I've failed again at making friends/being gay

The LGBT sports group I'm a part of had a one-year anniversary tonight which involved a party at someone's house.

I didn't go because I felt pretty nervous about:

1. it being at someone's house who I don't know well
2. said person doesn't like me very much (I think)
3. I'm pretty nervous around big crowds
4. I've been feeling more shy than usual recently
5. They were going to move onto a gay venue afterwards

I feel like I've failed. I was so scared to go because I was worried no one likes me, or would talk to me, or that I'd be wearing clothes that aren't any good (I'm never sure what to wear). If it had been a going for drinks at a normal pub I would have gone, but I'm not totally comfy going to any LGBT-specific places yet :/

I feel really ashamed. Someone else on the group asked me if I was going and I made up an excuse about having a prior engagment (he could tell it was a lie). He said he'd love me to go too, so I feel I've let everyone else down too. And now I've blown my chance completely. Who knows when the next social event will be? I'm just very nervous about the kind of loud, boisterous places that gay people seem to love- what's wrong with a normal bar or pub?? I'm totally comfy in one of those! Am I weird for not wanting to go to the house of someone I barely know?

I feel ashamed of being 28 and still not enjoying this kind of stuff. Everyone in the group is much richer and better-educated than me too- I feel so stupid and inferior around them- they all have degrees and have high-paying jobs, but I'm just a cleaner from a poorer area (and a university drop-out). And don't even get me started on how they all look good when I look like shit.

 

Thank you. I often feel bad for being 'too gay' around straight people and 'not gay enough' around gays. I would try gay venues more often, as some of them where I live seem like quieter places, but then they always seem to have to have some sort of loud event like a drag show on... Every. Single. Night.

I feel ashamed about how far I have come [haven't come] compared to other people- there are people in the sports club who are from countries where being gay is not accepted at all, and yet they have so much confidence compared to me. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm 28 and I ought to have my shit together by now.

The thing is, when I don't compare myself I love my [lower-paid] job. I get a real sense of satisfaction from it. I like my collegaues a lot as they're all from a similar background to me. I also chose to drop out of university recently. I was not even studying an academic subject, but I know this was the right decision for me, yet I still feel like I've failed, even though I'm content with the lifestyle I've purposely pursued. But one goal I suppose I should try is being comfortable in spaces where everyone is LGBTQ and it's loud and you're expected to dance. I've always felt inferior because I don't like nightclubs. I'm the same with live music events- never been to one, ever wanted to, but feel ashamed about that.

A few weeks ago I was trying to make a list of things I like about myself. It's not a huge list, to be honest. I was trying to add two things a day to it, but didn't manage for very long.

When I see the others today and if they ask me why I didn't go I was thinking of saying that I'm nervous in big groups and maybe even say that I'm especially cautious of LGBTQ spaces.

 

It's frustrating isn't it, because I don't know how to counter the inner-critic. And my inner-critic sounds a lot liek real-life people, so I worry that maybe I would be being completely deluded to like myself.

 

Thank you for your message Beth. I'm not sure that I do have any friends who I can be myself around. I have a group of friends at home (three hours from where I live now) but we are drifting apart. Whenever I let my guard down and 'act gay' two of them often look disapproving and uncomfy though I definitey moderate my behaviour around them. And in the city I live in now (for almost there years) I only have oe friend, who is also one of my housemates. I have gone to a lot of stuff to try to make friends- learning a language, this sports group, a community garden... but failed so far.

I do hope my confidence picks up soon. I feel I've worked so very hard since childhood to push myself, but I don't feel I can see results. And even if (as my parents often say) I'm A LOT more confident than I used to be, I'm still a lifetime behind normal people. Do you mean like doing well at work? Because for me at the moment that is one thing that is really going well. It's the first time I've enjoyed my job, and I genuinely enjoy getting up in the morning. Four blissful hours of doing something I'm good at - cleaning - in a museum, around other people who grew up on a council estate like me, with lots of laughter and fun relaxed conversation. Unfortunately despite that I've been finding it difficult to come out at work to everyone. I have been feeling a bit 'invisible' even there recently- unable to chip into conversations and feeling more shy than usual.

Unfortunately I've let myself down again here. Although they talked about the party a lot no one asked me about it, and I had no idea how to bring it up I've come home and burst into tears. I just have no idea at the moment how to talk to people I don't know well. I'm always worried I'm too boring. Plus, I have a really good memory, so I don't like to ask people too many questions in case they think I'm creepy. I think I make people nervous and scared to approach me because I give off 'nervous energy'. At least that's what my 'friend' always tells me. I even got told by a stranger the other day that I 'Look like a transphobe'. And it doesn't help that I don't know the first thing about gay culture, so I can't talk about that either.

One other thing that I did wrong is that this sports group have recently had t-shirts printed with their logo and I am one of the only people who didn't order one I didn't feel I deserved to wear it to be honest. Now I'll stand out even more as the unfriendly one.

 

Thank you very much. I definitely agree that 'fake it till you make it' often works with confidence. Recently I've been feeling too scared of social situations for it to work but hopefully this is just a passing phase.

 

Yes- confidence is at the root of so many of my problems. I hope I am still working on being comfy with myself- it doesn't always feel like I have made progress.

'Owning your story' is a good way to put it. I have this yearning to tell my story too, so that the other gay people I know - to whom socialising in gay spaces with gay people is normal - understand that for me I have to put in so much more effort just to show up in these events. I want them to understand that I am sincerely trying my best. I'd like to be judged against the progress I've made and the courage I show (because I really think I do), not against other people who had a headstart.

 

Thank you Yes, it has been helpful to come on EC and it is making being gay more normal and everyday for me.

There is one person who I think understands what's up and maybe understands a bit better that I'm shy around gay people. He was the one who tried to get me to change my mind about not going to the party, so I feel like I let him down a bit. I always feel surprised that he voluntarily talks to me because he's so very out and proud and seems to have his life sorted; high-paying job, fancy apartment and gorgeous long-term boyfriend.

One really good thing has happened since I made the post. They are organising another social event and this time there is no alcohol, it's not in an LGBTQ space and it's in the morning All perfect for me. They're doing a walk/hike and it sounds perfect for me so I've said I'll go.

It's weird- sit me in a normal [straight] pub and I can have a great night and feel relaxed and at-ease and like I belong there, but just the mention of an LGBTQ meet-up sends my anxiety through the roof.

 

Oh definitely! The interaction with the person who said I looked like a transphobe was intense (long story, won't share it here, I understand it was just that specific person being a douche, not all trans people, and I feel better about it now that I did just after it had happened. It involved being yelled at in public to give you an idea!).

I also usually go to the gay sports group every week, but had to miss a week due to work schedule, and I find that missed week does set me back a bit when it comes to feeling comfy socialising

 

Thank you. The sense of shame I have about how 'far along' the journey I am is immense. There are plenty of factors that caused it, but they aren't all good things to bring up in polite conversation, so I don't often feel comfy discussing it anywhere but EC, but I still feel the urge to justify it.

I wouldn't be surprised if he suggested the idea of a hike as a social event to the organiser, thinking people like me might be more into that than drinking at a gay club.