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It Is Time

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Rvnt, Jul 15, 2017.

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  1. dreamingfreely

    dreamingfreely
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    Hey Rvnt it is a good idea to find some type of event to just be around lgbt people. I am thinking of going to a classic car show. I liked this page on Facebook called Fabulous Hillcrest, gay neighborhood near me, and now I know about all the upcoming events. So far I have been to a couple events with my daughter and it was the most relaxed I have felt in a while. So much of a positive laid back vibe. I think I just want to be around people.
     
    #21 dreamingfreely, Jul 20, 2017
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  2. Silverbirch

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    Isn't it interesting how, over time, one can be out then back in again. It never crossed my mind when I was younger that things would be any different to how they were then, or that with each move or each job change, the question would come up again and again because there would be new people to tell or not tell. And as negative influences grow, it's less difficult to then curl up inside a shell and then to possibly lose touch with yourself and who you are to the extent that you're so far away from authenticity it's incredibly difficult to find a way back. Thanks for your thoughts Rvnt. :slight_smile:
     
    #22 Silverbirch, Jul 21, 2017
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  3. Imjustjulien

    Imjustjulien
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    Hi Rvnt, welcome to EC and thank you so much for sharing a little of your journey.

    I'm just about to turn sixty, and its nice to read a liitle of someone in the same vintage, young at heart for sure. If on the other side of the fence, but then here we're all in the same muliticoloured flower filled field.

    Drawing from your last para:

    "It feels so good to write....."
    "It answers many questions for me as to why I have been so anxious and procrastinatingon some things."
    "Not being out, at least to myself, is a big disservice to my soul."

    Yes, Yes, Yes...there with you all the way.

    Cheers from

    ImJustJulien
     
    #23 Imjustjulien, Jul 25, 2017
  4. Rvnt

    Rvnt
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    Imjustjulien,

    Nice to hear from you! Best to you on your journey. We are here to support each other.
     
    #24 Rvnt, Jul 25, 2017
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  5. Imjustjulien

    Imjustjulien
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    "Wonderful"
     
    #25 Imjustjulien, Jul 25, 2017
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  6. Rvnt

    Rvnt
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    I just wanted to update on my progress to being more out and being more myself. My road map for the coming out process continues to be a very helpful and supportive book called Outing Yourself by Michelangelo Sigorile and the support here. There are many other fine books as well. What I miss a lot is having gay/lesbian friends. I really have isolated myself too much in recent years. And, following this book, this is the next step I need to take -- developing lesbian/gay friendships. I used to have a lesbian coworkers, but not now. My lesbian friend used be part of music group with me almost every Saturday, but is on a different path right now but may be returning soon. I sure hope so. I miss her too.

    So, I really need to figure out where I am going to start developing this group of friends. Fortunately, there is at least one meetup group and a LGBTQ Center in my community. I am looking forward to a picnic with the lesbian meetup group next week. I went last year, but made the mistake of engaging way too long with someone I thought was mentally unhealthy, so will not do that again. Nothing has really resonated for me with the Center as far as activities. I am going to really make the effort to explore what other activities I can join and be a part of to develop new friendships online. The nice thing is that sometimes lesbian friendships just happen, so going to be open to that possibility too.
     
    #26 Rvnt, Jul 30, 2017
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  7. beagle

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    HI Rvnt , I got the book from a second hand book store online and have started reading "Outing Yourself" . I was going to ask with the historical section did you find bits and pieces online or old school books? Have fun at the picnic sounds fun. Am going to a walking group next weekend a 12 mile walk . Done one before so at least i knwo the group leader.

    I am typing this with "outing yourself " book spread open cover up on the floor in my room with the door open and i remember it says not to leave it where someone can find it good job am out to my parents. :slight_smile: . Am back living at home , i know but it is a start.
     
    #27 beagle, Jul 30, 2017
  8. Rvnt

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    Hi Beagle, I actually have a download of this from Kindle. Yes, it is an older book, but most everything still applies to now. If you are already out to your parents, you have taken more than the first steps!!! It just dawned on me that when I go to the picnic and talk to other lesbians, I will get all kinds of ideas and suggestions about what it going on in the community, as well as looking online.
     
    #28 Rvnt, Jul 30, 2017
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  9. Silverbirch

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    I just received my book in the post today. Until I came back to this thread yesterday I'd forgotten I ordered it! Ooops. Really looking forward to dipping into it later :slight_smile:
     
    #29 Silverbirch, Jul 31, 2017
  10. Searching1

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    I've been tempted to buy this book as well. Is it primarily if you are having a hard time coming out to others, or would it help with self acceptance and coming out to yourself?
     
