Just an update for those that are interested

Ok back, the wife is over at the GFs for the night so I have plenty of time to post. Thanks again, but I really didn't.. after a couple days i was able to get my shit together but it was pretty hard for a couple days.
Grin, the different perspective is exactly one of the reasons I thought about posting all this. It's not exactly a LGBT topic but it's LGBT adjacent. I'm probably the only guy on here in my exact shoes but there is a lot of women in my wifes shoes. Granted a few differences, the biggest one being we don't have any bad feelings towards each other. Not to say she wouldn't change a few things about me if she could, but we'd be fine if not for the gay thing lol It hasn't always been this way, I really do understand what it's like to not be friends, at best it's kinda working ok, but not really.. at worse your spouse is like a roommate that you really don't like. I went through all that crap. It sucked and i totally understand why a lot of the women in my wifes shoes are so upset. If you would of caught us a year ago my wife would of fit in here perfectly with you guys, some of the things she's told me are word for word what i've read on this forum. Anyway hopefully seeing things from another perspective will give someone benefit.
and just an fyi i'm a little high so that's probably why i'm rambling a little. Have I mentioned that pot is now legal in Cali... heh
Looking after myself.... I'm not really sure what that looks like.. I think I am tho, here's an example. Earlier today my wife asked my feelings about her spending the night tonight and tomorrow night at her GFs. I felt it out and said I could be good with that but we'd have to hang out tomorrow for a few hours with and without kids. I give what I can but I'm not going to give so that it makes me unhappy. That kinda segways into your next comment about the physical affection. How it segways is sometimes my wife will use physical affection to get more of what she wants. Nothing too sexual, but maybe a pretty decent kiss or just cuddling up and watching some tv I'm grateful for the affection and she's grateful that I can be so giving.We love each other so if it doesn't feel wrong why not. This kind of brings me to a question I had for the forum. Being sexual or intimate with your husband when you're gay. I know there can be a lot of other problems going on but strictly on the sexual side, i've read some women talk of finding their husbands advances repulsive, other's say something like unnatural...I don't get this, I'm straight but i'm perfectly fine with men having sex, no repulsion, what two or more adults want to do in the bedroom is all fine by me. I know a lot of this just depends on the person, but when my wife is being more physically affectionate, like kissing, I know it doesn't do it for her like it does when she's with a women, but what do you think it might feel like for her. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable but If she's ok with it I do appreciate effort. So that's actually my answer to why draw it out, Why wouldn't I draw it out lol If there is some level of physical affection that feels right for her I have a vested interest in finding that spot. Plus i think if we were to do that you'd be right and it would be giving us a sense of direction, which I'd rather not have.We've been taking things as they come up, and we're still trying to stay open to what happy looks like.
That looks like I covered everything.
Feel free to ask any follow up questions. It's always a bit therapeutic to write out what's going on in your head heh

 

I can't reply to all of that right now it's super late lol so I'll just start at the top and reply item by item.
I get where you're coming from, and I think a lot of women find themselves in a similar position. I think how my wife and I are handling it is definitely a little odd but eh I'm fine with odd. Conforming is overrated lol and i think there was a little bit of a miss communication. I couldn't say I'm my wife's primary relationship. I'm an important one and I go hand in hand with the whole family thing, but she's not doing her hair and makeup for me lol I think of Laura as her primary relationship, well.. mom first, then Laura next when it comes to more of the "in love" things.
I it's a bit too early to say how any of this is going to shake out. I might not be there, but maybe I will lol

 

Yah I really wish my wife would have been more honest with Laura from the beginning but she didn't think Laura would be ok with that much honesty. About how long will it keep going on. I think a lot of that really depends on the what level of being pyhsical we're talking about. The big stuff is basically over now except for a couple exemptions. on the small stuff side like holding hands, i find it hard to believe that we'd ever take that off the table unless things got pretty bad between us. So I think a lot of this will end up with my wife figuring out what she's ok with and then also finding out what her gf wants. I wish we could all be open about what's going on. But until that happens it's my wife's relationship if she wants to mess it up that's her call heh

 

Yah it's kinda funny putting it that way, approaching it from a different place. That's how I feel when I kiss my wife now. I'm still attracted to her and I'm kissing from a romantic attraction place but we both know that's not why she's kissing me. We're two people kissing coming from very different places. It's very odd.

