Life journey.

So, I am new here. Just joined today. Not sure if this is the right forum to share what I feel, but will try anyway. For all of my life I never was sure of who I am. When I was a child I knew I felt different. I would wear female clothes and would look at pictures of women in magazines and catalogs, thinking about what I would look best in. I felt at ease in this even though I didn't fully under stand it all. One day my mother walk in my room without knocking. I always did things in secret. Even then I knew my parents would not understand or agree with what I was doing. My mother was shocked to find me dressed in a feminine way. She screamed at me to get out of those clothes. As a result of that moment, I never did that kind of thing again while I lived in my parent's house.

For years (even after I left home) I felt bound up inside. I did not feel free at all. I quit college (against my parent's wishes). I went out into the work world, trying to find some kind of satisfaction in my life. Through many different jobs I still felt lost. I got married thinking that would help me. That relationship failed. I realized my reasons were all wrong, and I made mistakes left and right, in that marriage. After the divorce was done and over, I decided to take a long hard look at my life and where I was.

I purposely did not get involved in a relation because I realized I had no idea of who I was. After a few years I remembered my crossdressing times as a kid. I felt okay at times with this, and at times not okay with it. A constant struggle with the crossdressing. Bought things, gave them away to thrift stores. I realized it was not really who I wanted to be. I still felt a lack of freedom inside of me.

In one job, after the crossdressing times, I found a friend. We had worked together on a number of projects at work. And we became really good friends. I kind of fell for him. And wanted to have a relationship. It didn't happen. I thought that I was gay. I tried to work that though. I, again, did not get any freedom inside.

So, there I was, still lost within my self. Not sure about anything. Searching for some answer to the confusion and not being able to find any. I kind off threw up my hands and decided to not deal with this anymore. It seemed to much and too hard to figure out.

After a few years of just working at different jobs in different parts of the country, I met a woman and started a relationship with her. We eventually got married and still is. I felt good about this relationship and have work at it. But then a few years into the married life, the feelings of confusion came to the surface again and again and again. Got on the internet to try to find "me".

At first I joined a crossdressing forum. Didn't feel right. Joined a trangender/ mtf sex change forum. Didn't work out within me. Joined a bisexual/ gay forum. No inner contentment there. After a couple of years of this kind of searching, I felt very frustrated and gave up. I decided not to join any more online forums of any kind. I did not want the disappointment any more.

I never told anyone about what I was feeling inside. No one I felt I could trust in all this through out my life.

Then, a couple of months ago, something change. My search rose to the surface again, but I felt different about it. Why, I don't know. I really looked at all that has happened, and wondered what was I feeling. At times I would dress feminine, was okay with it but not feeling quite right. At times I would dress masculine, and be okay with that, but not feeling quire right with that either. Then I stumbled across something I did not know about.

About a week ago I came across a subject I didn't know was there. I don't even remember how I found it or that I was looking for it. When I discovered the idea of gender fluid, I looked at that and wondered about it. The more I read and researched the more things were starting to make sense to me. And the other morning it all became clearer about my life. It was like a curtain had been pulled away, a cloud lifted, a coming out of a forest into a clearing.

So, here I am, on this forum. Not sure what will happen. Or what I will find. But I seem to have a little better understanding of what has gone on inside of me.
Is it possible for a 64 year old person to feel this way? To feel something other than two entrenched gender perceptions of a person? This is why I found this site. And why I ask these questions.

 

Here's something I've thought about. When ever I would shop and get clothes I thought I would fit into what was expected. When I dressed in a feminine way I would go out and I would "pass". I've had doors held open. That seem good. But what I felt was out of place.
When I wore clothes that defined a male role, I felt out of place. I felt like I was trying to fit someone's definition of how a person should dress.

When I talked with friends or coworkers about what i do to look like I do physically, they would always say that would explain how I maintain my girlish figure. I would just smile. I accept the way I look physically. I have a healthy lifestyle. But inside I have trouble accepting being put in the so called gender "boxes". I don't see myself as feminine or as masculine. I have always, over the course of my life, felt somewhere in between. I just didn't know how to define what I feel.

At the risk of being put in a gender "box" (as some might say), I might be thinking that gender fluid might be a way to look at how I feel. Or maybe gender neutral is a way to look at me.

I am now looking at neutral type clothing, neutral type hair styles, and just being comfortable as "me".

 

So, woke up. Got out of bed. Dragged a comb across my head.

Anyway, I got up this morning and seemed in a good mood. I thought about my journey. I thought- I'm just doing what others have been trying to do to me all along. I was trying to define who I am. Looking for that place where I could fit. That was causing a lot of stress within myself. I thought- stop trying and just be.

At least for today there is a sense of relief. Tomorrow maybe different. But I only have today.

 

Just something I was thinking about today. There have been times when I would be in a restaurant, and I notice that someone would look and have this expression on their face. "She or he?" would be what they're thinking.

 

Today I had to go grocery shopping. But I did something a little different. I looked at my clothing closet and my jewelry. And I thought- "I'm going to mix it up some." A little of femininity, a little of masculinity. Took the time to get a look I felt comfortable with, but expressed who I am.
Went through the whole day looking as I am. And It felt good. No pressure to look a certain way; to fit in someone's box. Didn't have to act a certain way. Today felt like a breakthrough for me. A relief, a breath of fresh air. It felt good to be me.
Don't know what I will feel tomorrow. I only have today.

