I've failed again at making friends/being gay

It's OK. I keep thinking about whether I should speak about it on here, but something is stopping me- not sure what. I dunno how worried I should be about one of the things this person said though during the yelling: "Me and people I know are planning something to happen at Pride this year and it's not going to be all sunshine and rainbows". I don't know if anything will come of it, and I wouldn't know what to do if I kenw for certain that he was being serious, but it's put my friend of going to Pride, so now I have no-one to go with. Sucks but it's just one of those things I suppose.

 

Thank you. I have heard somewhere else that shame gets worse if you keep it a secret. I don't know if it counts to write it down, but I will try to start doing more of that again. I am glad you think I am starting to get to a place where I feel more comfy- I can't always see the progress myself. I'd like to tell the people at the sports group a bit more about me (just wish they'd ask!) as I think they can sense it anyway, and it may help them (and me) have more empathy. Hopefully they still would accept me afterwards too.

Unfortunately I don't- my friends are very mental health-phobic and become annoyed quickly if someone 'Goes on about their problems'. Oh... unless it's one of them complaining to me and expecting me to solve everything for them, of course. It's different then.

Thank you. This is really relevant to me at the moment as Ihave just decided to quit univeristy (only had one year left to complete). I have talked to family and friends about quitting before (I love my job - as I mentioned - and hate my degree) and they all shame me by saying things like 'You may as well finish it', 'It's only one year', 'You can earn more money/be in a higher position with a degree'. Well it's very easy for them to say that when they're not the one 'In the arena'. It will not feel like 'Only one year' if I am miserable for a whole year. I wanted to quite two years ago. My therapist told me to imagine what it would feel like to quit and it felt so freeing. Sounds cheesy but it felt like exactly what my heart wanted. So I did it. Just haven't told anyone else yet. The shame about it is stopping me having that 'free' feeling. It is also good practice for stopping being a people-pleaser: ever since I can remember I have lived my life with the main aim of making sure everyone around me is happy, content, not offended. It's exhausting. They will have to get the hell over the fact I've quit university for the contented, simple, low-key life I'm starting to create now.

Thank you for your messages. This reply turned into a longer piece of writing than I expected, but maybe it counts as talking about shame.

 

Thank you, yes I'm hoping he will ask me about it next time I see him so I can explain myself a bit. I'm usually pretty bad at sharing things about myself (yes I know I'm that opposite on EC unfortunately...) so I tend to wait for others to ask me, which they rarely do. If childhood bullying taught me anything, it's that you don't give other people 'amunition' by sharing any details of your life with them! But I am trying to practice unlearning that in small ways.

 

That's good. I used to write a bit of a journal every night but recently I haven't done it as much and I do notice the difference- I'm not able to (partially) 'deposit' thoughts somewhere when I don't do it.

This is what I am really bad at. Among straight people I am so comfy starting conversations about anything and everything- I actually enjoy small talk- converstion feels like a pleasure rather than an effort. But around gay people I am always thinking 'I wonder if that would be appropriate to bring up? Will anyone be offended? I hope they don't think I'm a creepy stalker. I hope they don't think I'm hitting on them. I hope I'm not weird or boring'. I deliberate about joining in in my head so long and then the opportunity has passed for joining in. I struggle to be 'heard' in larger group conversations, even with straight people. I just seem to fade away. Maybe my voice does too. I have trie talking about sports to them and that goes well, although I know nothing about running and don't run competitively like the rest of them, so I am quite limited. Sorry that I'm moaning again, I honestly do appreciate your message. One of the reasons I struggle to join in is because the main three conversations topics are 1.) getting drunk (I don't go to gay pubs or clubs and I don't drink much nowadays either); 2.) hookups from ###### (not really my thing, no judgment on anyone who likes that though) and; 3.) sport (as I mentioned above).

Yes I will have to be careful not to put myself down I do get the opportunity to explain why I didn't go to the party.

Thank you. I have started writing a list of 'Things I am proud of since I went to university that aren't anything to do with university itself' so I'm prepared when I get grilled about it. My housemate recently dropped me in it by telling our other housemate (who is extremely education- and goal-focussed) that I had quit and he was shocked but seemed OK about it and didn't lecture me. I am dreading telling my Dad.

Sorry to end this on a negative note but I've just found out that this sports group I go to will not be meeting tomorrow like they usually do. I feel really floored because that will be two weeks of missing out now for me- I find myself looking forward to it all week, because I don't have many friends in this city, and it's the only time I get to socialise with other gay people. But there's nothing I can do about it. The only idea I had would be to ask on the group chat if anyone would go for a coffee (like we normally do afterwards) even if we aren't going for a run beforehand. I'd feel so pathetic if no one wanted to though :/

I'm sorry this turned out so negative and so long again- there's no pressure to reply.

 

I am quite scared of my details being found out if I do report it. I know that's a bad attitude to have but it's keeping me silent.

I've decided to share (a very brief version of) the story. I have felt better every time I've shared it. You don't have to read it or reply if you don't want to.

Me and my friend attended a craft fair recently to sell some of our artwork. Two people we knew from university came to look around and sat with us for a while to have a chat. My friend and one of the other people are very loud talkers, and they also don't shy away from 'controversial' topics. I often feel very uncomfortable if they're being loud/talking politics in public and on this occasion they were both talking about the time an artist who was going to visit our university got 'cancelled' because of her views on trans women (which I don't know much about; I quit university- all I know is her artwork wasn't related to those opinions). They were both in favour of her not being allowed to visit.

