In love with my straight best friend

It's possible that he's gay or bisexual. At this point, though, it really does not matter at all, and to linger on that thought and entertain it would not be helpful to you or him at all. He'll have to want to change his habits and challenge his addiction regardless of the reasons... and therapy would be seriously the best thing for him if or when he wants to turn his life around. In short, it doesn't matter whether he is or not at this point in time, and it's also very, very possible and plausible that it's his addiction speaking for him.

 

I agree with luthan,

Wondering if he is gay or bi is not helpful in your situation. It shouldn't matter at this point. Making amends is a step in the right direction. Focus on yourself. Focus on your happiness. Whenever he decides to turn his life around, he will do so. It sounds harsh especially since you care for him so much but he needs to do this on his own and in his own time.

Because of your feelings for him, I think your judgement may be a bit cloudy. Distance yourself and focus on you. When you feel you are objective enough, maybe then MAYBE you can reach out to him. But don't fall back into this pattern. If he decides to change, tell him and yourself that actions speaks louder than words. He needs to prove himself to you. There need to be a huge change. Not a slight change and you start making excuses for him and for you.

Hope this helps. Sorry if its harsh but please look at this objectively. At this point you and him arent being objective.

 

Hey awesome,
Hows it been for you?
I see you've contacted your friend again. I hope that'll be the last for a while. You both could use some time apart sorting out your lives.
I know, I know..so absolute, so final...but not really. Six months.
If you and him were true friends and have something real even as friends, it'll still be around six months from now. I think it's vital you use that time to gain a new perspective. Part of adult sexual and emotional maturity involves taking those tough steps that we all must take if we are to enjoy happy, productive, well rounded lives.
By paying your friend for sex, you took an unhealthy shortcut that won't lead to anything happy. Over time, paying will seem less and less wrong and you'll have stronger rationalizations why you should, just as you're trying to do in most of your post here. Oh he's basically gay, he's never been with a girl, his body anticipates sex and he gets hard, I love him so it's okay...but all of those are wrong, you're not in a REAL relationship, you're not truly loved and you're not truly loving.
Over time, it might seem easier for you to do that with all your relationships, rather than take the steps necessary for a proper relationship, but it will leave you empty inside.
And you and him are worthy of - and deserve a chance at a real loving relationship. -Regardless of who your other halves turn out to be.
I took a lot of time reading your posts awesomekid, and it didn't really sound to me like you were very comfortable being gay. God knows it took me enough years to begin to be comfortable in my own skin, it's not easy. But there are not shortcuts. We all have a path to walk, and there are certain things we must do on this journey, else we'll find ourselves old and alone - victims of our own fears and anxieties.
So, give yourself a real chance....
Serenity Prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Alcoholics anonymous and other twelve step programs use that often, I've never attended any meetings and don't consider myself especially religious as I don't believe in church, but I do believe in a higher power. I see myself as spiritual.
So if you're not comfortable with that as a prayer, then simply take it as an axiom, it's logic is a great starting point for you. Theres much about your friend and the situation you just can't help or fix right now, but theres a lot of things you can work on yourself right now. Love yourself first, then you'll be better able to love others.
Good Luck.

 

I feel bad for you. As for your situation. Been there done that.

To be blunt. You are your own worst enemy.

Whether hi is gay, bi, curious. It doesn't matter. He would have had sex with you and stayed with you if he was really interested. I am really sorry because I won't write everything I've been through to explain, I have truly been there. It NEVER gets better with him, you would have to play the fool with him to stay with you.

It hurts but move on. You need to love yourself more than you love him. Questioning and hoping it will change is not going to change it.

3 times I've been through it. Since I was 13. For real. They are truly nice guys. They don't want to hurt you and just want to be friends, but can't turn down gifts or money if they need it. Only when the respect you, will they cut themselves off from you. Then it hurts again, because you wanted more than they will give.

