Hello, this seems like a great forum. I am in my 60's, but very youthful, healthy, work full time, and am a musician as well. With that being said, I also had an epiphany of sorts yesterday at work where I just finally put the pieces together and decided it is time to stop my inner nonsense and just be the lesbian that I am. The epiphany was this strong attraction to a coworker and how good that felt. This coworker is straight, as far as I can tell. In fact she mentioned oh, the Pride parade is this weekend, and I said, yes, I have not been to the parade in awhile, maybe I will go, and then she mentioned she had gone in the past, which does not mean anything to me except that she is gay accepting, or she suspects I am gay, and then she mentioned in passing that she does not hate men anymore because of this nice man she met online she has a platonic relationship with.. Back in the day, I pursued a relationship with a woman when I was 20 and we had a relationship for over a year. I ended it because I thought I needed to cure myself, LOL. I had some relationships with men, but they only seemed to reinforce my attractions to women. in my 40's I had a live in relationship with a woman for a few years. It was a nice relationship and at that time I was also rediscovering my musical self, which she was supportive of and I thought we were going to spend our lives together. One day, after we went shopping for food for the week, out of the blue, she announced she was leaving. I realized she had some mental health problems, but I misread the extent of them. And so began a long period of no relationships, putting my energies towards getting a late life degree in music in one of the most lesbian friendly towns imaginable (which I ignored att the time) and just turning into a person who, at this point in time, is so sick and tired of the closet I have created for myself and so capable of tricking my mind that I am not really gay for long periods of time. For the last two years I have been playing music with a woman who is lesbian and some other people. She had a partner at the time, actually recognized me as lesbian, asked, and I responded yes, and she encouraged me to try online dating. I dipped my toe into this but stopped. At this point in time, I think I am going to try this again. I would say I am partially out, even in spite of my periods of my own gay denial. When my mother was alive, I outed myself to her. It has never been an issue of lack of family acceptance, its just my own self-imposed prison I created for myself and, really, as of today, I am out and I am stayiing out. "Out" is a process. Its does not mean I have to run up to everyone in my life and proclaim who I am. But, it is an inner knowing of who I really am. I am out to my best friend, also a past coworker I was attracted to who I still flirt with, but there are other areas of my life where I have not gone there. But even with these firiends I know they are gay friendly. Maybe this is OK for now, as being out to them will happen in these own time. I suspect people I know think I am lesbian, even tough I am fem looking. And, for whatever reason, I have this need to out myself to this coworker at my present job I mentioned above, not because I have any fantasies of a future relationship, but just because she has extended friendship, seems gay friendly, and it would be nice to share who I really am. One reason I have decided to join this forum and write is because I need to set up accountability for myself, and maybe this will help someone else, something here will resonate. I am so capable of mind games with myself that will put me back in lesbian denial, it is really "amazing." And I do not mean this in a positive way. And, I want this thread to be a kind of journey back to my lesbian identity, rejoining the lesbian community, starting to date again, and stop pining for straight women who are not available. So this is Pride month where I live. I do not have any compelling desire to participate as I do not have any friends in this lesbian community at this time, outside of my music partner, but I am seeing this weekend as an inner process for me to reflect on where I have been and where I am going, cutting the nonsense, perhaps revisiting parts of my past. Last night I watched When Night is Falling on Amazon, one of my favorite lesbian movies, and it brought back pleasant memories of living with my past ex, where we lived and the time we spent together. I have never before been able to access those feelings of being back there with her, so this was nice! We watched a lot of movies together. I have rejoined a Lesbian meetup group and there is a picnic later this month, which feels like a more comfortable way for me to rejoin the lesbian community. It feels so good to write this morning. It answers to many questions for me as to why I have been so anxious and procrastinating on some things. Not being out, at least to myself, is a big disservice to my soul.