Too powerful. All my life I tried mercilessly to jack off to straight porn, despite the fact that I wouldn't get a boner. Then I watched gay porn and got highly turned on by it, but still said "Oh, it's probably because I'm depressed today." And when I would get turned on by guys in real life, I would say "Must be one of those days, I still like girls, I mean I find them beautiful..." Funny thing is I never wanted to be with a girl, especially kiss. The girlfriends I had were an awkward and confusing mess. Even when I had sex, I would still keep saying "Oh, I'm thinking about guys because I don't feel like fucking today." Like seriously, who was I fooling, MYSELF!
It definitely had a strong influence on me. It's got me here telling myself, "God, I am so f*cking gay... how on Earth did I not know."
Denial is powerful. Some people go well in to adulthood never admitting they are gay, even to themselves.
yes. just ask my dear ol mum on me bein male. two years and she has the occasional thing where it seems like she's acceptin me, but overall she's very much in denial and it's pathetic.
Yes. It was really powerful for me. Ofcourse, some people go through conscious denial, and some go through unconscious one.. both suck. First one made me hate myself, the second one made me feel like an idiot.
Yes. I was dating this girl and she treated me like shit. Instead of breaking up with her and showing her the mistakes she made, I denied everything, I figured she's the angel and I'm the disgusting monstrosity and I blamed everything on myself. It took me YEARS to realize that, and when she finally switched me for a guy, reality just hit me and I was like - oh my God, why was I so fucking dumb??? So, yeah ... denial is a very, very, very powerful thing, especially when it's fueled by blind, one-sided love.
For me, yes. I recall a couple of occasions where I nearly came out to myself, with years in between. Denial and repression are the reasons it's taken me so long to start coming to terms with who I am and who I want to be with. I think I'm still struggling with it, honestly.
For me, it was like tiny mini Piranhas being unleashed in your blood stream making their way into your brain and stomach, eating you up slowly little by little. You grow forgetful, you want to cry all the time, you want to scream for help but can't because well, you won't allow yourself to show weakness to others because it might cause a riff in your life. Eventually the problems turn from mental into physical and you start to feel pains in your chest whenever you feel any sort of deviation from your denial and your whole personality turns rotten and you act like a wounded animal lashing out at those around you while hoping for death to put you out of your hellish existence. I would urge anyone with denial to destroy it immediately because not only does it take your mind but it can destroy your soul as well. It might not even seem like much at first to deny but trust me, it get's worse if you let it hurt you for as long as I let it do to me.
Wow! It's taken me 2 and I sometimes have trouble believing it could take that long for me; must have been a very long 6 years for you. stocking, to answer your question yes very very powerful. I had a moment when I was 10 where I thought I was gay, and I freaked out and I blocked it out so I don't even know what set me off or what made me think I might be, but I couldn't forget the moment entirely because that emotion, that fear was incredibly potent. After having my first kiss with a boy in high school feeling shaky and wanting to cry, and I figured that was normal; I thought maybe I was just overcome with emotion, and that sadness was a part of how you're supposed to feel when you like someone. There were moments at bars where I would catch myself checking out girls and would think "wow, i need to train myself harder to look at guys. people might think i'm gay." And I would berate myself if I didn't. I feel like in a way i was trying to "ex-gay therapy" myself. I don't know why I thought this was normal. Uhhhmm so yeah it took me years after these experiences to come to terms with myself. Denial can drastically alter memory, or even in-the-moment interpretation of emotional responses.