nice comfortable life (house, cars, pets, etc.). That's all very nice. But it seems like there should more. Or maybe different is a better word. I would give up all of the material things to have what I feel in my heart. And what do I feel within my heart? To find someone (who ever he is) to truly love and to feel loved. Within my self there is a lacking. A missing of true reality. A feeling of what could have been. And what life maybe should be.

    I know I have to tread lightly here (within my self). I can't just throw all that is going on around me away. I have read numerous postings here at EC of the struggle a person has. Of being in one relationship (and all that that encompasses), and wanting a different relationship (with all that that encompasses). What do I do with all of these thoughts? Take the time to sort through what I feel inside myself. And at some point I may have to stand up and come out to other people. Like my partner, and others that I know?

    I don't feel I regret all that my life has been up to this point. But I do feel like I am missing out on what I think my life could be. Yes, it is easy to say "could've, should've, would've". But the reality is that I am where I am at this point in life. I can work through this.

    As I said, this is a venting moment. A releasing of some frustration. Or the process of life, my life, going along its path. Some how it would be nice to have the inner self to match the outer life. The dream to match reality. Or something like that.
     
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  7. butterfly1

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    One of the things I am learning about me at this time is what kind of person I am. What do I like? What do I don't like? What do I have no interest in? What really catches my interest?
    Over the course of my life I have attempted to go looking for love. Through three different relationships I went looking for what I thought I wanted. What I am realizing now is that I need to work on discovering what I am about. Identifying that I am gay is only a step along the way. What kind of person am I? What could I offer the other person with whom I would have a relationship? A foundation of me needs to be discovered and uncovered. A lifetime of trying to be something other than the true me has hindered and delayed the uncovering of me. Truthfulness to my own self is a process. And, if along the way, I would meet him (Mr. Right), then each of us would hopefully help each other to continue to find ourselves. But it all has to start from within my self.

    It is important to have a basis or a solidity within one's self. And not have an abnormal selfishness. It would be okay to have needs and desires. But to want those aspects without a true view of one's self only causes more problems. This is what I have done in the past. I want, I want, I want has been an unhealthy motto in my life. An outlook that only caused more pain. And not just to the other person, but also to me.

    All of this is not easy. I would have to be honest within myself. To pull a thorn out is painful, but only momentarily. To grow and become a true individual requires to pull out thorns that are within ones heart. The result is a beauty from within. And the right person will see that and fall in love with that individual.

    Thus is the place along the path that I am at.
     
  8. butterfly1

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    It has been a while since my last entry here. And with each passing day, I have learned some about me. The reality of of being gay has settled in. Inwardly, I feel more at peace, more settled, more at ease. And with each passing day I seem happier than I have in my past. The struggle to be someone else is fading, fast. With each day, I feel more free to be me. The real me is showing itself more and more as time goes along.

    And, I am embracing who I am. I am not running away and hiding. I am learning that it is okay. It is okay to be me. There is no shame in being me. There is shame in not being me. That caused more harm and hurt. And not only within my self, but to others around me. It has not made the daily life change all that much. But what has changed is that I can face things in a more real way. In a way that I can be true and real. When I laugh, it is real. When I cry, it is real. There is no stoic wall trying to protect me, which I use to think was the right thing to do.

    I feel I am moving forward within my self. And the confidence is growing. I am learning to stand on my own, not on the false foundation of social construct. If loving him is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

    I can see clearly now the rain is gone
    I can see all obstacles in my way
    Gone all of the dark clouds that made me so blue
    It's gonna be a bright sun shiny day
    It's gonna be a bright sun shiny day.

    I think I can make it now my pain is gone
    All of the sad feelings have disappeared
    Here is my rainbow I've been praying for
    It's gonna be a bright sun shiny day.

    (Brenda Lee)
     
  9. SevnButton

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    Butterfly1,that was a beautiful post! And thanks for the musical references. Not only is there no shame on being you, there is pride. As the struggle segues to clarity, all that effort becomes available to move forward. In one of my meditations,
    addressing all the parts of my being, the words came to me, "We're better together". You are a wonderful person, it shines through in your writing.
     
