Is it too late - Am I in too deep?

Happiness can happen to anyone as long as you believe you deserve it.

I totally get the logistical difficulties of leaving a relationship, especially when you have children but I would counter your above arguement with, what do you think having a mother who is never truely happy does to your children's childhoods? Children are very perceptive and they can see these things. What kind of message would you like your children to get?

 

It sounds like you get on with men on a friendship level. Probably the reason you find women terrifying is because the feelings are so much stronger and the chance of getting hurt so much greater. I've spoken to quite a few people on here who have said dating the opposite sex was easier because there wasn't as much riding on it. If the relationship broke down they were less bothered.

I think you need to work on your self believe and worth, I know it's tricky especially when you are in a difficult situation and you are potentially the one ending it but that doesn't mean you are not worthy of finding happiness. I'm sure there are women out there who wouldn't accept your family situation but that doesn't mean it's all of them. It just means they aren't the right girl for you. I know several women with kids who have then gotten into relationships after leaving a marriage or long term relationship with a man so there is no reason nobody would want you.
It sounds to me regardless of your sexuality you relationship is not healthy so even if you were to break up and then pursue a relationship with another man (not that I'm suggesting that), it still sounds like it would be the best move. The fact you would then pursue women is just a fact.

 

I relate to this so much! You're definitely not alone. I am in a 10 year marriage with 2 kids. The idea of leaving my husband, and everything that comes with that, so much of which is unknown, is terrifying. I wish I had something to make it easier, for you and I both. I am realizing that the process of working through things and making a decision to stay or go and what that means can take a long time, which is something I felt alone with. At first it seemed like everything I read was about people who made decisions relatively quickly, within a few months, and that seemed (and is) so impossible for me/my situation.

 

You have to walk your own path, not try and follow someone else's. It might seem longer but you never know what you will see/experience whilst you are on it. You will get to where you need to be when the time is right.

 

Yes! Brilliantly said! It is helpful to see others succeed on their paths, and to know there is a way. But everyone is different.

 

Exactly and there may well be similar bits but also unique parts.

 

Your life is literally mimicking mine. Its freaky that it's that similar, even down to meeting a girl online...I did fall head over heels for her, but the reality is we could never be together because of out families and distance. I feel absolutely lost at the minute. I have another girl that is really interested in me, but my mind is killing me with thought of my husband, kids and ex. As for my husband, we went through a really bad patch but he has started being nice and considerate again..ideally I would love to just carry on with him, but I know deep down I'm a lesbian. Its giving me serious anxiety, sleeplessness and have no idea what to do anymore

 

Thank you. I appreciate all views and comments. I know my head is constantly thinking about it. It's hard to shift. I seem to keep thinking about my family, my husband and the hurt I'm causing. I did tell him I was battling with my sexuality a couple of years ago. He originally thought it was a phase, but overtime he realised I'm really battling. We have been through some bad times. He generally Is a very good man, but over the years he's had his moments too which made me think was it the reason why I started questioning originally. I think I was grasping at straws to be honest. He doesn't know I had an affair. An affair that honestly broke my heart. Its over the last 2 months and probably partly the reason my anxiety is sky high as she moved on less than a month after we broke up. I also keep looking at my husband thinking, can I make it worth and a what cost.

 

I think your last comment about 'at what cost' is what you really need to think about. I know you dont want to cause pain to anyone but even staying in the relationship with him is going to hurt him in the long run, unless you really want to be there.

 

Thank you. I know it's not fair on him. He wants to save our relationship. I am going to see a counsellor, hopefully soon enough and go from there.

 

Thanks. I know we are living in a pretend marriage at the moment. He doesn't want to lose me but understands that it's not something I just decided. I agree with the comment that a straight woman/man wouldn't think like that. I am going to start with the baby steps and start with trying to get my mind right. I am going forward for counselling so hopefully will make things a bit clearer.

 

Sounds like a good plan. I know its not easy, you have done such a great job to get to this point. I am sure there will be ups and downs ahead but in the end they will all be worth it.

 

I think a respected therapist will be helpful. Carefully research them to find one that you think you feel comfortable with.

Try to consider your marital relationship from the viewpoint of, when it works why is it working and on the flip side when it doesn't work what's going wrong to cause the upheaval. Examine the situations without any preconceived idea it's because of your sexuality. The most important part of your decision is the welfare of your children. I know there are people here telling you that you can be happy. But that falls second to the well being or your children.

There is a man in my life I consider to be my son. Actually he's my step grandson from my first marriage. I sacrificed for years to spend time with him and give him the best I could under the circumstances. When he was born he came home to our house and never left. I raised him as mine. When my marriage failed, I spent every weekend with him until he got old enough he started wanting to do things with his friends. That was around 13. I didn't date and lived in less than ideal housing to be there when he needed me. He's grown now, married with children. We are best friends, he's happy and has a good life. I would not give up a minute of the time I've spent with him and for him. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. Even though it came from a failed marriage.

The point I'm trying to make is that our children are our first responsibility. I'm not suggesting you stay married. Only that you examine it from the perspective of what is best for your children. That may mean that you leave and take custody of the children. It may mean that you stay. Only you can determine what's best. Love your children and do what's best for them. You'll find your way for yourself in the process.