    #30 Searching1, Jul 31, 2017
  11. Silverbirch

    Silverbirch
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    Rvnt recommended it to me because of the internalised homophobia I have (there's a chapter on that), but just glancing through it I'm finding that it's just really nice to read people's stories and feel that I'm not alone. :slight_smile:
     
    #31 Silverbirch, Jul 31, 2017
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  12. Searching1

    Searching1
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    Thanks! I'll have to get it. I am learning I too have internalized homophobia and would love to read of other's experiences.
     
    #32 Searching1, Jul 31, 2017
  13. Rvnt

    Rvnt
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    So the plan was to go to the lesbian meetup. I felt kind of bad this morning, not sure why, and did yoga, but still felt bad. I went to the store, bought some potluck items, came home, and just starting crying and crying and crying. I felt like I was having a case of stage fright, being asked to get in front of other people when I really did not feel prepared. I felt like the bottom was falling out of me. I felt scared. And I was just flooded with memories of my last relationship and the life I lived back then.

    It was a real relationship. We lived together, we had plans for the future. We both essentially got along. I thought we cared about each other. Sometimes if we had a disagreement, one of us would start laughing. End of problem. She supported my creative endeavors that took a good part of my time. I had a great, full-time job in a place where half the people were gay or lesbian. I lived in a gayer part of town. We celebrated 2000 together, several gay pride events, went away for the weekend several times, had friends over, had cozy evenings with movies, eating out, and just being part of the local gay and lesbian community. I had a lot of lesbian acquaintances, if not friends. Went on for years. We even joked that week that we were going to be together as little old ladies in our rocking chair.

    Then one Saturday, after we shopped for food for the week, had lunch together at home, and the day after we went to a big concert together and I met some of her work friends, she announced she was leaving. No explanation. Just, I have to go. I will never forget that day. It is just all flowing back to me today, our life together. I was left with all of this cleaning out the condo we rented together, no support from her friends, except one who told me, oh by the way, I should have told you, but periodically she flips out mentally, I feel so guilty for not telling you before. And indeed she did flip out mentally and the last time I saw her was in a psyc hospital. After I visited her there, to be supportive despite the horror she had done, I never ever saw her again. She never made any attempt to contact me, nor did any of her friends, except the one who felt guilty. She did some favors for me, made it sound like I was too good for her, and I never saw this mutual friend again.

    I joined this forum right around gay pride events where I live. I just started to feel such a longing for that community, the time I spent there, all the things I did with my partner, the thrill of being part of all of this and having every part of my life working out well. And, as I feel today, I am tried of pseudo relationships with straight women. I cannot do that anymore.

    I realize there is such a deep grief inside of me, I am feeling so vulnerable and not going to a party today. I do not know where or when this grief ends, or what makes up for a decade of a life back in the closet, except to say I grew in other ways and really put a lot into my creative stuff. Anyway, for all of how bad this feels, it had to express itself, I need to heal this, and make the next attempt to get on with my life. I am not ready to be a part of any lesbian community, and, in truth, its not always supportive.

    After she left, I bought a house, moved to a different part of town, and have not been in a relationship since. I thought I had healed all of this with an energy healer, but obviously not. Being in a different part of town made it easy to go back in the closet. The job I had when I was with her, with all the gay and lesbian employees, ended too.

    I realize how closing off this whole identity of lesbian has been so damaging to me. I do not think I have been able to get close to anyone, except a best friend who I came out to, in years.

    So today all these old memories came out. Its a wall of grief. Of loss. Of missed opportunities, Of having to start again. Its never really expressing the pain of having your partner of years just leave, without explanation. So much stored up after all this time. Even if she had a mental problem, one would think that in the past 15 years there would have been one moment she thought about what she did. Never.

    So, probably all this expressed itself today because I am strong enough to heal this. I have tools to use for healing. It just seems so overwhelming today.
     
    #33 Rvnt, Aug 6, 2017
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  14. Rvnt

    Rvnt
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    Wow, I just wrote the most significant post yesterday and not one reply or measure of interest. I am done here, this site is not for me, and I am going forward to participate in something much better and I have already found it. Guess the universe really has my back, and its not here. If I could delete all of this. I would. Grateful for what I learned here. Time to take action, not just vent. Done.
     
    #34 Rvnt, Aug 7, 2017
  15. Silverbirch

    Silverbirch
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    Oh, I just read your post from yesterday. I'm sorry I didn't see it yesterday. :frowning2:

    I felt both sad and happy for you at the same time. Sad about what had happened in the past, but also happy because to finally grieve after so long is a really good thing. It's progress. That you weren't even aware that you had unfinished grieving must have made things unintentionally difficult for you.