  10. butterfly1

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    SevnButton- Thank you for your kind words. The clarity was never there until a short while ago. And a lot of it was my own lack of acceptance of me. That acceptance has and is growing. The reality is becoming more and more clear. It just makes more sense. And the ways of social construct don't make all that much sense.
    So, with each moment of clarity, the comfort within grows. That comfort is something I am grateful for.
     
  11. SevnButton

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    Yes! Yes! Yes! That's it!!! I know when something read resonates with me because my eyes well up with tears ... like now. When I tried to be out with my wife years ago, we used the term, "my gay side" and I was really uncomfortable with it. Now I really get it -- it's not a "part" of me when it's woven through my very existence. These are words of wisdom: "Things don't flow very well in a group of boxes. Everything is separated. And that is not working for me".
     
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  12. SevnButton

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    Hi Butterfly1 - This evening I started re-reading through your thread from the very beginning. Through most of my life I've felt like something just wasn't quite right, something that I just couldn't quite identify. Even though your story is quite different from mine, your story is a parable of wisdom that applies quite nicely to me, and I suspect to many others. It's all about the struggle to truly be me..
     
  13. butterfly1

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    SevnButton- Too long in my life have I struggled. Too long have I tried to not face the truth. No matter how hard I tried to push down and hide the reality of me, it would occasionally come to the surface. And I would push even more to keep the truth out of sight. But things became so difficult to do that I was becoming tired (mentally and physically). The truth can only stay hidden for so long. A person can only hide for so long. At least in my case.

    Where I live (very small town, very remote), there is no access to any group or counselling. I found this website, and just started to chip away at the walls I have built. It has not been easy. But the reality of who I am is becoming more real.

    It is here at EC where I have found an outlet to express what I feel inside. To break the chains of social construct that I have bound my self with. It has not been easy to get some of those feelings out. I'm not use to doing that. But if I want to be who I really am, then I have to "face the music" and deal with things. No matter how hard it may be to do.

    Somewhere over the rainbow
    bluebirds fly
    And some where this butterfly will spread its wings to fly also.:grin:
     
  14. LostInDaydreams

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    I've been thinking about this recently. I feel tired most of the time, which I've mainly put down to work. I'm not sure that I'm actively doing anything to hide my sexuality, apart from maintaining the pretence of my relationship, which is draining. I told my therapist that it's easier to keep going as I am and she questioned me on it, but I mostly stuck to my original answer. Now, I'm not sure that it is that much easier.

    I'm sorry to hear that you haven't got any groups or counselling near you @butterfly1, but you're doing a great job of expressing your feeling on here. I always enjoy reading your posts. You describe your feelings really well.
     
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  15. butterfly1

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    LostinDaydreams- I have always been a hard working person. Especially since I'm doing the kind of work I do (geriatric health care). But somewhere along the way I realized that there was a difference in the tired from working, and the tired from hiding. When I get tired from working I would look and see what was done and feel okay. When I had to deal with who I am, there was frustration and denial. And the idea that it just couldn't and wouldn't be that way. That was exhausting to be that way. At least for me. Different people react to things in different ways.

    For me to express what is inside takes some doing. But it is getting better.

    Yes, it kind of is a problem to not have any contact where I live. I did look at online counselling, but I'm not really sure about that.

    Thanks for your kind words.
     
  16. LostInDaydreams

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    @butterfly1 To be honest, I've never really thought about it in depth. It's an interesting distinction. I suppose I just feel drained. I feel tired before I get to work. Thanks for sharing. I'll try to pay more attention to how I'm feeling going forward.

    I very briefly tried online counselling. Not via instant message, but via emails. Having now had face-to-face counselling, I don't feel an email is the same as a counselling session, particularly for the same cost. But, that's just my experience. Would phone counselling be an option for you?
     
  17. butterfly1

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    LostinDaydreams- Never thought about phone counselling. Will look into that.