I wasn't really participating in the conversation because, honestly, I don't know much about art or trans people or transphobia or anything like that really, just because I've had a different background from my friends. A person over the other side of the room who was also selling his artwork at the craft fair (who we'd had a nice chat to earlier) suddenly started yelling at us saying we were saying transphobic things. He yelled at us for 20 minutes. I won't go into all the stuff he said, but the (possibly serious) threat I mentioned above was one thing.

The two things that really bothered me were that he specifiically pointed out my appearance by saying "I have to be careful everytime I go outside to not get beaten up by people like you- 6-foot guys with a bald bead and a ginger beard". (To start with, I am nowhere near 6 feet tall...). I told a colleague who also goes to that fair and she later found this guy on social media and said he has made several posts about 'bald guys with ginger beards'. A trigger for him I guess? Either way, I think it was more about him than about me- hopefully you agree? She was able to see all his social media without since it had no privacy features at all, yet he kept saying he experiences a lot of abuse on social media...

I didn't say anything and just let him rant (there were a lot of children and families around and he was swearing quite a lot, so I didn't want to cause any trouble. The other thing he said was that "If it was a black or muslim person being treated this way [the way he gets a lot of abuse on the street and online] no one would stand for it". That made me very angry because I grew up around a lot of black and muslim people and I know they would have something different to say to that statment!

My one friend is very good at diffusing situations and after he had calmed down my friend spoke to him and explained that he had actually only heard around half our conversation and (surprise surprise) go the wrong idea from the limited amount he'd heard... He seemed calmer and would talk to my friends but I didn't want to talk to someone so angry and aggressive to be honest so I kept my distance. He seemed to be good friends with one of the organisers of the fair too.

So there you have it. Please tell me honestly if you think I was in the wrong. I am still nervous about sharing this on EC. We're all influenced by our upbringing and how we've experienced the world (I think this guy had also had a shitty week, but on the other hand all the other trans people I've met would never shout at someone in public around children or judge other people's appearance either...). I'm not going to go back to that craft fair (which sucks, because now I don't have an outlet to sell my work) but I understand that person had had horrible life experiences, and that not all trans men are like him. But I hope everyone reading this can see why I've been put off engaging with other LGBTQ+ for a while.

 

Well that's it I'm not going to go to the gay sports group anymore.

Not only has the usual weekly meet up been cancelled this week, so that I'll be really nervous seeing everyone again, but I've seen other people from there posting on social media stuff that makes me feel so fucking inferior as a gay man and as a human being.

I can't afford expensive foreign holidays, nor do I have friends I can go with. I'm ugly and I don't have a gorgeous partner and I don't have the balls to advertise so obviously that I'm gay either. I'm pathetic and worthless compared to other people.

I was going to take a huge risk and ask on the group chat to see if anyone else wanted to just go for coffee tomorrow anyway (which we usually do) but now I won't bother. I'll just come over as desperate for human interaction, which I am.

 

Thank you for saying that it's OK to be myself. Almost no one has ever said that to me, so I really am grateful. Most of my life people have been saying the opposite to me.

I am still hoping that the social they have planned for next weekend will go ahead. It's a hike, so something I feel a lot more comfortable doing, and in an area I know well, and outdoors of course.

I still haven't decided if I will put a message on the group chat tomorrow about going for coffee. It would be addressed to everyone as I don't know any one person well enough, so maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea?

I'm sorry for being so negative in my last message. This reply will be short because it is getting late and I have had a bit of a weird day, emotionally.

Thank you for your help.

 

Thanks. I'm still undecided whether to suggest it. On one hand only two people have responded positively to the message that today's meetup would be cancelled, so maybe a lot of us feel the same way I do, that we should go ahead with it. I'll be disappointed if I chicken out of asking, but also the self-loathing will kick in if I ask and no one wants to, so I'm quite stuck really.

 

Thanks Beth. I did put a message on in the end. No one wanted to go due to already having been for a run/too hot/on holiday/ill etc. The conversation quickly turned to focus on them. Maybe that sounds selfish and I should be grateful that people replied. I am not too upset about it, but I just hope they don't think any less of me for asking. I challenged myself to go to the café anyway (it's an LGBTQ+ one) and I did, which I am letting myself feel sort of proud for doing.

You are right that I feel very wound-up. When I'm relaxed with straight people I've been told lots of times that I'm good company and very funny but also a good listener and that I make interesting conversation. I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm boasting.

I would definitely love a relationship. The clock feels like it's ticking. I'm still hoping that there is someone out there who somehow finds me attractive, prefers to communicate in person than over text and will be patient and want to get to know me before making me sleep with them. This is off-topic but even though I have good days now where I mostly let myself like the way I look, I still feel like an ugly fraud who wouldn't be attractive to anyone.

Luckily tomorrow is Monday so I get to go to work for a bit and be around people who make me feel comfy and accepted. We can talk about anything there (sometimes I worry gay people won't get my sense of humour).

Weekends are so lonely for me. It is so true that other people have busy lives. They all seem to be tangled up in friends and partners. I especially wish I had another gay male friend. I have this need that's been building inside me to fever-pitch recently to 'tell my story': I want to know if what I feel is normal.

I've written a lot again and my phone died so I had to re-write it. As always, there's no pressure to reply as I feel I've been using the free support of people on EC as a crutch lately.