    I hope you don't go, you've said some really insightful things to me that have helped me a lot over the last couple of weeks.

    Best wishes.
     
    #35 Silverbirch, Aug 7, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2017
  16. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Hey I'm sorry you feel like this. I hope you will reconsider your decision and give people a chance to comment on your post. People here are not professionals and sometimes miss posts or do not know what to say. I of course cannot speak for everyone but I for one have been quite busy this weekend and I have still been logging on and replying to notifications I haven't really spent much time looking at new posts.
    I totally get how gut wrenching it can be when you pour your inner thoughts out in a post and nobody seems to show interest or reply whilst other threads people can't reply to fast enough, I have been in your position but I get the feeling there is more to this than just a lack of interest in your post and maybe I am wrong but if you want to talk you can post on my wall any time.
     
    #36 silverhalo, Aug 7, 2017
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  17. silverhalo

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    I am not sure we ever know why these things show up when they do but I think you are right, I think they often show up when we are ready and have the strength and tools to deal with them. I am sorry you are feeling low but hopefully this low period will in the long run help you move forward on your journey and help you onto greater heights.

    I can't imagine the pain you went through when your partner left, that was such an awful thing to happen and with so few answers I can only imagine the heartache and confusion and questioning. It sounds to me a bit like at the time rather than grieve you were very strong and dealt with it by shutting all of those things that reminded you of her out of your life, your sexuality, the area, LGBT friends and support groups. I don't blame you in the slightest. I can see that you thought you were over it and then the shock of it reappearing I am not surprised you were crying. It sounds like rather than being over it you had suppressed it and it had laid dormant within you until now.
    I wonder if maybe there have been times she has wanted to contact you but personally if I had done to someone what she did to you, I would assume they would never want to speak to me again.

    Are you seeing a counsellor? It may be helpful as you navigate your way through all of these old feelings and find a way to deal with them correctly and make peace with the past so that you can move forward and rekindle the love for those things that you used to have.

    I can understand why you feel you are not ready to be a part of a lesbian community and I agree that they are not all supportive. I think what you ought to aim for is a supportive community which is LGBT friendly, so a group of friends who you share hobbies and interests with who may or may not be LGBT and then use that as a stepping stone. Small baby steps.

    The feeling of dread and horror at the lesbian meetup, did you ever have those kind of feelings towards EC?

    How many people are you out to at the moment?
     
    #37 silverhalo, Aug 7, 2017
  18. azzi

    azzi
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    Reading your post felt like my heart's getting squeezed, reminded me of my heartbreak with my only exgirlfriend about 8 years ago. It was very painful. There is nothing the i could say that could make you feel even a little better. What you've gone through, being left alone, having to start a new life.. and thinking how hard it was to come out in the first place and endure the stuff that comes along with coming out and and then having to be left alone after getting used with that lifestyle all of a sudden.. thats a blow.. i'm so sorry you have to go through that. Cry it out. Scream from the top of your lungs. As loud as you can. Heck do everything, anything except hurting yourself of course. Like you said, you are strong. In time, it will get better. It always does. My prayers with you :slight_smile:
     
    #38 azzi, Aug 7, 2017
  19. Searching1

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    I saw your post briefly right before going to sleep last night but didn't have time to reply, and I started a new job today so it's been busy. I'm so sorry you didn't get responses after pouring your heart out. I truly sympathize for you and it tugged at my heart reading what you had been through. I am so incredibly sorry for your heartache and having someone so dear to you leave your life so suddenly. I am sure it was suffocating to be living back in the closet for all of those years. It is very brave of you to put yourself out there again.

    This really is a great community and a wonderful place to find support. I do hope you stay. Everyone has been incredibly supportive and it is nice to have somewhere to go to with all of these feelings and thoughts we hold in. Take care ❤️
     
    #39 Searching1, Aug 7, 2017
  20. leb10

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    Rvnt, I'm glad you posted and I know how hard it is to wait for a reply - waiting for a connection to tether you to something, anything because you're drowning. I felt your grief through your words. I wish I had more insightful wisdom to bestow but I don't because I'm such a mess right now too. So I'll leave words of support. Grief can be so overwhelming and hit in the most unexpected ways and times, especially grief from loss without any type of closure. What happened to you was terrible and you dealt with it however you needed to at the time. Please be kind to yourself as you work through this and figure out where to go next. I think you know what you want so take a little time and then a few steps forward.
     
    #40 leb10, Aug 7, 2017
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