 

awesome,

You're good though if you haven't contacted him in a while. The feels you have are normal. This is why you need to begin the process of getting a better outlook on life. Use the guilt and shame you feel as your resolve to not let yourself slip into a situation like this again. And like I said, the pain you'll feel of him not being there, you will feel everyday for a long time. Just remember that what you had wasn't real, it was an artificial substitution brought on by cash and pills. But given enough time, this pain, it will eventually get less and less. I think its a great idea if you see a counselor and focus your time on friends and activities. Keep yourself busy.
Remember that life still has many lessons to teach you and if you are willing, it also has many rewards to offer you. Don't lose hope now, the hardest part is over, now its time to get on with your life and be happy.
Good Luck

 

You need a psychologist or therapy to help you through this pile of mess. I guarantee you if you do ever consider, they will say much of the exact same things a lot of people have offered you in this thread. Technically you clearly already know what you're doing wrong, and since none of us know you in real life, we're not there to stop you and we have nothing else to say but read more of your depressing posts of how you can't stop clinging onto this guy. I really hope that you actually mean that it's finally over, because you've implied that many times in your thread yet more has happened since every time you'd say it's over.

Best of luck in your situation.

 

Here's a question for you: why are you playing these games with him? What do you hope to achieve?

 

You're not stupid. Very few people are. However, I've noticed that you cycle between cutting off contact between him completely and interacting with him somewhat slyly. Ideally, you wouldn't do the latter action, as it's not helpful for you or for him, either. You've gotten great feedback in this thread. If you're feeling a bit lost, or sometimes forget why you're doing what you're doing, or need a bit more direction or guidance, I honestly would suggest skimming over this thread again.

I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with talking to him again, but if it's with the intent of prodding for information about whether he's interested in you or whether he's jealous over you or not, and if it includes telling unnecessary lies, I really suggest not doing it. It's perpetuating the existence of drama, and drama only exists if you allow it to.

 

awesomekid,

I've been looking in on this thread from time to time, seeing how yer doing. I understand how painful this must be for you. I could very easily have found myself in a similiar situation in the past. I understand how lonely it must feel that you need to love someone and his imprint on your heart is strong.
And it sounds like at the heart of this, things began innocently enough and somewhere deep down, there is a true friendship of some kind. The problem is that it's been so badly tainted with money, drugs and sex its hard to see where the love ends and using each other begins. It really concerns me that you invest your emotions in him so deeply knowing at the end of the day, you will feel a most severe and raw hurt when you find out the truth of things and realize you could've spent your time seeking out someone truly worthy of your love who has the ability to love you in return.
Perhaps you should test out the situation a bit? Maybe if you can't separate from him completely. Try something else first? What if instead of trying to cut off yourself off from him for now, don't buy him anything, don't give him any money and don't give him any gifts ...nothing of any monetary value....only friendship.
Can you go 3-6 months, seeing him as often as you normally would and never give him a single dime? I mean nothing, don't so much as buy him a cold pop. I think it'd be a very good test to see how he acts once he realizes the money tree has dried up. Do you think he'll still call you and talk to you and want you around after a few weeks once he realizes you're not going to buy him gifts or slip him some cash anymore?
And of course, very important, absolutely no more money for head. You mentioned above that he's begged you for head in the past. If he asks for it, perhaps tell him that you'd be happy to do it, but there's no more money, you'll only do it for the fun of doing it.

If it helps look at it from the perspective that you if you really love him, then you need to commit yourself and have the discipline to do this for both your sake, for the relationship. If you really care and want to get this relationship back on track to a healthier place, then you must have the resolve and discipline to not give him any kind of financial gain anymore. If you don't think you can do this, then maybe you don't truly love him either, maybe you're just in love with the drama of the situation and its just an infatuation and he's just your puppet - you pay him and he tells you what you want to hear and gives you what you want.
Give it a try if you think you can resist giving him any form of gifts or financial gain, otherwise if you can't do that, if you in 3-6 months time you think you might slip up even once, then you should stick with your plan of distancing yourself from him.

Having said all this, I still stand by my original advice to you. It really would be so much better for you to distance yourself from him. Not forever, just commit to even 3 months. You really need to step back and regain some perspective in your life. And he definitely doesn't need anyone enabling/funding his addiction to the pills.
Whatever you ultimately decide to do though, I hope you do whatever you can to maintain the discipline to stick with it.

Good Luck.