 

Sometimes I feel okay with who I am. Right now is not one of those times. Why do I think I have to choose? Old ways of thinking are difficult to change sometimes.
Part of me says I have to act and look a certain way. Like why do I have to choose?
Part of me is screaming to be let out. Like it's trapped or something. I have felt this before even before I knew there was the term gender fluid. I'm trying to just sort through all these thoughts.
Tomorrow is another day.

 

Hillary B- thank you.

 

Got to thinking in the middle of the night. Didn't get much sleep. Wide awake in bed thinking about all that has gone on inside of me over the past few weeks. I realized that, before, I had the question of "who am I?" As I was thinking in the night, I thought- There are now more questions than before. Certain things I feel pretty sure about. Other things I am not sure about. As I was sorting through this stuff, I began to see that maybe the inner process of who I am is a work-in-progress. Maybe. If that is possible. Does this make any sense? Time will tell.
I know I'm being kind of vague. Sometimes it is hard for me to express my inner most thoughts. Comes from not having the opportunities to open up. Or maybe I didn't allow anyone in to deal with things. Too much hiding of "me" all my life.
Hiding. That is a big thing for me. The feeling from the hiding is confining. Not much freedom, if any.
I do feel like I'm not stalled, just "inch by inch" slowly moving forward. Not that I'm in a hurry, or being impatient.
It takes a while for the butterfly to grow and become who it really is.

 

I had flashback to a moment I had completely forgot about. (That darn hiding habit.) About 7 or 8 years ago I was at home all alone for a few days. Partner was away visiting family. And I was sitting in the living room. Just gazing out the window. And this sense of peace or something came over me. I knew right then what was going on within my inner being. A moment of clarity. I sat there for a long time thinking about what had happened. Then I did something really stupid. I went past that feeling and slipped back into the bad habit of pushing it aside. And slowly hid that moment away. Over time the memory would drift into my thoughts and drift away. I now realize this moment of clarity, this moment was suppose to be a start of me being me. And I did not allow it to happen.
So, now, I want to look at what happened then and see where I can go with those thoughts. Do I see the path clearly, the steps defined? No, but I know there is a path there.

 

Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am.

I want to live, not merely survive
and I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am.

That far away prize, a world of success
Is waiting for me if I heed the call
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there is a chance that I can have it all.

I'll go it alone, (if) that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
if I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I've gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I've gotta be me

I'll go it alone, (if) that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
if I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I just gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I gotta be me.

(fromTony Bennett)

 

It is hard to break a habit that has become so much a part of my life. So many times I would not do something that expressed my true self. And I knew I was not being true to "me". It was and is frustrating. But today I pushed through the old habit. Bought some jeans that I felt would work with my gender identity. And I also Bought a new pair of earrings
As I was driving home, I thought about what I did today. And, you know what? It felt good. It felt freeing. It felt right. There was no hiding. There was no wondering- Why should I do that? Yes, today was a small but good step.

 

One of my favorite movies is "Cool Runnings". Here's why. There are two scenes that I like.
The first one has the two people in front of a mirror. One person says "What do you see?" The other responds, and the first says "No, I tell you what I see."
When you or me look in our own mirrors, what do you see? What do I see? A person that others see or do we see our self?

The second scene I like is when one person says their team should do things like another team (the Swiss team). Another one on the Jamaican team says to not do that. They say " If I walk like a Jamaican, talk like a Jamaican, eat like a Jamaican, and sleep like a Jamaican, I sure as heck am going to bobsled like a Jamaican." (May not be exactly quoted, but it's close.)
Do I try to fit in what is expected? Or do I live truthfully, and honestly within my self? And with those around me?
Or for the sake of not "rocking the boat", does one "go with the flow" of social construct?
Does a person step out and endure all that comes (not just the good, the pain also) with the truthfulness of living as they are intended to be?
If one feels like they are female on the inside, do they present as a lesbian? If one feels female on the inside, do they transition so the outward appearance matches the inner person. The same would be true if the inside were male.

I just think these two moments in this movie really spoke to me. It is such a cute movie. One type of people rising against what the world thinks about how people should be.

 

So, today I had to go out to another town that was a two hour drive away. I live in a very small town in the middle of nowhere.
Anyway, to make a short story long, when I got up this morning, I was trying to decide what I should wear for the day. Part of me was saying wear what you want, mix it up. And part of me was saying to dress accordingly. To stay within what was is normal. This side was saying to stay with the work boots, carpenter jeans, sweatshirt, and a hat. Very male oriented type look.
The other part was saying to wear those new jeans I got, with a nice top, and the new earrings I got the other day. And no hat. A more feminine look. But still a mix.
This "debate" went on for quite a while. I finally thought, enough, not going to give in to the hiding today. Went with the mix look, the more feminine style.
I had a good day. Enjoyed all that I had to do. And I felt free. Felt no regret. Even at this writing I'm still as I have been all day. Don't feel the need to undo this victory over the "hiding syndrome".
Today was and is good.