 

Getting left behind, very real possibility. But I owe it to our relationship and family to see this through.
I do understand about it showing us where this could end up but I just can't risk it. I'm trying to let my wife figure out item by item how she feels about things. I'm not trying to be pushy or pressure her into anything, I might ask for a kiss but she knows when ever she says no that's fine by me. I'm not mad i say too bad and move on. I'm worried that if we completely shut off all physical affection then that will become the new norm and it could be difficult to come back from there

 

Honestly I'm not sure, I could see a place In the future where we still stay close and keep holding hands and cuddling. It wouldn't be romantic but it would be a shared intimacy. But on the flip side there is a very real possibility that her GF wouldn't be ok with that and i know right now my wife isn't being upfront with Laura about everything but knowing my wife there will be a point where that changes. She's really not a cheater kind of person. Right now things are bit crazy but if they stay together for a while I can easily see my wife stopping all physical affection towards me because her gf wouldn't approve. They're not there yet, but I could see things going that way. So yah I'm not sure how this is going to go down.

 

Happy and aware of where this might be going... well I'm not happy about it but I'm very aware of where this could lead. :/ and if i was trying to move on i wouldn't be going through all this lol. I really don't want to find someone new, i still love my wife she still loves me she's missing the attraction for me thing but other than that and the fact that she doesn't hang her wet towel up when she's done she's a pretty good wife lol I know sex and attraction are important but four out of five still isn't bad heh there is one more thing that I don't mention often. I was married once before just after high school and I've been with my current wife for the past 11. The first one lasted just under a year. (Ok kinda, there is actually a funny story there but I'm too tired to go into it) I've know for many years that if things with my wife don't work out I'm done trying. I've been in full blown love 4 times, I've been married twice. And if this is it I'm fine with that. I just don't think I could ever open up that much again. My body just wouldn't allow it. So I have added reason to give this my all. I know you should never say never but i feel pretty confident that this is my last in love relationship.

 

Sigh, I have to get some sleep. It's 4am here..... bleh...... I'm sure I'll be back some time tomorrow, if nothing else I'll log in when my wife heads back over to her gfs.
Later...... lost in day dreams?... that's too long. Do you go by lost? Have I mentioned it's 4am... Lol you could think of your screen name as having a first middle and last name that way you could go by your last name which would be dreams, and I think we can all agree that the nick name "dreams" is better than "lost" much more positive lol. Ok yep I'm a bit sleep deprived I find this way too amusing... If I had your screen name I'd try to go by "day dream" some how. That way you could shorten it to "day", I feel like Day is the perfect nickname based off of your screen name.
Hey Day how's it going? Probably stay away from how's your day Day? Lol but other than that I think it works... ok sleep now

 

And I'm back, now with coffee.
I wish this place had old school chat rooms, sometimes it would just be easier to have a back and forth conversation than doing the whole post reply to post.. quote txt.. etc..thing.
So... where was I...

Yah that's what I think too, a bit sad but I'm ok with it. And to be honest it can bring up negative feelings, but those feelings are going to happen. I was taking a shower yesterday and my mind started to drift into more negative thoughts. I had to make a concerted effort to look at the good around me to bring me back up. So it's not that I don't have those negative thoughts and feelings I just find a way to get over them.

 

I do get it, I don't have the same feelings concerning jealousy ( I had to give that emotion up a long time ago to make all this work lol) but If I was her I'd be upset about the deception. Trust makes my world turn so deception is a big deal to me. If Laura was open minded about all this stuff I would totally have her in on the discussion, and I don't mean open minded like she's good with everything. I mean she could except that we're all just trying to figure stuff out and trust that no one is trying to hurt anyone else.

 

It is... and thanks. I'm not really sure what to say about it... We're still a family and our kids are still number one so I might not be my wifes primary love relationship, but I'm still an important relationship.